9/27/26 – Hob Nob
Lying on my right side, I’m working on extension as much as possible. Low back, glute engaged, quads and legs in extension. Even my neck I’m trying to make sure keeps lengthening! I can feel my abdomen loosening up, my back and glutes filling in, and everything down low attempting to push into extension more than ever! This has been a good morning call, everything is waking up and is trying!! Let’s see what we do today!
Made it to the Hob Nob with Callie!! Had a great little drive to get up here! What a fun dinner with such great company, it’s great to have these little moments carved outside the chaos.
Who woulda known?! Definitely my body does not like eating steak… this was a rough drive back, but soo worth it!
9/28/26 – Hyaluronic Acid, Vibration Plates, and more!
Sleep and my legs! These fellas sure are doing something last night! And they were straight this past night! I gotta go so I better get up!
I will be honest, my lower body right now is feeling immense? Very full, and areas that are waking up, I’m getting like, muscle cramps?! What is this??
PT chats today went really well! Especially with the students while I was up walking!
Hyaluronic acid, non-Newtonian fluids, vibration plates, electrolytes, and what the heck does it all have to do with the body? I Carson and I were bouncing ideas back and forth with each other, about what is the mechanism for spasms, and what Hyaluronic acid being a non-Newtonian fluid has to do with it? I had this theory that the vibration plate is potentially causing the Hyaluronic acid to ‘shear thin’ and lower its viscosity, which could cause the muscles to potentially get looser, but I really don’t know much about where the Hyaluronic acid is, so I don’t really know if that is the case or not? Interesting thoughts tho! There’s something here!
9/29/26 – Prisoner in My Body | Standing Frame Observations
Leave it to the morning that I don’t write any notes to be the day I’m feeling the most sad. Wow. Great. Ugh.
I can feel how my whole body spasms, trying to crunch down into the fetal position, reminds me, or makes me think of what my body probably did going into the accident. Ugh.
What are infants doing for cardio? What does that actually look like?
I feel like such a prisoner in my body. It’s so brutal. It’s really hard to deal with. Ugh.
I fell asleep in the car when I got home for 30min. Probably meant my body needed rest.
So I had a realization when I’m on the Handcycle, the more I do, the more I push thru my feet? It’s fascinating, I can see and feel my legs pushing to the beat of my breath, almost like my body is really struggling and fighting to get air to all the parts of my body that are trying to use it? It’s kinda wild?
Got on the bike for a bit to help cool the nerves and the body. Every bit counts and helps. My feet feel the bars that I’m pressing against, and it feels so interesting!?! The more I stretch overhead in shoulder flexion, the looser this tight left side gets, and the more I can feel myself contracting these muscles in my legs!
This. Was. Fascinating..
I was working on getting up in the standing frame, with no shoes on, and I noticed the most peculiar observation?? While I was slowly pumping the pump to elevate myself, my hips and knees try to flex and spasm, HARD. So much so I’ll even slip out of the standing frame on occasion. But this time, I decided to work to get extended with my eyes closed? And I noticed something interesting?
My legs didn’t spasm, almost AT ALL! And when they were about to, I kept my eyes closed, diverted attention to sensation in my feet and toes, and the spasm died out? This happened so many times I lost count? And I also noticed too, how with my eyes closed, my eyelids were like, “fluttering” while my eyes were kept closed? Like they were trying to blink in rapid succession, yet while still closed?
It was wild, and when I would slowly open my eyes back up, it almost felt like I woke up from a nap or something? It was so weird? I’ve noticed how throughout the day, sometimes my vision seems to do some odd things, but this was so odd?!
My legs afterwards are feeling very full, and sensation in my feet and toes is through the roof? I also noticed too, once lowered back to my seat, I took a second to lean back, hips extended with eyes closed, and I could get my hip flexors to “let go”? For some reason. It was as if they were able to feel safe? They felt safe, let go, and I can feel the sensation melt around my hip, and fade into my glute? It’s very fascinating, because it takes such focus sometimes, to “let it go?”
Also too, what’s interesting is I am able to type this entire paragraph with my eyes closed? I never knew I had the muscle memory, or dexterity to do this? I honestly couldn’t even tell you where all the keys are, but for some reason I can do if with my eyes closed? What is this phenomenon?
9/30/26 – Combo Work
Ankles. Knees. Hips! All are filling out and have a huge amount of sensation this morning! I have been struggling to get decent sleep lately, and my days have been difficult as well. It’s hard. The slog and daily grind, plus all the mental and physical activity I need, really wears on me. It’s tough because my day job doesn’t afford me a lot of opportunities (yet?) to get out of the wheelchair. I have to battle between being social, activity in my body, productive at work, and routine bodily maintenance. It’s a hard line to follow, and it sure is wearing on me. I don’t wake up feeling all that rested. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t? It’s a crab shoot.
My body is always making large changes in sensation and activation, so I do guess that he needs a lot more time to heal. Hard when I’m so busy otherwise. I don’t know exactly where I’m going with this? I guess it’s the daily structure and then my longing for freedom like I used to have that gets to me? Also just capabilities in general, in all aspects of my life. Life dynamics are fun!…. Goodness. I have so many ideas and things that I want to work on, and I can’t seem to carve out time to work on any of them because my body seems to take all the time and attention? But is that true? Or am I just forgetting? Seems like I need a regroup..
Fix this standing frame so I can actually get up in standing and not have to think a lot about slipping out. That should be number one. Once I do that, my ability to get stretched out, and work on other projects increases dramatically. I gotta do this!
I feel like when I close my eyes and feel them fluttering, it almost makes me think my body is repairing itself. It’s so odd? But there’s gotta be some truth to this though?
My lower left abdomen I am just realizing, as it has been causing me a bunch of tight squeezing pain, is actually just “on” all the time?! And I’m finally allowing it to shut off for like the first time ever!?!
PT walk and talk with the students!!?! This went great!
Pilates and the reformer!! With the magic circle!! Adduction! This was some of the best extension work to date! I swear! Also Therese has got to be the most quotable person, but for some reason in my sleepy state I can’t think of all the fun things she said today!??
My lower left abdomen is letting go! I can feel the cramps inside there! And the entire outside of my body for abduction is feeling off the charts!
10/1/26 – Body Pains & Carl Jung
Man oh man! Today was a hectic day….
You know, the words we say and assign to what we are feeling, sensing, and thinking in our minds have so much influence on how we go about living our lives. It’s honestly the most impactful aspect of our entire lives, when you think about it?
I’m reading about Carl Jung right now, I’ll probably want to read some of his works. It’s interesting to read about his relationship with Sigmund Freud, whose book ‘Interpretation of Dreams’ I am “kinda” reading.. they had differing views on the psyche and psychology, and it created both Jungian and Freudian views of the mind. Why can’t it be “both”? Why do we always have to be in one field or the other? Because, as I’ve been learning so much recently, things in our lives are much less black and white than we expect. So why lump all our thoughts into one school of thought?
Well now this is interesting, “One of Jung’s most famous proposed constructs is kinship libido. Jung defined this as an instinctive feeling of belonging to a particular group or family and believed it was vital to the human experience, and used this as an endogamous aspect of the libido and what lies within the family. This is similar to a Bantu term called Ubuntu that emphasizes humanity and almost the same meaning as kinship libido, which is, “I am because you are.” [2]
Crazy, how this is also related to my idea of “interdependence”? How across cultures, times, and experiences, we as humans all seem to have the ability to continue to learn and connect similar ideas, the way that we do? I’m over here thinking that Innerdepenence is a unique thought, I’m just not well read enough!
10/2/26 – Your Body is The Experiment | Wisdom Teeth | Couch Bounce
The amount of work my body is doing, day and NIGHT is intense!! All the way down my legs, from my pelvis to my toes, on the outside of my legs especially, I can feel them filling in! My lower left abdominal region is having some massive cramps, and those cramps are carrying up to my left trap and neck, all the way down to my toes, it feels like? I’m the evening last night and now more consistently in the standing frame, I’ve been doing the shoulder flexion wall slides! This has been nuts because it’s opening me up so much, but boy have these cramps been intense!
I’ve also been letting more “toots” go? Probably having to do with the lower left abdominal region tightness letting go? It’s fascinating?
Having your own body be the experiment you are doing tests and observations on is one of the hardest ways to live. There is so much happening, so much keeping me awake at night, preventing sleep, making it difficult to carry throughout the day. It’s tough. But I’m feeling meaningful changes happening this week. Lower abdominal region activation consistently, like never before, sensation and activation all the way down the outsides of my legs?!
Like the abduction and extension work I was doing on Wednesday was really REALLY making some significant changes?! This was a huge session and finding, because my legs were extending like never before! You know, rarely do I get an opportunity to simultaneously work abduction and extension? The student Carson was mentioning how the initiation of stance is actually partially due to adduction FIRST?! Meaning….. that I need to have built those muscles, to help maintain a safe gait pattern??? Like, if I’m not stable to abduct and adduct my legs, why would they feel safe to extend or flex appropriately? Is this a real thing? Is this why kids wobble so much before they are walking appropriately? They need abduction and adduction BEFORE extension and flexion??
This is interesting, I’ll have to do some research on this! My body needed so much rest between yesterday and this morning. It feels like I got something around 18hrs of sleep?!…. Oof, so much healing and reconnecting happening!
I even did some meditation late last night where I was threading a needle that was my nervous system, throughout what felt like my entire body. Especially in the tight areas that needed a lot of attention to relax. Like my lower left abdominal region, I could barely breathe last night. It was so tight. So with each inhale and exhale, I moved this thread from my spinal cord around the area in question, back to my spinal cord. From there I wrapped my body, like a mummy, in this neurological needle, and wrapped my pelvis, my right leg to my toes, and then my left leg to my toes. I repeated from my torso, and went back down till I dozed off to sleep.
It’s been a rough couple of days because the lack of sleep, so I’m glad I got a change to actually rest and try to get caught up.
Today will be interesting, I’m getting my wisdom teeth removed. I wonder if they will help open up my airways and sinus pressure so I can breathe better thru my nose?! Let’s see what happens today!
I wonder, if I made some “stance assist crutches/ walker” that had cylinders that could extend and retract, to help you get into more extension when you go from sitting, to standing?
Bouncing on the couch today after my wisdom teeth got pulled has got my legs FEELING AMAZING!!?! Let’s do this a bit more often!!?
10/3/26 – Lion’s Den | True North
Okay, I actually slept this past night??? My airways felt like they finally opened up, I was breathing in my nose for the first time in what felt like forever, and I feel Into some deep sleep where I was actually having some dreams! They took my all over the place! This was incredible! Did the wisdom teeth getting removed actually open up my airways? Also, why does my left eye and chalazions gone down 10 fold as well??
My legs are feeling so incredibly full! My glutes are on this morning as well!! Something about the bouncing / rhythmic movement, and rest my body needed? It was so crazy how active my legs were after that little session on the couch! I gotta continue this and see where it takes me! It reminds me of how on the deep squat working to get up from the ground has similar effects of getting my legs to work, but less strain on my knee because I’m not putting all my weight thru it?!
I am just shocked with all the sensation and activation all the way down my legs! I really want to continue these bouncy sessions, and see where they go from there!?
— Sensation – Pain Scale —
Okay I had this thought, because I have been noticing that it starts as pain, then it slowly transitions into a more “usable” form of sensation? Like in my quads, glutes, back, or hips? They start with pain, a form of tightness, and the “squeeze” or contraction of the muscle then slowly transitions into a form that is more tolerable? But this only seems to happen if I let it? Instead of fighting the pain, ignoring it, and taking a pain medication, I stretch, attempt to move, and let my body focus on these areas, instead of trying to ignore them? I even had this silly thought while bouncing on the couch, how our functioning properly muscles are very “quiet” and they don’t need to be “felt” unless being worked? More on that maybe later?
But when the pain is tolerated, I then try to feel and transition this into a contraction? Which, seems to be the direction all the muscles that have been ‘waking up’ have taken? Because once contracted, I then need to spend a considerable time working them to relax, and let go. That process I do not full understand either yet. It’s so wild. So what I will do with these muscles, especially lying in bed either supine or side laying, will contract volitionally, and relax volitionally, as much as possible? It’s very interesting to do because I feel them working better and better, the more repetitions I do, and the more I continue to track it?
I honestly feel parts of my body that I previously did not. I am just trying to understand the mechanism behind it, because it’s been so fascinating and helps keep me motivated to continue to work on my body, because it almost feels like before I know it, I’m going to be feeling everywhere in my body again? I just have to let it heal, and help facilitate the movement and healing?
I wonder too, if permission might be part of the mechanism and not just what I am feeling and hoping for my body to do?
Being able to breathe thru my nose is freaking incredible!! I honestly don’t fully understand it but it feels great, right now!
Smoothie first thing this morning!! I am HUNGRY!!
Made it to gym! Used the weighted mace/ bar for the session and goodness did my body have to work to keep that thing moving and upright! It was hard, not only the way I had to move it, but my body was being worked in so many different ways? My heart rate also was increased, this was very hard for my body, turns out!
Took a nap, woke up feeling awful? Not sure what that was all about. Ugh.
Listened to this today, gave me a lot of thoughts and emotions.
“You know I love you.
But it’s too important,
It’s far too easy
To leave the things we need to hear unsaid.
So:
When the sun falls
On the Ship Inn
And we’re together –
All of us –
That is True North.”
By – Dead Modern
Had this moment when I continued down the freeway, and looked around, and what was most important to me was right next to me. It’s easy to loose sight, especially when those soft wooden tones aren’t what we are feeling or seeing. It’s not always a straight path.
Took a drive to Lions Den with Callie! Kids were taking homecoming pictures (I think that’s the one at the beginning of the year?) Callie hadn’t ever been here before! It was awesome to have gotten out there!! I was happy to breathe some fresh air, and get outside with Callie!
Had some Culver’s and standing frame, my butt has been sore today.
Felt “existential on prom night”, if you will. Turns out today has taken me across a whole journey of thoughts, feels, and ways. My body is a menace to me, sometimes and I don’t know why. It’s brutal! I don’t get it. Today it was hard. Maybe it was just overloaded from everything, I guess. It’s hard. I don’t always really like, waking up from a nap in so much pain and discomfort. It’s not cool. I think it might go away from having to go pee, or something similar, but it didn’t today. I’m not even sure what it was?
If we knew how every story was to end, would we ever really read the whole book or watch the whole movie? Because, tell ya what, sometimes my life doesn’t even feel real. It’s actually very surreal. So each day I’m working on incorporating what I can, to make sense of it all. Weird, isn’t it?
I’m trying to show up and be there. Today has shown me more of that, as we walked and talked thru the trails at Lions Den. I can do both. I can.
Works Cited
- https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carl_Jung
- Vaughan, A. G. (2019). “African American cultural history and reflections on Jung in the African Diaspora”. Journal of Analytical Psychology. 64 (3): 320–348. doi:10.1111/1468-5922.12501. PMID 31070251. S2CID 148570214.
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