11/30 – Positive Self Talk – Close Your Eyes
So, “these legs are normal legs. They can relax, they can contract. They can move the way I want them to move. They’re trying every day”. They don’t need all this negative talk. What’s crazy, is I was playing around with this idea of talking positively and reassuringly to my legs, my body, and crazy enough, it helps. They stop spasming, they relax, I can lay on my back? Like, I told myself, “this is a relaxing position.” And that alone was enough to get them to calm down? What am I doing to myself? What’s happening when I say these things? What is this?
I know I need to go pee, but instead of focusing on that urge, I focused on the fact that my legs, while laying supine on my back, should be relaxed. I’m not hyper fixating on my hips, and if they are tight. I’m telling my legs, “this is normal, this is okay, this is safe.”
I don’t know what’s happening up here in my brain or down there in my legs or spinal cord, but this simple act alone, seems to be really powerful. I don’t quite understand it? Not sure if I will?
I wonder too, if all that stretching and overhead shoulder prone work, paired with Callie helping me do some stretching/ visceral manipulation in my lower left abdomen, is also what’s helping there? Because I just touched and felt that area of my abdomen, and it’s not freaking out right now? Did this work already that quickly??
There’s a lot going on in my body, and I realized just now, at 10:48pm, that when I was stretching with the IdealKnee, if I close my eyes, I can really tune into what I’m feeling, so much better. I told myself, “these are good legs, they get out straight.” And sure enough, it helped? It’s not perfect or surefire, but it definitely makes a difference in how I’m able to get my legs in extension. It’s so weird. I’ve noticed how closing my eyes does help?
It’s just, there’s so much going on. It’s hard to keep track of it all. Working on my body, working on my projects. Working on work. Working on relationships, shoot. You name it. There’s always things to work on.
For now, I’m going to try to get some rest, because working on getting sleep is also important.
12/1 – Self Talk & Exo Work
The negative and positive self talk, that we do to ourselves, really seems to affect me. It’s interesting too, how if I focus on any particular area for long enough, it’s almost like it gives my autonomic nervous system information, and then it uses it to help “work”? Like yesterday for example, I was just working on my project, and I wasn’t focusing on going pee. After a while I stopped and stretched, and was like, “I think I gotta go now?” and went over to the bathroom and had a huge hydrated pee? It’s weird, almost like what I give attention to, is where my brain puts focus on?
So as of yesterday I was trying to use more positive self talk about me and my legs. Like saying to them (or myself?) “they’re good legs” but, they need work on the following areas. Right now, I’m feeling so much, and have spent so much time into feeling, I really think my efforts would be better spent focusing on activation? Which, I do, but maybe I just need to change up the rhetoric? Like instead of always focusing on the tight muscles, shift focus to the ones you want to be?
Because right now as I type this out, my glutes, quads, feet are activating a ton! I wonder how this week will go? If I can master this? Seems to it is an anxiety negative feedback loop, you worry about the bad things which only makes the bad areas worse? Hmm let’s see how this goes?
Yeah.. I get “anxious” or I’m putting myself in a state of anxiety about the thought of “never walking again”. This stresses me out so much, I had no idea that I was inducing an anxious state in my mind?
It’s wild how my glutes and low back are engaging/ responding to daily inputs right now!…
Ramantagen….
Ramantagen legacy is his work. Turns out, that might be all it is for all of us.
Therapy! .62miles!!! Extension work!
Boy was I happy with how easy and seemingly so much more effortless it was not only getting in the Exo, but also getting up to stand, doing over head work, and walking in him as well! It’s been great! My quads are firing up SO MUCH!!!
I’m pooped!…. Bed at 8pm
12/2 – Waking Up with Visceral Manipulation
When I lay in bed and work to get my back in extension more, as opposed to curling up, I can really feel how much it helps my lower body get in extension too! I’m really feeling my outer under butt areas waking up? My quads and knees! Calves, outer calves, and feet activating a ton too! When I got up last night to go pee, I could feel a sense of “coolness” on my thighs?? That was cool!
I got time setup with the PT’s to help me with my pelvic floor and visceral manipulation! That should be interesting!
Gosh, I coaxed myself to sleep quite a bit last night with this new idea, “you’ve got good legs, and they’re working hard”. I kept this up whenever I was awake, and needed to get myself back go sleep, I’m telling myself they are working on getting in extension, they’re working on more independent weight bearing, working on voluntary activation and relaxation when I need them to! I think it’s helping too? It’s weird? I don’t know what that is, the mechanism behind this?
My left hip flexor was able to get worked loose last night by Callie, and I think I’m gonna continue this process of visceral manipulation to help him out! My hip needs it!
It’s so interesting how my outer glute / outer thigh crease especially on my left side is feeling so much activity right now! This area did not feel like this yesterday?!
Had an interesting dream about the Auto Industry workers, and Paul Wright was in it! I was in some odd room where folks from across companies were talking so much about all the different projects they were working on? And also the drama? Weird?
Wow! PT went amazing today! I only got in the standing frame for about 20min before, and I got in the Exo first too! We went ALL OVER THE PLACE! Up and down the elevator!
“I’d rather be lucky, than smart” – fun quote, wonder who said that?
Turns out, I’m cooked. Like, seriously so tired. At least I’m not terribly sad like I usually am when I’m this tired.
12/3 – “Oceanic Feeling”
What’s crazy, is how disoriented I felt yesterday while walking up on the 3rd floor in the Exo? It wasn’t a ‘dizzy’ sensation, but a feeling of almost feeling drunk or high? Where my body and mind were just feeling disjointed, almost like being in a dream? It was so weird, the only way I could explain it to Ashley was that it was my brain making new connections, and was getting overloaded with a flood of new signals, from my body, visually, and being in a new place, at standing height. Like, my body was trying to process this, and was making sense of this position? Was that my body understanding that this position is good? This shouldn’t be ‘new’? Because, there were students up there too, and it felt almost as if for a second, I was the ‘new kid in class’? So weird? Also too, I was trying to also incorporate talking while walking, which has been SO hard to do while in the Exo! It’s been very interesting to work on!
My glutes are really firing! My legs are activating more and more into extension?! It’s really interesting!
Also too, my left side tightened up so much while on the 3rs floor? Hamstring, hip flexor, you name it? And once we got down to the basement where I usually am, my body calmed down a bit! Which was great!
Wow! Is this significant! My low back quads glutes are firing up so much! What’s it feels like for me, I almost need the electrolytes more than I do with the protein? I know the protein is still important, but my body is rebuilding neurological signals, and I think to be able to do that I really Good electrolytes, good salt, and good fluids. Because what I’m feeling right now is my legs filling in and feeling so much more?? It’s almost like I’ve been “inflating my legs like a balloon?“ Since they’ve been so long and lifeless, I need to first rebuild at neurological connection before I built muscle? Maybe that’s it?
My low back is screaming. I got kinda sweaty in the standing frame… ugh. I feel so dang weird? I wonder what the heck it is? Why oh why do I always have to feel so “flush” and cold after getting in the standing frame?
I keep feeling a creak and a pop in my back. Ugh. Joyous.
The water. The big lakes around me. It’s honestly been one of the biggest joys in my life since the accident to be able to see the lake every day, out the apartment window. Turns out, before the accident, I had made it a goal to see Lake Michigan everyday. Max and I ran out at least somewhere, walked by, rode the bike, on some trail, to be able to see the lake. I am not sure what it was about it, but it made me so happy. Turns out, it’s one of the few joys I still have and get to enjoy, seeing that lake. Waking up in the morning, I see that sunrise over the lake, and reminds me of all the great and beautiful sunrises Max and I enjoyed running towards the lake.
It’s almost like it talks to me. Looking out into the lake. Like, all the people who looked at this lake before me. Everyone who has starred out into the distance of these big beautiful lakes. Wondering where our thoughts are. Where our thoughts go.
The amount of tears shed while looking out at this lake. The amount of smiles. Every emotion, has been poured out over these lakes. It’s definitely just like our minds. It sees em all.
It has waves that crash. Rain and storms. Ships have sunk. Lives have been lost. But simultaneously, races won, ships sailed, waves rode, fish caught. It’s all encompassing. Our lake has it all. Again, like our minds.
I guess, I don’t know what it is about it, that gives it all these qualities? Sheer size? Honestly, I don’t know if I want to know exactly right now. Because it’s this mystique that we never get these days. Our large bodies of water hold so many mystery’s it’s a shame we don’t roll with ‘em sometimes. And explore them.
I’m gonna just take this moment too, to say thank you, to Mr. Dembeck. Man, was that a great man. Someone who truly loved learning. Who helped instill a constant love and admiration for learning throughout my life. He passed away today, and I appreciate all he taught me. With all the trouble I got into, and the ruckus I caused. Joey and I caused so much trouble, yet loved to learn so much from him.
12/4 – Breakthrough Day Reflections
I’m always shocked at how little I end up going #1, when I feel like I’m actually super hydrated? Maybe case in point, this is reinforcing how little you were drinking before you really put focus into the electrolytes? It’s so odd? My legs and my sleep has definitely improved!
Wow, woke up THIRSTY! Goodness? Man oh man I need to do some research on what the building blocks of myelin, axons, and nerves! I need to make sure I’m fueling these up better than I currently am! I really think I’m on to something!
Yesterday was a “breakthrough” day, where my body was going thru so many changes. It was crazy that I took a 3hr nap, and my nightly sleep was unaffected by that? So odd? I need to keep up the focus and work! It’s so weird too, I think I might just either need to write or go to sleep when I’m in those states of mind?
Chipping away at it. Slowly but surely. That’s what it’s going to take! Just one day at a time. These quads are so active! Glutes and low back are firing! It’s moving further and further down my body!
Tired, standing, in the standing frame. I’m…. Tired. And sad. And tired. And sad. I keep going back and forth on these two, and how hopeless I feel sometimes. So, that’s cool. I’m going to go brush my teeth now. I’m going to go to bed. Let’s take this sadness somewhere else for now, and try to get some rest.
12/5 – Learning / Fixing Things
How do I handle being tired better? It’s been so hard, these past weeks. I melt and shut down. I guess, I’m an adult. I need to just handle myself better. It gets really hard and I want some help, but what I really want is for me to be able to help myself. I guess too, I can do most the things I need. It’s just tough because I’m always so sensitive in the evening when I get so tired. It makes me really sad. Ugh. I guess I’ll keep trying. Last night really threw me off. It wasn’t supposed to be like that.
I guess I need to re-learn how to “make”? Re-learn how to create? I’ve noticed how frustrated I get when doing some of those tasks using tools and building. Building and fixing things has been something that I’ve done my whole life. I guess, it’s just really hard to not be able to do it. I’ve always done it. But also makes me sad. It’s weird, having to relearn everything. I guess, my brain is the same? I still know how to do “things“ but it’s just that I have to relearn how to stabilize and move my body. I guess, I guess this is me grieving for The loss of a very, very functional body and the ability to do things so well. But, how do I not lose that? How do I make sure I’m still able to do things as well as I have done? I guess patience is going to be important. Period..
I guess just suffer in silence…. Just be quiet about it? It feels like my ‘can of care’ jar is getting smaller and smaller. It also feels like my energy to carry on is getting less and less. I’m feeling so tired.
12/6 – Heavy Bag Day / Getting to Work
This has got to be one of the biggest changes in my feet to date! I am feeling so much pressure being applied to them!
My feet and entire legs were so engaged while hitting the heavy bag! That was phenomenal! I was really trying to lean forward and load my feet more and more!
My legs were really pushing thru my feet most of the day! Goodness!
It was a mix of a rest day and active day, and I’m glad to see how much my legs are holding me up!
Works Cited
- Samejima, S., Shackleton, C., Malik, R. N., Hosseinzadeh, A., Rempel, L., Phan, A.-D., Williams, A., Nightingale, T., Ghuman, A., Elliott, S., Walter, M., Krogh, K., Berger, M., Lam, T., Sachdeva, R., & Krassioukov, A. V. (2025, September 5). Multi-system benefits of non-invasive spinal cord stimulation following cervical spinal cord injury: A case study – bioelectronic medicine. BioMed Central. https://bioelecmed.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s42234-025-00183-8
- https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Organ_(biology)#Viscera
The Astronaut on Earth 
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