10/12
Whenever we proceed from the known into the unknown, we may hope to understand, but we may have to learn at the same time a new meaning of the word “understanding.” – [1] I really liked this quote. I think Werner is on to something here, our understanding is changing as much as we are experiencing.
10/13
Okay, so what I need to do is start to map out the supporting muscles of the hips. Not the main movers, but the muscles that work for stability, and work more isometrically. Then, I can target those muscles first. Because last night, I used the IdealKnee and the magic circle before bed, and it really helped calm my legs down. I was even wondering if I can get a spring setup on the IdealKnee to the chair? There is something intrinsic happening when I use the springs, and I’m wondering if I try to get them more incorporated into my household setup? It’s so interesting noticing the subtle differences in hip positioning and how it affects my spasms. I really need to make sure I keep on top of this! I want to keep my legs progressing as much as possible, and a lighter setup would definitely help!
Also, last night was interesting! I was able to take a deep inhale while laying supine, and rather repeatedly, after dinner, I was able to get a toot to come out? Does that mean I’m both working the muscles, and my parasympathetic nervous system together, to help with a contract and a release at the same time? There’s something really interesting happening with the breath and my body. I’m sometimes very surprised at how powerful it can be to help initiate change, but there’s something going on I’m not fully aware of yet.
If I’m able to get my fingers to fall asleep in my hands just from laying on them for what feels like a short amount of time, I can only imagine what I’m doing in my hips at night! Also, where are my nerve fibers? Are they traveling thru the fascia in my body? Or am I pinching them? Seems like I need more research into the Sciatic Nerve.
Wow. I am feeling a ton! This is pretty wild because my body is really really really waking up! What’s interesting is right after I got the Botox, my feet felt different ,almost like there was those little toe separators in them? My legs worked really hard today during PT and I did just over 1800 feet! Which was four laps and this also was probably one of the least amount of help that I’ve gotten to date! It was really cool too, because I was actually able to try to hold a little bit of a conversation with both Callie and Ashley! Also too, no accident! Which is great. I will be honest though my body does feel very very interesting right now. Very fatigued I think?
10/14
Sleep. Is. Hard. It’s always interesting when I try to go to bed early to try to get extra sleep and how my body actually behaves. it just feels more and more like I just need to get good restful sleep as opposed to getting extra sleep, we’ll see you when the Botox kicks in. It’s been interesting, really, with all the activation going on! It’s been a lot of movement through all my legs! Just lots to do lots of keep up on. We will see how today goes.
Crazy, I just got done doing my IdealKnee routine, with the magic circle! It’s crazy how much it helps my hips and legs before bed! I had a crazy busy day today at work, and I unfortunately didn’t get to help my body near as much as I wanted! That’s okay though, I could really feel how my legs were calming down, at the end of the day from the car ride home. It was interesting. These legs are so tired, but also restless. It’s a hard sensation to fully describe!
10/15
It’s so weird. I never really understand why my legs are gonna tingle more when they’re going to try to calm down. It’s just weird. I don’t fully understand it. Well something happened last night that was interesting. What I tried to do was when I was laying prone on my belly, I decided not to fight the spasms, but to lean into them, and do a mix of contraction and relaxation, so I also paired it with a breath. If I was going to spasm, I just kind of leaned into it my hips and then after I could start to feel the spasm, what I did was tried to pair that with a contraction. So then from there, what I did was take a big inhale and then worked on relaxing those muscles while simultaneously contracting my glutes, and in my head, I realize what I was doing, I was working my inhibitory system with the excitatory system! Before all this in my head I was like, “if my excitatory system is the one that’s overactive and it’s not getting inhibitory signals, then what I need to do is pair that tone with an excitatory signal, and then mix in inhibitory cycling at the same time?” It was interesting because I did this for I don’t know, 5, 10, 20 minutes? And it was interesting because the results after this work were not quite expected, it was interesting because not only was I getting myself to flex my hips & get them to relax, but I was actually calming the tone down. It was interesting because on nights like that what I tried to do before all this, wasn’t a lot of breath work while trying to do anything, but I have to sync my motion with the breath. It needs this synchronization.
because this last night, I was not very happy with what I was thinking about myself. I just didn’t want to have to go into some sort of fantasy land in my brain. I just didn’t. so I did try not to think in my head for four —> eight seconds. For six seconds inhale, then slowly transition to an eight second exhale. And I was only able to count up to maybe 150 and then I got distracted. And that’s when I tried and got this thought about trying to get my tone to calm down. I’m gonna have to try again because there might be something to that in the middle of the night.
Okay PT today was a really productive day! Working my body more and more upright! Danica had me initiating hip flexion movements while in tall kneeling, and I was very pleasantly surprised with how well they went for me! I’m thinking about it right now, as I’m laying down for the day, and I have a thought, “Activation. It. needs to also be paired with, in some form, inhibition. While I was at PT, I get to lay prone for durations of time between sets. And right now, at the end of the night, I grabbed the IdealKnee, and started to do some small circles, inside and out, with my legs. It’s interesting to me, how tight they really are in these planes of motion. I’ve been noticing how it’s been helping me at night, doing these stretching plus movement exercises. My legs really need it!
Today in the Exo I did 3300ft! This was definitely a new record! I was really happy to have gotten that done all within the 2nd hour! Slowly but surely I’m getting more and more steps in, and I know I’m not stopping! This whole afternoon and evening, out of the Exo, my legs, and especially my right leg, had been so much more active when I need him to be! he’s kicking out, pulling in, and moving more and more! I’m at the point now where I really do need to let him try to do more movements on his own!
10/16
Wow! Yesterday has gotten my legs feeling incredible today! Pair it with all the work I did, and also then I didn’t sleep too too bad? Definitely during me waking up things are rough, but I was able to get back to sleep in a decent amount of time but seriously! My legs when I woke up were more extended than usual. Left leg wasn’t super sweaty and it feels like I got leg warmers on my lower legs and my feet are feeling absolutely incredible. It’s pretty amazing! I just gotta keep it up. I was really happy to have been able to get do some upper body work while standing because I was feeling everything on the posterior chain really firing and also I was able to look in the mirror at how vertical I was!! That really helped me figure out where my hips, my head, and shoulders really need to be. I also tried to keep myself pretty hydrated in the afternoon. I don’t always do a good job at that but I think yesterday I did pretty good!
Pilates today went really well! I got on what’s called the “baby chair“ and Therese made mention that she thinks the baby chair should be in center of Pilates studio. She was mentioning how this is this one you can do just about everything you can do on the Mat in! She was discussing the progression between the floor as well as the baby chair and I’m very happy with how it’s progressing! I need to drop my weight to get myself to stand. This idea is such an interesting one, and the more I talk about it, it seems to be one that I have a more difficult time understanding? Dropping my weight to pick up the other knee, it’s pretty interesting when you think about it, and when she demonstrated for herself, dropping the weight into one leg, then being able to pick up the other knee it is starting to make more sense. I think! Definitely one to make sure I learn and commit to memory better!
10/17
Wow! It’s been a pretty pretty decent week for my legs and my leg progress! I woke up this morning and there was quite a bit of activation and also relaxation in the overactive muscles, in particular the hip flexors as well as the hamstrings. I felt like I was actually able sleep on my back! It’s interesting having always to balance and manage activation, as well as relaxation throughout the day. And you know what, it’s not just movement, really. I’m just feeling how much more active my posterior chain is! My lower quads really feel like they are kicking in!
Honestly, that drive home was really interesting in terms of sensations and flashbacks. My quads, low back and glutes, and my gastroc’s and soleus are all really kicking in! I’m happy to feel so much activation in all these parts of my legs. Truly, I feel them filling in underneath me. Therese did say, I need to drop my weight!
Is your breath like the only way you can control your autonomic nervous system? How can you, and how are you able to control your autonomic nervous system? Seems to me I better do some more research because I honestly don’t know. Besides the breath, what else is there?
Also too, is our stomach just expressing different functions / emotions of ourselves? When you’re happy, hungry, safe, relaxed, anxious? Pretty sure it also vocalizes in some way, our expressions? Huh, wild and interesting thought?!
I’m just wanting to move around, use my legs, and see other folks and stand up. Ugh. Such a hard one these days!
My body is activating so much throughout my posterior chain and lower end! It’s pretty incredible!
The only way you’re going to stretch a muscle is by strengthening its other side. Guess I’m on the right track with my quads and glutes! Turns out I’m needing to work on the ratio, of Extension:Flexion. (Extension to Flexion) for the majority of my waking day, if I’m up from 6-10, so 16hrs, I wonder what that ratio needs to be?
Dropping your weight. It’s like lowering down a long bucketed piece of equipment down a mine shaft. Down a long well. Into the caverns of darkness.
10/18
Man oh man, I feel like my legs are really on line these days. And firing all the time! My lower legs, ankles, beds of my feet, are really waking up! I said just yesterday it feels like I have leg warmers on, almost! Which is interesting to think about. My legs are really trying! My body just wants to go! Today has been extremely slow. My body doesn’t “bounce back” after a night out on the town very well anymore. I feel very tired, and run down. I guess that’s why they say you gotta pay to play? I guess that’s how it works? Either way, I seem to never learn?
You ever feel, while lying down, the tears roll down your face and make their way into your ears? Tears in your ears? It’s interesting, really. For there to be a situation where the way you feel flows over into other senses? Not that I could actually hear my sadness or grief, but that it was more touch in an area you don’t quite expect it to be.
Couple lines from Wooden Heart by Listener that hit the hardest,
“Well, I’ve been haunted by standard red devils and white ghosts
It’s not only when these eyes are closed
These lies are ropes that I tie down in my stomach
But they hold this ship together, tossed like leaves in this weather
My dreams are sails that I point towards my true north
Stretched thin over my rib bones, and pray that it gets better
But it won’t, at least I don’t believe it will…”
You know, on days like today, it’s hard for me to realize, that I know I need days of rest. Even if it’s not a lot, or even if it’s not all the time. Listening to some Dan Smith, and it’s putting me into a mode of realization. It’s weird to have these realizations, like, are these lies I tell myself about everything I’m experiencing, what’s causing my extremely tight abdomen? The lies that I will “ever walk again?” Even though I’m actively progressing? This song made me cry, and I can now see why. There’s a lot to unpack in song lyrics, and to make our own meanings of them is where the real magic can happen, I think.
Sometimes, I’m really feeling how I need to try to get the air all the way down to my toes and legs. Like if I can’t hold it in my core and diaphragm, how can I get it down into my legs? Seems to be interesting too, how difficult it is to hold my breath when leaning far forward. I feel like there’s got to be a way?
That’s it for tonite. Been a long week, and I need some rest. I’ll end it with Dan Smith’s words, “we only have what we remember”;
But we pick ourselves up
And try and grow better through this change
So come on and let’s wash each other
With tears of joy and tears of grief
And fold our lives like crashing waves and run up on this beach
Come on and sew us together
We’re just some tattered rags stained forever
We only have what we remember
Works Cited
- Heisenberg, Werner. Physics & Philosophy: The Revolution in Modern Science. HarperPerennial, 2007.
The Astronaut on Earth 
Leave a comment