9/28
I really need to help my body, my left hip flexor is trying to tell me something, but I don’t know what. It’s so hard to have to manage all of this sometimes. You try to go on “vacation” but you can’t take any time off from your body. Which is so freaking hard. Ugh.
Gave Max the biggest wash and brushing ever! It felt so good to be able to hang out with the pup today! It’s insane, how much I miss him. It’s so hard. It’s so hard. It’s so hard not being with my dog. It makes me sadder than almost anything in the world since this accident. It’s gut wrenching. Ugh.
Made it back to Milwaukee at midnight, got in the standing frame, and the shower! This was an incredibly long day! Just a lot of traveling around, goodness what an end to the weekend!
9/29
Wow, my legs are really making some changes! I noticed how different they felt, especially in the feet, while in the shower last night! I’m gonna try to do the Botox for my left hip and hamstring, I hope it helps them chill out!
It’s wild too, having faith. In ourselves and other people. It almost is a necessary precursor to actual movement and activity. With practice and repetition, our bodies and minds are capable of so much! But without any faith in the ability to do so, or in the ability of others, we flounder, as others may as well. It’s really interesting too, having faith in ourselves. In hard moments and times, it’s something we need to keep in mind, especially when we feel maybe the weakest or least able. It’s hard out there, but it’s even harder when we lose that faith in ourselves.
Making links between quantum physics standard model, neuroscience and neurofeedback is definitely an area of exploration I’m going to continue to pursue. There’s so much going on in our minds, I want to make sure I explore these concepts so close to me right now.
It will be good to get back in my routine and swing of activities this week. My left hip flexor and abdomen is being very troubling. Probably because he’s continually waking up more and more! I just need to keep seeing this through! The drive back yesterday I was feeling so much activation and individual activation throughout my legs, it will be good to get up and see how everything is going this week!
Neural Scoffolding? Hmm? This is an interesting idea I’ll have to explore more!
Okay so my lower abdomen, pelvic region feels wild after the Exo today? Like almost like I had to go pee real bad but now that I went, there is a new lingering feeling? Like almost like something new is waking up? What is this and what could it be? It’s just so crazy how mentally and physically tired I get after the Exo, it’s really wild.
My body is feeling wild right now because I’m feeling a smoothness in my right foot. Like the feeling of a regular footbed. It’s weird, and I’m wondering too, how much this is related to the continued Exo use?
I am not sure why, our brains and body get so extremely and debilitatingly exhausted. It’s so hard to get a deep breath, in and out, when my abdomen is this tight.
9/30
Wow! This is pretty intense! I feel like I’m starting to understand whats happening! What Therese has been saying makes sense, finally! Movement really does also originate from our abdomen and our trunk! Last night my left leg has been really working to get in extension and it’s all coming from the abdomen. It’s pretty crazy because it almost feels like the same spasms that are happening to put my hip flexion, but it’s like the same area but going in extension? Like I could feel it in my legs going in extension but my hip still felt like it was contracting like it was going in Flexion?! There’s something going on here and it’s extremely interesting. I just don’t understand it all right now. I can feel it happening, but besides that ,I don’t know if I quite understand? Also too, my left leg isn’t nearly as sweaty And my left glute is fired up! Which is great. My left foot’s proprioception is seeming much more similar to my right, and really I didn’t get too terribly sweaty. My back is tight this morning but I’m feeling how much it’s able to contract. I’m sitting in the chair right now, trying to do some mini cat cows. I think that’s helping. It’s like I said to Ashley yesterday it feels like my left leg is pretzeling up when I’m walking and my right leg was feeling so incredibly stable. Also Callie didn’t have to give me a ton of help this session, which was great!
The tiredness I get after sessions like this is pretty crazy! I feel like I can only compare to the tiredness and crankiness that overcomes a young infant or toddler after a long day. So weird. It’s like my body really is an infant again and I’m really trying to get it working, Just like a baby. I did not want to get up this morning at my alarm time yet. It’s like my body takes half the night to try to calm down and relax, and then after my body calms down then finally I get some rest.
Wow! My lower abdomen right now is feeling so intense! Things are really waking up down there! It’s interesting how when on the toilet I can really feel all those muscles trying to work better in sync. Not gonna lie our lower abdomen really does carry a lot of functions; whether it’s digestion, leg flexion or extension primarily in the hips, or supporting our torso to stay upright. There’s so many functions in that part of her body. Kind of wild, when you think about it.
Made it to the gym! Got some cardio in! Man the heavy bag really helps! It’s so interesting too, when I do it at this time of the day, in the evening, and how I am able to get my heart rate up actually!
I’m pooped, I ate dinner and now I’m exhausted. Got up in the standing frame and played a quick game of chess with my cousin Josh! That was fun! We swapped stories about our shared interest in Silver Dollars, and how Josh carries one every day, just like Papa. I don’t carry anything right now, but I carried a Liberty silver dollar from Papa too, that he had given me. Pretty special.
I need some rest. It’s like 8 o’clock and I’m cooked.
10/1
First day of October. You know what’s interesting is how my innards down low really feel to be rearranging in a way that’s helping allow my legs to get into extension, more and more! I’m really happy for how my legs are responding to everything too, and using the Exo more and more is really helping!
You know it’s really interesting about the muscles in my abdomen that are coming back. It’s really just been a slow progression, and it’s been very difficult, but every morning when I wake up, I feel I’m activating them a bit more and more and since I’ve been using the Exo, I’ve felt like a step up increase in activation!
Add then I had this dream/ idea last night, where I asked somebody to put something stiff like, a ruler or a bar, and having them tape it to their back with something like duct tape it so that it’s well and stiff. I then ask them what it feels like to walk with that on their back. I figured that might give me some insight for myself. Because I know that the way I’m relearning how to walk isn’t the same as before the accident because I have so much metal in my back. Sometimes, I am wondering if a lot of these difficulties that I’m having right now or since the accident are compounded on because I have such a stiff and immobile back? I’m always trying to move it more and more throughout the day and engaging it in different ways, but it’s still really stuff. I’m also trying to make sure that I’m not using the rods as an excuse to not to try to do something. I know they’re gonna be there and I can’t change that, so I might as well try to do stuff with them in there anyways.
I’m not gonna lie, my right leg feels so much more full from yesterday from the workout I had yesterday! Very interesting what work every day really does for it all!
Okay, this last session of PT/OT with Danica and Ashley was absolutely great!! I cannot believe it took the cue of “hike your left hip” or raise your left hip, for me to finally realize and understand what it takes to keep my hips balanced and wake my left glute up!!! I’m sitting in the car right now after the session just in awe! This was absolutely astounding because my outer hip, my “glute meed” is really waking up and active right now!! So the session started off great, by me getting a giant stretch in my shoulders and chest, and Danica made it very clear, “loosen up your shoulders and upper part of your fascia, and that will help loosen up your hips.” Which was honestly a huge breakthrough for me because I need to make sure I’m stretching my pecs, shoulders, and even doing the AC wiggle that Danica was also talking about. It was honestly a lot all packed in, plus too, all that work allowed my body to do some mini hip squats! I could barely hold myself up before all this work, and all the work we were doing in the Bosu ball!
Then, to top it all off, she had me doing the “mini squats”. The mini squat pulses, that I’m pushing through my feet in the deep squat position! These were going so well! I was pushing through my legs so much and so high I was almost to the point I could barely even touch my hands on the chair and mat beside me! It was incredible! I was really astounded with what my legs were doing! So then, Danica asks me, “want to try to just transition this onto the mat? just push up and work to move yourself over on the mat?” So, in my head, I realize, “this is exactly how I’ve tried to get up from the floor before! Just one fluid motion, let’s do it!” And on the next reposition, I get my hands into position, and then, BAM! I’m up!! Just like that! It was so quick I almost didn’t even realize how it happened?! My legs kicked in so much and so automatically!
Then the Rewalk. Honestly, each session is getting better and better yet. Our bodies everyday are able to surprise us with what they do! I am genuinely pleasantly surprised by how much this session has allowed me to feel and sense my legs and body! My feet haven’t felt this much since the accident, it was truly wild! I find it so interesting, when I finally feel a new sensation, it’s almost like it’s never left. Like, my brain and body have completely remembered what the feels and sensations are, but for whatever reason, it’s taking the craziest and most difficult route to gain back.
So what happened was, Ashley and Callie had let me try to make my first attempt of walking in the Rewalk without almost any assistance. Callie was still there for emergency support, but she was purposefully waiting to give assistance until I very much needed it. And what happened next was truly interesting. When I started off, I had a moment of realization that I really need to emphasize the stance, and lean into the stance foot. After I get doing this for a couple steps, I then start to notice something. I’m noticing that the queue to move the crutches or transition to the other foot, was when my stance foot had gone from heel to toe….. to transfer weight from the heel to my toe…. As in I was feeling my foot transfer weight along the and through the bottom of my foot!? This was insane! This was incredible! I soon realized, that I wasn’t able to focus on any additional part of the sequence at the same time as focusing on my feet! So what do I do? I continue to only focus on my feet! I keep my head up, keep moving forward, and feel and trust the weight being transferred from my heels to my toes! I couldn’t believe it was happening!
After I got out of the Rewalk, my legs were full of sensation, pump, and increased proprioception from it all! I was whooped! I was exhausted! It was truly incredible! My legs and feet were feeling more and more like legs than they ever have! I didn’t even know what to say!
It’s been such a long day, and I’m also extremely tired. This body is doing so much. Let’s get him some rest.
10/2
Again, another day, another jump up in sensation! My feet, shoot, they’re feeling so much! It’s pretty wild right now because both my legs and everything that I did yesterday is really starting to click! I do think that what we did yesterday and try to correct was my head position issues, and I had a huge breakthrough because I felt it almost immediately! It was that quick!
So I’m sitting here right now and my feet and ankles are feeling a ton. My legs are feeling engaged and I’m noticing how I need to correct my hip position to try to get myself aligned, so I’m super excited to see how that goes throughout the day. that simple minor adjustment in my pelvic position.
It’s been a busy week. Well, it’s been a very full week. I really like to be careful about how I use that word “Busy” because it almost feels like that word just turned into another four letter word that everybody uses. And I don’t know if I like that. It was nice when I was talking to my mom and dad yesterday about what they were up to and to be honest those two are always busy! I do think they are a good inspiration for me and for how to get things done and how to work together. I know it’s not easy, but it doesn’t mean that we can’t still smile and have some fun at the end of the day. It makes me almost think of how almost everybody throughout history has done that, they’ve had to work hard. They’re extremely busy, but they still try to smile and have some fun at the end of the day. So now we live in a society that has almost too much fun a little too often and doesn’t fully acknowledge or realize that being busy or putting a lot of work in, shouldn’t be shied away from. And maybe that’s what it takes to have a fulfilling life? To make sure that we’re constantly working and striving for more? As opposed to just getting comfortable and content? Either way, I know that it’s been a lot for me at the end of the night. I’m still very glad to be able to lay down with my Cal and get some rest. I know there’s a lot going on, but I like to keep trying because I see how much she’s trying for me.
10/3
I didn’t get great sleep last night. My GI tract was definitely feeling all the rumbles. It’s hard to have to be “on guard” seemingly 24/7. It’s tough.
Leg engagement is really on the up and up today! All this hip setting and hip repositioning has really been helping! Pulling my left hip up has made such a change!
Goodness, it’s Friday and I just got home, and to be honest, I’m just exhausted. It’s been such… you know, I really have been trying to get away from the idea of talking about how busy I am, tired I am, or anything about the fact of how “hard” things are. I guess I realized earlier this week, or maybe today, that it doesn’t really help me much, if at all. The thing is, there are loads of people out there who are busy. Who are tired. Who have so much to do, and don’t want to do it, but they do it anyways, that we really shouldn’t try to compare or complain. I was thinking earlier about how hard people throughout history have had it. How difficult an entire day was. To think that running water, a clean toilet, and clean water on top of running water, weren’t just givens, really does put it into perspective. I don’t think people realize how important the P-trap in your plumbing is to modern living! To think that all the smells from all our waste water could actually have just been creeping back into our lives inside our homes is honestly kinda terrifying. I’m trying to think about all the “necessities” we have today, that wouldn’t have existed years ago, and they just keep popping into my mind, soap, hand washing, shoes & modern footwear, the printing press, written language, the loom & modern thread, portable fire, goodness, the list goes on and on. It’s very much like each decade and century it becomes more and more, almost exponential, it seems! The goal post is always moving. Regardless of how far we’ve come, the goal post keeps on moving. The thing is too, you and I today wouldn’t be here in our homes, if it wasn’t for the fact that some human (our ancestors) kept on moving, kept on progressing and trying to survive, since the beginning of human existence. Every single one of our ancestors actually HAD to keep on moving forward throughout life otherwise we wouldn’t have been born. I’m sure you could say or make a point that our parents or family may not have needed to live much longer than after we were born. But, you have to realize, humans are not independent creatures for quite some time. I’m not sure what that age always used to be, but if we look it up and just reasonably say it would take until you are I don’t know, 10? Until you’re able to survive independently? Then we are talking about a significant portion of their lives, needed to be dedicated to keeping not only themselves alive, but also the lives of those around them!
It’s really interesting when you start to trace it back. Throughout history, us humans, have all had to keep going. And you know what, I appreciate that in them. Thanks old folks before me, I appreciate ya. We wouldn’t be here with you.
I was talking to John, and he goes on to say, “ I was listening to my podcast yesterday and this farmer was talking about a neighbor farmer. He was friends him, and he with was a WWII vet, lost both his legs. And also, he said that guy did more in his wheelchair than most people do with two legs. He built a field of raised beds to grow strawberries so he could plant and pick them.”
Honestly it’s pretty incredible. The fact that as humans, we just keep trying, keep trying to move on. To carry forward, in any means or any way we can. There are so many instances of this, it’s truly a human condition. So as I’m writing this right now, I took a moment to call my mother, and start getting myself out of the car. For some reason, talking to others helps motivate me. Seems to have been something I picked up on about myself after the accident. The mundane and less desirable tasks were all that much more palatable because I was able to talk to someone. It wasn’t even me talking to them about how to do what I was doing, it just feels like I needed someone to talk to?
Reminds me of the greenhouse days. Talked and walked more than I remember! I remember Paul had his phone on him in the later years (I never carried my phone then at work) and in one day, it would be over 25,000 steps! Truly, making so many memories while on my feet. Gotta love it.
10/4
That. Was. horrendous. I ate too much from my favorite restaurant across the street, and I threw it all up. My body is awful. I’m tired, weak, and shakey. I’m so tired of having to deal with all this. Day in and day out. I thought Callie and I were getting a break and a night in, little did I know it just meant a night that would end in my body revolting.
All that puking and vomiting really did a number on me. On a more positive note, it’s allowed me to really feel the lower part of my abdomen just that much more. It’s contracting much more reliably than ever, and it’s weird how some horrible event usually puts some things in motion and in place for my body to be able to respond. It’s weird. But that’s just what I’ve seemed to notice?!
All right. OK. This is gotta be the most that I felt in my ankles and feet today. This is absolutely wild after I got up and out of bed my ankles and feet are feeling absolutely crazy!
Okay what the heck just happened??? As I’m reciprocally moving my hands on the wheels to go into the bedroom, I notice that my left and right legs ‘reciprocally’ were moving opposite to my arms that were pushing the wheels??!!!!!! This was awesome! I noticed this a couple days ago, but nothing to this effect!?
Man oh man, got a nap in, got my head washed, and got Callie out on the town!!
Made it to Beet Street festival!!
Made it home after a long day out!!
Got up in the standing frame to stretch out before bed!
Is my stomach trying to do the same thing as yesterday? Oh boy we may have a bumpy night ahead..
The Astronaut on Earth 
Leave a comment