12/14 – “Easy, Easy”
I’ll tell ya what, I’ve been singing the King Krule song, “Easy, Easy” in my head all night, to try to get my body to relax and let some of the tension leave my body! It’s been interesting because when people tell me, “relax” it seems like I do the opposite. I think it’s because I’m already trying to do that, when they say that word, so it’s not only NOT helping, but feels patronizing, and makes it worse, because I feel it take away my personal agency, makes me feel like folks “think” I’m not already trying that. Well, reality check, I am. So instead of relaxing when someone else says that, I tense up. So I’ve been trying to use the words, “Easy, Easy” instead, and I think it’s kinda helping!
This isn’t an easy one for me, because of how I need to be for when I’m trying to get my body to relax. I need to be still, slow, and I need to make sure that I’m not all excitable.
I know my legs are relaxing more and more, it’s just a hard one to not only think about working on, but incorporating throughout the day!
Well, I was busy today with project related work. Not so much my body and recovery. And my body is feeling it. It’s hard sometimes, balancing it all. There takes a significant amount of effort and concentration for both. My recovery is hard, and doesn’t really let up. So I’m over here thinking about how I should try to get some project work done. But at the same time, I’m getting tighter and tighter. It’s a hard balance, I haven’t quite got to figure it out yet. But I’m working on a bit more every day. It’s tricky, I know it gets tougher later in the day.
Better get my body and mind some rest. I’m calling it a night.
12/15 – Generalizations / Oceanic Feeling
When I contract my low back/ glutes, outer hips, and THEN my low abdomen, and think about extending my quads, while I’m lying in bed, I can hear a “creeaakk, creak creak” of my heels and feet sliding away from me?! Since I can’t feel it extremely vividly, I hear that sound and am like, “Shoot here it is!”
It’s really phenomenal that I’m able to get all these muscles contracted like that, I just need to incorporate this more and more!
I can hear the 3D printer running in the background! It told me this was going to be a 14hr print!
It’s so hard, comparing ourselves to others. The latest and toughest aspect for me, is how fused I am compared to other wheelchair users. They can get up from the ground easily, move their torso easily, you name it. And here I am, just feeling stuck. I guess, learning about cognitive distortions, I’m wondering which one that is? Generalization? All or nothing thinking? Because, I can move. And it’s going better, slowly but surely, but albeit at maybe a slower pace? Because of these rods, I gotta learn and figure out different maneuvers and techniques. And THATS hard. When your PT doesn’t quite know how to help you, or really anyone else you see, know, or run into, you feel alone. But don’t sell yourself short yet, Joe. You’re moving. Just slower, and growing and your own pace. So, that means, I can’t give up.
I’m gonna need to remember that one!
So, if when I lean over, I feel my body pushing up air, and slight indigestion (just from reaching my hand to the floor to pick something up) is that from a weak pelvic floor?
“Oceanic Feeling” – man this is an interesting concept. “In a 1927 letter to Sigmund Freud, Romain Rolland coined the phrase “oceanic feeling” to refer to “a sensation of ‘eternity‘”, a feeling of “being one with the external world as a whole”, inspired by the example of Ramakrishna, among other mystics.” [1] It’s interesting because my therapist described what I was saying to him, as possibly that? I’ll have to explore this! More to come!
Man, is that it? Did humans evolve & continue to advance themselves because they are the least happy / least content animal out there? Huh, weird way to think of “survival of the fittest?”
What is it about whales and being able to use their muscles so well anerobically? Or is it actually with air? More to explore!
12/16 – Writing Thoughts
It’s wild sometimes, I hadn’t taken any time to write today. I just went to work, and now that I got home, I’m flustered. I wonder what’s up with that? Seems to me all these social interactions, activities, and things I do throughout the day are enough to really drain me. I’m noticing now too, how certain activities energize me, while others are draining. Having to “listen” to others talk while I’m not participating? – Draining. Me helping inform others? – slightly energizing? Me engaging in a conversation that I don’t speak what’s on my mind? – draining. Like, I didn’t say all of the things that I could feel myself needing to say, and for that, I think it drains me. Almost like I have this innate primal need inside myself to “get my thoughts out”. Be it, in seemingly now, as I’m typing this out, in almost any form? Like, if I can at least write, it helps. I now feel different after writing those words and sentences from above. And I wonder why this is? And maybe I should keep exploring this idea?
I guess, I keep going back to how Charles Darwin, would write daily, to help him organize his thoughts. To be honest, I feel so much better taking a couple minutes, writing my thoughts out, and getting them on paper. It’s weird, because I didn’t know that I was like this? And maybe, that’s why I have been so productive, while being so busy all at the same time?
It is really nice, to write. Because I look around at EVERYTHING. My mind is taking in sights, sounds, conversations, ideas. When I hear all this, my mind is trying to make sense of it all. But it has a very difficult time to do that, without externalizing some of these thoughts?
Now I’m eager, I’m eager to get moving? Like I can feel it? It’s so odd, this pull is powerful. I still have some remaining thoughts, but this at least helps clear up some mental RAM. It’s really nice. Almost like I’m making more room for clutter. More room for more ideas. I really do like to explore concepts in my mind and with my writing, I guess I should slow down, grab a pen and paper, and when I’m feeling this “antsy-ness”, just write.
12/17 – Busy Body Feeling
All the thoughts come flooding in. And I know I needed this little extra rest. I didn’t hydrate well yesterday, and so my legs feel so much more tingly than usual. I’ll have to correct that for today. I can feel the antsiness for the day creep in, I’ll have to get moving, and do some writing later! Let’s make sure to get in the standing frame before the Exo today!
To think that the whole day has gone by. I’m exhausted. There’s so much my legs are doing. Honestly, I’m shook that I was feeling almost “sick” when I woke up, and after I got moving during PT, I started to feel better? What’s up with that?
12/18 – Engagement Synonyms / Independence First!
Intra-Abdominal Pressure? What is this? Because as I’m learning more about the pelvic floor, and noticing how it’s affecting my ability to hold the air down in my trunk and torso when I’m walking, has led me to believe it has much more importance than I realized? As soon as I feel myself squeeze the PC muscles, I can feel immediately better recruitment and engagement in my legs! Speaking of which, I need to expand my vocab arsenal for new engagement words! Because my body is engaging in ways I haven’t been able to fully understand, or quantify yet!
I finally got a decent nights rest, and boy did I need it. Yesterday when I woke up, I felt like I was getting sick! But little did I know I was just fatigued and exhausted.
Synonyms for Muscular Engagement –
- muscular implication – “the action or state of being involved”
- Muscle involvement
- Muscle participation
- Moving muscles
- Contracting muscles
- Flexing muscles
- Activating muscles
- Exerting muscles
- Stimulating muscles
- Firing muscles
- Propelling muscles
- Operating muscles
- Energizing muscles
- Propagating muscles
- Working muscles
- Utilizing muscles
- Mobilizing muscles
- Manipulating muscles
Alright I got about 15 different ways to talk about firing and stimulating my muscles! I have a feeling the more I use, the more my legs are going to respond? There’s a part of our brain that connects meaning of words to different parts of our brain, and I want to help my motor cortex find this area, and continue to make connections.
It’s an arduous process, but I’m okay with it. I need to slowly keep chipping away. An artist who works with marble doesn’t get to cut corners. He’s gotta take it one step and one strike at a time.
My body is engaging – PARTICIPATING more and more in my every day life. I need to continue to help him along!
Neurologically I don’t think I fully understand the electrolyte demands, because after PT, my pee is always yellow? And it takes a lot of hydration to get it back? Almost like new nerves are turned back online and need that boost of electrolytes to work again?
You know I’m feeling so many changes in my body, and pelvic region / outer hips are re-activating like crazy right now. I need to move.
I need to move my legs more and more every day. I’m sick and tired at the end of a day like a child if I don’t. You can’t even verbalize this type of feeling. It’s so primal and so deep that anyone who thinks they can understand, didn’t just spend the whole day sitting down, restless, and wanting to move. But they can’t. Only those people who can’t move the way they want to, know.
You know I had a thought – “reading is the closest thing we have, to traveling into the past. And writing, is the closest thing we have, to traveling into the future.”
This idea I find so fascinating! It really has a lot of meaning and truth to it! I thought about this all day, I’ll have to continue to run with it!
My hips! My glutes! They were so achey and full of pain/ discomfort last night!! They are waking up with a whole new round of sensation!
Made it to Independence First! But need some rest! More on this later!
12/19 – Exo Rewiring / Talk with Future Self
I can feel these legs filling in! My upper legs / glutes / hips / pelvic area truly is feeling so much more “involvement” and “participation” than ever before! It’s really wild. Last night I got myself some rest after work, and that nap turned into 3hrs!? Ate dinner and cleaned up, and then went back to sleep? Sleep in the night unaffected by the nap. It’s really interesting how my sleep is. I never feel “tired” or fatigued like I’ve felt in the past. I really do think this has to do with all the neurological rewiring my body is doing, I really do.
All this Exo work is really rewiring my body. It’s pretty amazing. I felt so off-kilter and imbalanced throughout my trunk, and I am thinking that’s because of all this reactivation and waking up of different muscle groups?!
It was interesting too, when I was laying in bed I had this thought, “what would my future self want to read, in these notes?” And I had an answer to myself pretty quick. My future self said, “I’m proud of you, Joe. For sticking with this everyday. And not giving up.” Because, I had this thought, “what if I stopped all this work today, stopped the note taking, and tried to be “content” with my body?” And my future self did not like that as an answer. I would be left always guessing, “what if you kept working on your body?” Since I’m seeing changes every day, I would be doing an injustice to my future self, by giving up any hope.
It’s just been so interesting, yesterday, John and I went to meet the folks who received the Tool Donation at Independence First, down in Walkers Point. They have a really nice setup to help folks with disabilities. They showed us how they are helping and all their services they have available to folks. It’s pretty heart-warming, because there are a lot of folks who do need this help. It also made me feel somewhat mixed, as well?
I guess I haven’t interacted with this community very much because I have wanted to work on helping myself, to the best of my ability, before getting help. I am very glad I am able to help get some good and hardworking folks some tools, to help others who really need it!
At the end of the tour, they were kinda asking me about myself, and my injury. And if I had ever gone to the “support groups”. And I told them no. I hadn’t. And what they said surprised me, they said, “that’s okay, that’s there if you need it, but it’s not forced or anything for people who do not need it.” And it made me feel a bit better, about having never attended or gone to anything related to groups of people with disabilities.
I’ve always wanted people to still just think of me as Just Joe. And I hope that others after an accident, or if they are disabled, would do the same. But I see and am learning that just is not the reality sometimes. There are a lot of folk who need help, and are trying desperately to feel normal, or do things independently, but they can’t. And a resource like Independence First really is a godsend to folks in those situations.
So even if it’s not for me, it has a very special place in the community. Hopefully others will see that, and hopefully give them support they need!
I’m always trying to think through all the situations and where I am in this world, and it seems to be slowly taking shape. Hopefully I can make 2026 a special year for myself and Callie.
It’s been interesting, too, working on filling in the gaps of my history from the early days of the accident. I actually updated all the blog posts, from the time between the Rehab Hospital —> When I started taking notes. It’s so crazy. I have so many loving people in my life. And I need to not forget that. It’s always hard in certain moments of difficulty throughout the day, but that doesn’t change the fact that there is so much love. This process has helped me so much, process what all this has meant to me. It really has. There’s a lot more to the world than this consumer culture that seems so prevalent around us, and I’m glad I’ve taken a moment to realize that. Because this process has been so difficult, taking these moments to reflect really helps me maintain perspective on it all. It truly does.
Pilates! Went super well today! I’m always shook with how well it loosens and activates my body! And on a Friday afternoon! Man, my body really is getting into extension so much more! I just need my knees to trust that extension is safe! Baby chair and I’m getting my upper body in great extension! I also SHOT up while getting out!
Therese always says some of the most interesting things that gets me to think about my body in ways I’ve never even thought. It’s pretty cool because she has some of the most vivid imagery to help you learn how your body moves. It really is! I’m blanking on some of the quotable ones, next time!
12/20 – Subconcious Extension Work
So I need to get my legs to be safe, more specifically, my knees, in extension… but how do I do this? How do they learn that it’s not only safe, but good, comfortable, and the place for them to be? I understand “tight hamstrings” “weak quads”, but honestly, it’s been like this for a bit, and I think they need a shake up. I need a different approach. I do understand the consistency aspect to all my work outs, but what if it was something entirely different than what I’m thinking of that causes this tightness?
Just for a moment, I’m trying to approach this like a new problem. Instead of looking at it from the same lens / perspective. I can feel in bed, when I’m lying on either side or supine, that my knees are pushing out more! This tells me there’s something going on in my subconscious when I’m sleeping, that is changing? How do I tap into this? And continue the progress during the day?
I keep going back, thinking, and realizing, I need to probably work on the free standing, or self supported standing, more often. Honestly, probably in long sit, and laying too. I’ve noticed that my left side, I’m able to lay on for longer and longer throughout the night, and all I’ve done is tell my body, “this is okay, it’s safe” and paired it before and throughout the day with movement.
I’ll work on this. And my consistency. And also, these leg braces I’m going to rework!
So we made it back. I’m sitting in a regular chair, but no padded backrest. It’s interesting because I can feel my abdomen, start to relax, more similarly to when I got in a chair pre-accident. My body and like I said, abdomen, is relaxing?
Quite the day, doing the Christmas shopping that we did! Pretty tiring, all said and done.
I got up in the standing frame, and the kitchen chair for a bit. It’s interesting what a firm surface to sit on does for my leg activation? It’s kinda interesting, because it is so much more than what feels like in this wheelchair?
Not much of a day for movement. It was weird how in the stores I can notice how much I need to get my body moving. It’s so hard. Balancing it all. Keep it all straight in my head. (Sigh). I don’t know what all this means, and I’m trying. But boy, does it feel like I can never keep up, or stay on top of it all. Makes me sad, cuz I feel so close.
Works Cited
- Wikimedia Foundation. (2025, July 20). Oceanic feeling. Wikipedia. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oceanic_feeling
The Astronaut on Earth 
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