Aug 25th – Aug 31st 2024: “Long Days Make Long Nights”

8/25

Wow. Talk about the feeling changes in my lower legs and feet! All morning I’ve been feeling the change in how much my tibialis anterior, gastroc’s, and soleus are kicking in!! My lower legs are trying! This is incredible! 

Wow, well. It’s hard when I’m this sad. It’s really hard. I am just getting down these days by seemingly everything. It’s so hard to separate my past, present, and future self. As in, I see something that reminds me of almost quite literally anything, and then my head pops back into a time or space at standing height, doing something that I’m moving around, walking around, anything. Going to the bar? Well at some point you walked in or out of it. Any time, any place, you’ve most likely walked in or out of a building, getting to where you needed to be. Walked over to your truck or car, walked up to the counter to get a glass of water, stood in front of the stove when you’ve cooked up some eggs, you name it. What I’m saying, is that almost anything that pops into my head from my memory and mind is of me up and about. So in this in between state, this state of unknown, this chair makes me feel so extremely uncomfortable. 

Just this morning, I was even noticing how when I was down on the floor, I was really feeling so much more stretched out, relaxed, and at peace. I just knew that eventually I have to get back to the chair to get some food, go to the bathroom, anything that involves doing, well, most things these days. The floor has been a space I’ve found that helps my body more than anything. I can do it myself, and my body has been changing so much! 

I really notice how quickly, easily, and sudden, my mind is able to change. It might not be overnight, but it’s over the course of a couple days, to a week, I can really feel my mind working out what is happening.

Okay, so it’s 9:48pm on the floor. Astronaut pants, walking meditation, notes, relaxation, and it all seems to be coming together! Callie has been helping blast my back and posterior chain with the theragun in the evenings, it’s been helping so much! I’m sometimes shocked by how much tension my back is able to hold!

8/26

Wow. It’s already 9:40pm. I’m whooped. I am not extremely pleased with myself for not getting to the gym, on the floor, in the astronaut pants, you name it. I’m bummed. I am glad to have gotten to play some chess, get in the standing frame, and get to bed at a reasonable time? I suppose this is good too. I can’t always look at the bad, and not realize that there is sometimes good that comes of my day.

I am really noticing how much my legs are starting to relax! I really don’t like how sore my butt got today, but I really notice how much this has been changing! It’s really quite amazing to know more and more everyday that my legs are there for me. 

It’s a hard time, I know it. But I can make it through one day at a time. I really need to get my sinuses checked out. I was having a really hard time swallowing and kinda choking on my food during dinner. What I think was happening was that my sinuses are so clogged, that when I need to breathe while eating, they are clogged. And so, when I need a breath when I’m eating, I have to take one from my mouth. So, if there is food in my mouth and I need a breath, then I have a really hard time…. The food gets sucked down my trachea, and I start to cough. It’s so tough. I guess I just need to not breathe when I’m eating? Welp? 

I’m ready to get some sleep. It’s about time. Hope I can get to all of it tomorrow! 

8/27

“You can’t control your outcomes, only your actions.” This was a really good idea that was brought up in the book I’m reading, “Hidden Potentials” and I think it’s fitting. We really are faced with so many different scenarios that we don’t have a lot of control of the results. We can sometimes only influence the actions, ideas, and decisions that lead up to the specific event sometimes. I can’t control what other people are going to do, only myself. I have to remind myself of this because it’s very relevant to the accident and my life. I’m just working to control what I can.

HOLY SMOKES I FEEL MY LOW BACK SO DANG MUCH!!! This is amazing to feel at the gym! I am really contracting and activating these muscles while I’m completing these movements! I’m really proud of how far they have come! From nothing, to something has been incredible to be apart of!

WOW I JUST DID WEIGHTED CRUNCHES AND LIFTED MYSELF BACK UP! I’m just getting really excited with all the movements I am able to string together now! Just being able to lean forward might not seem like much to most people, but it’s been so helpful to me! Not having to use one hand to pull myself forward is a godsend!

8/28

So my legs have been spasming like crazy these nights. It’s so bad that it’s keeping Callie and I up! I’m glad they are moving, but it needs to be when I say! Not whenever the heck they want! It’s tough when this is the type of sleep I get, and then need to function!

I’m thoroughly surprised with all the feels in my butt that I’m experiencing! Not gonna lie, having this tight of a back never fails to let me know, in more ways than one.

Okay, so today has been wild. I had to crawl myself back into the bedroom after I slipped out of the standing frame. Not exactly my finest moment. I wasn’t really sure what happened, except the fact was I was barefooted, I hadn’t gotten into the standing frame very much today, and my legs were tight. They wanted to move, a lot.. and I wasn’t doing all the things I needed to be doing today. It’s really hard when I’m not on my A game, it really is. 

What happened was, my left foot kicked back, and I noticed that right away. I hollered for help from Callie, and when she came over, she goes, ”both your feet have slipped out?!” And that’s when I started to freak out and panic. I wasn’t happy about this happening at all. I was tired and took a quick nap before dinner, and woke up fairly flustered. Then, after dinner and all my business, I wanted to get in the standing frame quick and play a quick game of chess! So, when I got up there, then this whole series started to unfold. 

It really was a pretty wild end for a fairly hectic day. I was frustrated at myself for not getting to the gym either. I have harder times when I get out of my schedule.

Really sore butt today. But! I was noticing how much I was really feeling change through lower legs! That’s what’s happening now, it’s not so much WHAT I’m feeling, because I feel so much everywhere, as it is what is changing!

Just ended the cycle for the astronaut pants. I need to get wrapped up and get into bed. It’s 10:00pm, and I’m whooped. Just trying to take it one day at a time. 

8/29

Well so many items to report on! I really need to setup time for the Botox. Enough is enough.

Learned industriousness. What a word and term. Learning about so many different topics and ideas, this one stood out to me. I think it’s an interesting idea, learning and reinforcing the ideas of effort reinforcement. Seems like it makes sense? Taking time to help support people doing different types of work? This checks out to me? Interesting how these ideas always seem to converge on what I’m reading and working on. Almost like there’s a theme in the books I read! Which is interesting when I make it through each book!

8/30

You ever just feel like your butt was sitting on an hot oven, and it just won’t turn off? Oh yeah, that might just be me. My butt feels like it’s fallen asleep and is so uncomfortable right now. Everything is hard to do because of how tight my body feels. I hate it. It’s uncomfortable, my legs are tingling and I just want it to stop. I feel like I just don’t want to do anything because of it right now. It’s really demotivating. 

I’m having a hard time putting words to it all, with everything else going on. Life and societal norms make these moments even harder. When everyone is out enjoying their Labor Day weekend, I’m over here on a Friday night trying to figure out how to get my body to calm down. Fun. What a night. This will be going down as one of the worst nights I’ve had. This was rough. I don’t think any other words will describe how unsettled I am feeling. This was so hard.

8/31

So. I’m down here crawling right now, and I’m really noticing some changes! My lower legs are really supporting themselves, and I’m really feeling it! My lower legs are really getting it! I’m noticing how sweaty my left foot is getting under my sock! 

It’s really interesting, how time on the floor really lets me be more creative, independent, and on my own than in the chair. It’s so wild. I understand I cannot live my life down here, but this is a break I’m really enjoying from the time in the chair! Taking small breaks from the chair really helps connect me with my body, and who I am. It’s really tough having to rely on some device to get yourself around. But I am glad to be able to take time away from that. Time that I get to spend just with my body. It’s not often I get moments like this, and I’m glad to take note of this time. Because I will not stop working with my body, and working to get my body back to where I can be. It’s alot to do each day, and a lot of work, but this is very much worth it. One day at a time.