11/16 – When am I Breathing In?!
My legs, while laying in right lateral recumbent (on right side), are getting into extension, and I can feel the stretch in my hamstrings, quads engaging, calves engaging, and this giant stretch in my left abdomen! Wait, is this a position I should “rest” in more frequently throughout the day? To give my muscles a break? Hmm, this honestly may be just that! I don’t know what it is about this position, but it works! Also too, let’s get on the floor today, and get to the gym for some cardio! I think we can do a little bit of everything today, and I shouldn’t have an issue with that!
These long exhales, really are feeling pretty incredible to help get my body in extension? I’m working on getting my breaths to have longer exhales, and also, I was noticing yesterday while on the sidewalk, this exact phenomena? Like, it was like I was able to just push on an exhale, and I don’t know when I actually was taking a breath in? It was bizarre because it felt like I shouldn’t be able to do this, but here we were, exhaling on each push stroke with no issue?
Cardio, Check. Standing frame, check. Time on floor – In Process! My body and legs are going thru ‘the works’ right now! My legs (especially my glutes and quads) are really feeling it! I’m doing these “Half Standing Pull-Ups” and my legs are cooperating, not fighting me, and really showing up to get some work done! I’ve been glad to feel and see my legs cooperating and helping me with this movement! As I’m doing these pull up reps, I’m looking up towards the ceiling, towards the light in the closet! I’m noticing and feeling my head position is very much having a large effect on how my body is positioning. Almost like when I would try this before, I was never looking up? And now that I am, I’m feeling my legs engaging more and more? Almost as if they understand that if my head is looking up, there should be incentive to “get up there?” I’m trying to be very mindful of the exhale while I’m laying on my back. My abdomen is relaxed and my left hip isn’t going in flexion! I need my body to remember and understand this is a safe position.
“My actions are my only true belongings: I cannot escape their consequences. My actions are the ground on which I stand.” – Thich Nhat Hanh
Interesting quote, our actions are the embodiment / product of our thoughts. This is where the rubber really meets the road. Pretty interesting fella from Vietnam, Would be a cool guy to read more about!
“If I have seen further it is by standing on the shoulder of giants.” – Isaac Newton – This quote is honestly amazing, because coming from someone like Isaac Newton, is really remarkable. Who are the giants he is referring to?! to think of all the work that I am doing, too, really is just building off the others before me. I can’t forget that. We really do need to keep that in mind.
The Shop
As I’m reading this book by Adam Savage, I can’t help but get jealous and reminiscent of the shop(s) he has had, and then I think about my shop(s), on Cramer St. Honestly, it bums me out to no end. Ugh, Sigh. I had a wood working shop in the basement, which I was also using as a “clean” shop, for pedal bikes. That’s where I was able to finish the builds, and setup a stand as well for lacing wheels. It was great, I cleaned it all up down there so well, and even rearranged so I was able to get a comfy chair down there for ‘hanging’! All my camping stuff was in the other room, neatly packed in the cupboards, and my bags hanging as well. Outside, I had in my garage, the “dirty” shop. The shop for working on the motorcycle, snowmobile, truck, forge, and anything else I needed to be working on outside. Shoot, I even have a portable fire pit, that I would get going on cold days when I was working on the truck! It was honestly great. I had made a ton of great memories out there with Max and some of my friends who would help me on projects! Shoot, there was even one day out in the cold with the fire pit going, where I was actually pulling the rear differential, rebuilding it, and doing this all on the coldest day of the year (or at least from what I remember in November!)
The problem is though, I didn’t even get to pack it up or see any of those tools or projects again after the accident. This had made me so sad. To have to have your whole life’s worth of belongings put into a storage unit is pretty heart breaking. Who even knows when I will get to see and use it all again? What shape will it be in? What’s going to work? Who knew what any of it was? I guess, these are the thoughts that run thru my mind, thinking about it all right now. (Sigh). It’s hard. Day in and day out, it’s a crazy ride. What’s also interesting, is this morning was when I got the Gerber Multi-tool in, that I was going to make a MOLLE setup under the canvas chair support, to hold the sheath for it. I was figuring out a way to get a better setup for me to have some form of tools on me! Interesting too, how all these things aligned?
I knew after we got back from getting groceries, how tired my body was. I was stretched out, worked, and tired. My muscles fatigued. I could feel the sudden urge of sadness start to come over me. It’s hard, but I think this is how my body and mind expresses my tiredness. I’ll take that cue, and get some rest now for the night. it’s 10, and I was in the standing frame till 9:47pm. Time for sleep.
11/17 – The Left Hip
This gosh darn left hip. I was working on stretching my hips and hamstrings out in the chair last night, and it was helping so much! My legs while laying on the right are getting extended, and I’m feeling my lower quads activating more and more! The combo I did yesterday of, gym —> standing frame for 5-10min, floor work & crawling, prone & should work, tall kneeling while doing activity (folding clothes), then mini-squat pull-ups, horizontal rows, and supine overhead arm extension work, all had my legs activating so much! It also was a great balance between excitatory and inhibitory, because when I’m on the floor, I can actually “relax” and let my body rest in between sets.
After I got in the standing frame at the end of the day, I was equally happy and surprised at how active my quads and legs were after all of this! This is the exact work they need! It’s just hard to get in the half hour of cardio like this, almost need a hand erg or something. To be honest the punching bag is so easy, and it works my body so much!
For this week, I need to keep up the leg activation and then paired with quality inhibition time. I’m not sure if this means just standing frame work, with stretching after? If I’m up for 15hrs, how is it that I could split the time equally? Or does that even make sense? I’ll have to do some research into this one, I think I need to understand what the waking inhibitory signal timeframe/ goal is, and then work back from there?
I feel it in my deep glute, glute med, and my iliac crest is tight? The spasms are in the outer hips, and deep deep backside of the upper hamstring?
My left hip is going through a major unwinding event triggered by being prone — the only position that truly unloads the iliacus, psoas, and deep hip flexors, causing these muscles to lose their ability to guard (Cleveland Clinic; Biel). The deep pulsing and twitching I feel in the deep glute, glute med, iliac crest, and upper hamstring are signs (I think) that the hip capsule, psoas–iliacus complex, and deep external rotators such as piriformis and obturator internus are releasing stored tone! (Neumann; Johns Hopkins Medicine). This release allows the pelvis to level, the sciatic pathway to decompress, and the posterior chain to re-engage (Brukner and Khan; Physiopedia). These structures I believe are foundational for hip extension, pelvic stability, and improved lower-limb neural conduction, which might help explain why my legs are straightening more at night and why my quads were so responsive yesterday?!
My left hip might finally be dropping out of chronic protective tone — releasing the psoas/iliacus and deep hip rotators — which opens the exact chain I need for hip extension, quad activation, pelvic symmetry, and future walking?!?!? (Cleveland Clinic; Neumann; Shepherd Center).
Have you ever experienced a source of exhaustion, so deep, that your fatigue transforms into a deep sadness? Where your body is just all out of sorts? There isn’t enough gas in the tank. It’s pure exhaustion. It reminds me of a toddler, late in the night, who’s been up for too long. It reminds me of the exact same thing. It’s crazy. My back has some very interesting tight spots. Pins and needles in other areas. My legs aren’t sure what they need to do next. My mind wants a break. All signs are “you’re tired, Joe”.
(Sigh). This sure is tough work sometimes. Working your body and mind to exhaustion. But hey, if we didn’t put the work in, what would it all mean, or be worth, anyways?
PT today was great, I actually got to stretch my legs throughout the day, in addition to the standing frame! I was honestly stretched out and able to move more than what felt like ever before a starting PT session!
11/18 – Wiggle My Toes?
I understand I start the morning and day with what I’m feeling new, and it’s because it’s real! It’s honestly remarkable. It’s what’s helps me to keep waking up, when sometimes I do not want to. My hips and back are full and alive, knees, calves, ankles, shins, feet are waking up so much! It’s incredible!
My sleep last night was hard. My left hip flexor was being a huge menace to society. I need to figure out a way to prep him for some sleep on hard days like that? I didn’t get in the standing frame after dinner? Is that it? Should I have used my astronaut pants? All these questions I gotta think about.
Also, my legs are EXTREMELY sweaty. It’s intense! Everything is waking up, reorganizing, you name it! One of these days I’m gonna wake up and be able to wiggle my ankles and toes, just you wait to see! I can feel it!
Yep, my legs are soaked!
Wow, it’s fascinating to me how intersections throughout life all seem to align. Like when I just read the words from Dan Smith (Dance Myth), and how he talked about finding the right words, in different emotional states. I had this exact thought, only a few days ago.
I’m having a harder and harder time wanting to do any “browsing” on this dang cellular device. Not that I do much anyways since I’m busy trying to stay alive, but the moment where I will, check my email for instance, of all the silly brands I’ve gotten emails for, it just reminds me of all the things I cannot do right now. Like camping, for instance. Seeing all the ads for outdoor gear, motorcycles, you name it. Really just a bummer. I guess this is when I throw my hands up in the air, and shrug. Not much else I can do about that right now, really.
I was able to hit the punching bag tonite, and am up in the standing frame to round out the night. It’s about 8:49pm, and my body doesn’t know what to do. I honestly worked the crap out of my body, and I was able to have gotten my heart rate up consistently higher on average than I have in quite some time, it’s been about a month since I got it this high, and my body is whooped. Truly, the Exo had me whooped yesterday. While using the punching bag, I ended the session with some “push-offs” and circles, with the bag. It was cool too, because my opposite legs to the direction of push were pushing into the ground into extension so significantly! Each push, it was more and more squeeze in my quads!
I tried to use the leg stretcher a decent amount today, it’s honestly making my legs “heavy” and ever more present! Sounds to me like a great way to keep helping my inhibitory signaling path. Oh yeah! I was curious if there are more signals than excitatory or inhibitory signals going to our legs? I will have to investigate this branch!
So i was working on “looking up” while hitting the punching bag and doing my pushes! It honestly helped a ton!
11/19 – “have you been dancing lately?”
Days are getting colder, and yesterday was super wet and rainy. Makes for a harder time getting around for me. I guess that’s where I’m feeling it, I’m not feeling as welcomed or wanted. It seems to be eating at me. I’m also not getting the best sleep. My left hip is really struggling, and it keeps me up all night. So I have days where I’m not feeling useful, and nights where I’m feeling restless. Talk about that conundrum. (Sigh).
You know, I just had the most interesting interaction with this old gal. Her and I exchange pleasantries and hellos as we are checking out from the doctor’s appt, and then she asks me this question, “have you been dancing lately?” And I smile, and go, “well no, unfortunately not.” And she follows up with me and says, “well, this is how you do it, and proceeds to extend her feet at the ankles, to get on her toes while she is sitting, and taps them on the floor, side to side.” She goes on to say, with her finger to her mouth, “shush, don’t tell anyone” and winks. My eyes are all watery right now, because I don’t think this old woman knew how much I like (liked?) to move my feet. I’ll remember this moment, heck, maybe she is right.
PT today, got a bit scrambled because of a shuffling of the schedule. I got in, and got to work! This was the most upper body work I’ve done in the Exo! Quite the session! Honestly! …. Shoulder presses!
My left lower abdomen right now as I’m laying supine is actually relaxed! I’m not sure for how long, but we will see! This area actually got worked today! In the position he should! The more time I spend up in the Exo, the better! These legs are getting stronger with each set, I feel em! I wonder how long I would have to use this before my legs are able to support me on my own?
11/20 – “the second heart in our body”
This has got to be the most sensation, activation, and proprioception I’ve felt in my legs since the accident!! this is insane!! Also too, did the spasticity in my left hip flexor kick the bucket!? Because I can count on one hand how many times it spasmed this past night!! This is amazing!! My legs are feeling so much fullness and activation after yesterday, it’s absolutely insane! That may have been one of the longer sessions too, that I have had in the Rewalk! Although I wasn’t up in it walking for the whole 1-1/2hrs, I did a ton of upper body work in it with Joni and Maia, and my legs are responding tremendously to this! This is absolutely incredible!
All the upper body work we were doing in the Exo has got my upper back feeling great! I don’t have any tightness there of any sort, and my shoulders and scapula feel like it’s actually sitting in its proper position! This whole posterior chain back of mine is really engaging!
I go back-and-forth quite a bit, I feel with continuing on and working on my current path towards Recovery. On days that I’m home a lot, I just feel bad. On days that I don’t get to move around as much I definitely feel worse. I don’t know if it’s just a lack of movement or physiological effects, or why but it definitely has a huge impact on my overall demeanor and well-being. So I’m really excited for the day that I get to bring the Exo home!
Honestly at Pilates today, this session was great! My body is moving in more and more ways, and getting further and further into extension! When Therese called our calves, “the second heart in our body”, I had never heard that analogy / comparison before? I think that’s interesting, that it’s been compared in this way! We talk so much and work the feet and calves, it’s so interesting to me, how our body does truly all interact and work with one another. I’ve been learning that more these days, and it definitely feels true, at least in my body.
Therese has made me think about my body in ways I’ve never thought of before. Two-way stretches, the pelvic clock, benefits of the magic circle, and our feet as the entrance to our body?! It’s really remarkable to me, how there are so many practitioners of the body, and they all have different insights and experiences for how they have seen the body interact. It’s interesting, there’s so much to learn.
I’ve been able to stretch my legs out for almost an hour in the IdealKnee, before I’m up in the standing frame. It’s great to feel the engagement, and also the fullness from the relaxation I’m able to get them to achieve. It’s really quite interesting.
Dance Myth
As I was listening to Dan Smith, from the bands Listener & Dance Myth, he talks about using his emotional states as energy for creativity/ productivity. “It’s been such a personal trauma space for me, and I’ve certainly used how I feel about that day as energy for other work, but I wanted to write about it specifically, vulnerably, honestly (and not cryptically) from my perspective. So, I stopped trying so hard and this came out of me.” – Dan Smith – Listener/ Dance Myth. He’s talking about something very personal, and deeply moving. It’s, honestly not too far off from how I feel, about my situation. I never thought though, of trying to use this energy for other work, per se. I guess it’s motivation to keep working and doing, but maybe not in this creative sense? It’s just been such an inner struggle, with so many “triggers” throughout the day to remind me about how much this can really suck. On that same note though, Therese and my mom were just saying, “you can’t be happy all the time” or “one construction zone at a time”. There’s a lot of truth to both of these statements, it’s just not always easy reminding ourselves of these facts.
So as I’m up in the standing frame, I couldn’t help but notice my body was letting more “toots” out than ever before? This action is a parasympathetic dominant event, so this has to be great news for my Autonomic Nervous System (ANS). They don’t call this your “rest and digest” part for nothing!
I’m really glad to know how much my left hip flexor calmed down last night, and when I woke this morning. That was such a big move! I’m really glad to know that I can get this body to change, and I’m feeling it every day. This is a good spot to wrap it up for today, I’ll try to keep track of some of these things. Rest for today.
11/21 – What Did You Do Today?
As I’m keeping up on top of my cardio, Exo work, upper body work, leg stretching / relaxation, standing frame work, floor work, PT, OT, & Pilates, I’m really feeling all these changes setting in, more and more, with each passing day. My hips and core and fuller, my legs are alive, and more active, my feet are feeling more and more firm! I’m almost in a bit of a stride with all of this work. I think it’s interesting, how quickly when I’m tired, I can get either demotivated, sad, depressed, and discouraged. What are some things I can remember to help with this?
- Did you do work on your body today? – if yes, then what movement?
- Did you eat and drink well today? – if so what did ya have?
- Did you talk to Callie and your family today? – If so, who?
- Did you work on your projects today? – If you did, what progress did you make?
- Did you write today? – If so, what about and what for?
Maybe run thru these questions? They seem like they capture what you’re needing to do, and also what you want to be doing in this immediate, day by day moment. You’ve been putting the work in, and your legs are responding. I guess I’m always wondering what other “tests” and trials can I do to further progress my standing and walking goals? Time in the Walker? Or at the counter? Tall kneeling work? I think these might be good little additions you could add in?
It’s interesting how the breath work has been helping my movements, an exhale on extension work, and a hold during inhale work? Almost like my body is relearning what to do with all of the oxygen reserves in my legs? Which, if I’m being honest, is what is happening? right? Maybe something more to look into?
Okay, so this is interesting….. EDIT: 12/10: SHOOT, I am not sure what I thought all these weeks ago! I must have had some fun new sensation or thought!
11/22 – Clenched Fist
Well I wish my body would cooperate with me once in a while. I’m trying to give myself some rest, and that’s not going so well. Great.
Okay, so my clenched fist can fit between my ribs and hips (iliac crest) on my right side, but I cannot fit my left fist on my left area between pelvis and ribs. So I can feel how this area is affecting my hip/pelvis, but also how I can extend my left shoulder in flexion, above my head? How can I strengthen the antagonist muscles, and also stretch out this area? What muscles are these? I got some research to do?!
Up in the standing frame, and I’m having the worst time getting my left arm up overhead in shoulder flexion? Also to bring my arm overhead and across my body is so extremely hard! I think this ties back to some of the Pilates principles of a 2-way stretch? Strong core, to extend out? Also why does this left area gotta be so tight? I think this area will be a continued, but new area of focus for me next week, there’s a lot to “unpack” down there, and he’s so gosh darn tight! That’s all I got for today!
The Astronaut on Earth 
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