8/24
Okay, I can feel more and more surging into my lower legs! It’s definitely that “creaky” and slow signal, that has reminiscent points of tingle, but it’s slower, like the TV static on basic TV from the 90’s tuning back into focus, with the antenna you have sitting on top! It’s crazy, everything has a bit of a rumble to it, as well!
Well after a session in the standing frame for 2+ hrs, dinner, and a session on the floor, I finally put my astronaut pants on for the first time in weeks! They feel amazing right now in supine! It’s pretty incredible! I’m feeling so much in each of my feet, ankles, shins, kinda light on the front of the knees, back of knee, thigh, inner and outer, and upper thigh on my right especially! As they were filling up, I could really feel how it was moving up and up on my leg, which was exciting! I need to try to incorporate this back into my routine and knock the dust off them!
Okay, half hour in the astronaut pants (compression pants) in supine has caused me to burp more than ever before?! Why is this?!
8/25
GEEZ?! Why was my left hip flexor so overactive last night?! This was insane!! I was having a really really hard time getting him to relax. I was struggling getting it to chill out, trying to do anything so I decided to just get up. I go to the bathroom drink some water. I think that’s gonna help. I go lay back down and it’s just doing the same thing so I asked Callie for the magnesium roller ball and I rubbed the crap out of my hip, and that actually did the trick! I was finally able to get some sleep. I just don’t know what’s going on in this left hip area, but the magnesium really helped it cause I fell asleep within minutes.
What’s interesting is how I did some new exercises with Danica during PT! I was really glad to have tried to get my hips to work against gravity, this position is the one that bugs me so much! It was so interesting, how my legs felt so differently when I was trying to kick my leg forward while in supine, vs when I’m in quadruped. It’s weird, idk what it is? Why do our signals feel different in different positions/ orientations? Why is it that we aren’t able to move in all orientations in space the same way? What is this part of our bodies?
I was really having a pretty good day at PT, where I was actually able to get my butt up on the cushion from the box on the floor without anyone’s help, and without having myself squeezed between two sturdy surfaces! That was so cool! So now, I will try to see what I can do, with what I have in action!
I am honestly really tired, and everything around my field of vision looks like it’s in a movie. I’m shocked by almost everything right now? Best to get those next time🫡🫡! …. Written from the next day: As I trail off to sleep….
8/26
Last night was wild!? I woke up about quarter after one and was like, “this has gotta be the most that I felt both of my legs all the way down to my feet in quite sometime.” I pull the sheets off to get ready to go to the bathroom, Get out of the bed and both of my legs were completely drenched. Just soaked. This usually only happens on my left leg, but then it’s both, so I don’t know what happened. Also be my right leg which was kind of weird because usually it’s just I just couldn’t believe they were. So I had 1:30 in the morning what was going on? I had to wake up Callie and we had to change the sheets because the sheets were soaked my legs let out an absurd amount of liquid and hydration. I’ve no idea what is happening in those wellness moments. So what ended up happening after I get back to bed? Hip flexor again decided to be a menace and not let me get any sleep so I had to use that magnesium roller again and it worked and got me sleep, but it was wild because when I woke up this morning, I overslept my alarm And I just woke up so groggy because I don’t know how well sleep. I’m getting these days. it’s hard sleep shouldn’t have to be so hard but I had like actively have to focus. I’m getting better sleep and getting good sleep. It’s not like I stay up too late. I’m on my phone too long or knows what I think they’re just super busy days and I really just am Exhausted. I don’t know. I just don’t know.
There has to be something to all this “impact” that our body receives, it just seems all too relevant!
What is it about the ideas, creations, processes, inventions, that we tell ourselves about? Why is it that we all seem to be drawn or shaped by certain ideas and experiences?
So, it’s interesting being on the floor right now, quarter to 9pm, and feeling how my legs are feeling as I move them through their range of motion. It’s so odd. They want to move so bad, and the more I’m able to move them around in the IdealKnee, the easier I am able to breathe? Like, it’s so interesting, I don’t fully understand it.
This gentle movement, of my legs, in a slow, and repeated fashion, is surprisingly hard. I need to really focus on coordinating my breath with an eccentric or concentric movement. Idk which I should do with which, but I try to mix it up a bit. I figure our body should be able to do both? So why not work both? I’m trying to just get a lot of movement and motion in these legs. It’s interesting how I do need to start small, and short. And I can’t seem to rush it either. That seems to contrast with PT sometimes, because I’m rushing all day, show up to PT all tight, and never get a chance before hand to slowly move my body. It’s so odd to me, how much more relaxed I feel on the floor, legs moving, and all stretched out. It’s honestly pretty nice.
So I’m always thinking about Language. How it’s shaped us, our world and society, and where we are in the world. What all would we have without it? It’s also crazy, I’m over 4 weeks behind on getting my notes published to the blog, and it’s wild how it has my head in a bit of a tizzy. I’m not sure why? I’ve never been this consistent with anything in my life, and it’s really interesting how my mind and body feels when I’m able to actually take my notes and observations.
‘Poiesis’ , from the Greek, “makers” of language, is the process of emergence of something that did not previously exist. It’s interesting because this is the origin word for poetry. I’ve taken to learning about language, and all different types. It’s very interesting, because if poetry is the process of emergence of something that did not previously exist, then what it appears to mean, is that poetry is emergence of “something from nothing”. And, to this point as well, I would say that Language really does feel that way sometimes. Where do the words come from? Some internal process in our minds, but on the surface, it definitely feels “like nothing” for a time. It’s interesting to think about, the emergence of something.
Poets – as, from the Greek, “makers” of language – have contributed to the evolution of the linguistic, expressive, and utilitarian qualities of their languages. Very interesting, I wonder what now I’m trying to make from nothing?
8/27
The fullness in my legs, my feet! My hips is truly compounding day after day! It’s so weird too, I know my body must be going through some massive changes. I also need to investigate why this magnesium roller, or whatever it is, is causing me to sleep deeper than ever before? Because what’s odd, is how my hips and legs are sweating more than ever before as well? So many things are changing in me, and it’s a lot to take all in. The heart burn and indigestion, ab activation, hip activation and sweating, fullness in legs, sensation blasting awake into my feet. The asymmetry of my abdomen. I’m just always going through massive bodily changes, while simultaneously trying to do a lot too, in my outside life. It’s a lot to handle and take in, so I take it day by day. My mind seems to be strong through most all of this, but even he needs a break sometimes. I’m also done saying I’m “busy”. I hear too many people say that, and I think that the meaning of busy is almost now watered down. I know what I’m doing, I have full days, but I can still manage this. It’s definitely a lot for someone to take on, but here we are!
Also, laying on my left side seems to be almost impossible these days? I don’t quite understand that one either.
Busy day got a lot done! Time to get some rest!
8/28
I am going to get all these muscles in my body to wake up. I can feel it. I just noticed this morning, albeit not the most glamorous exhibition of motor function and voluntary movement, but I was able to release gas more this past night, relieve distension, and get to sleep, so much better than I ever have to date! Which is great! I am really gunning for this being the reason that I’ve been having so many digestion issues! It’s so odd. Now, I have my PT’s saying it with me, “well, let’s see what’s going to change” as I’m describing and telling them about a new source of pain / discomfort / new sensation. It’s so odd because I never would have thought like this, that muscles would come back this way, but I am literally feeling it. Just like last night when Callie rests her hand on my abdomen. Her and I both would have never thought that just the touch of her hand would be enough to get my body to relax, but I am literally feeling it happen! Callie said it seems so odd and silly, but we cannot deny what is happening right before our own two eyes! So, I guess all this means is I need to just keep trying, and keep feeling.
So, I need to make what Joni and I were describing last night. A Stim unit that applies both Inhibitory + Excitatory signals to your body. Getting a 4 channel setup with the agonist and protagonist muscles (I.e. quads and hamstrings) would be so effective and I think influential for recovery! We need both signals! Not just one!
Better get up, busy day ahead (as usual)! Wait wait, I’m trying not to say “busy”. Let me try this again… I have a full day planned at work. What this means is I need to be especially careful to balance that with time in the standing frame, and time at home on the floor, and the gym. I need to make sure my fully scheduled days are still productive days in the ways that I want them to be. Here we go!
Also, something worth knowing is that my legs aren’t all super sweaty! They’re not all full of sweat so I don’t know if it’s partially from what I did yesterday at PT where I was doing floor transfer things with Danica and then I got on the trike with Joni so I get a little bit of both more like stationary leg strengthening and reciprocal motion? I have been feeling how I need both of those, and I was really feeling how active my body was on the bike yesterday which was sweet!
In the standing frame right now, and my body is needing some help/ motivation/ something to understand that this is a safe position. My abdomen is trying to fight this, but I need to let it know that this is a good, safe, and comfortable position! It really needs to know!
I feel so done. I am just, well. Overall, mentally and physically fatigued. I’m not really happy at this point in the night, there’s been too much today, and I really need to just “not”.
8/29
Trees. Firmly rooted in the earth
Branches spreading in the sky
The sensation of bark underneath your fingertips
Nestled between your nail bed and nails
The pull from your arms, the push from your legs
How secure the holdings, from the tree above your gaze
I pull myself up
And swing to kick my leg high
Wrap my leg around, and slide my leg onto one side
Of the branch to get myself rooted
For the climb to the top
Because the views above are what
I’m working so carefully to soak and capture in
Some I climb with vines
Others with the bark
And large trees with trunks so wide
I run and spring off from the side
To propel me up into the air, and grab that first branch
And dangle underneath
Before I have the chance
To quickly get my other arm up
To hold fast my positional hold
And figure out what to do with my legs
To pull them from below
It’s instinctual, climbing
Getting my body into the air from below
Almost like I’ve been here before, different tree, but same steps and patterns to complete
I don’t know where I’m going except
Up higher than the last
Time, for now I’m learning how to move better
Each tree, trial, and climb
I’ve never thought about it, except to see the sky
And here I am again, looking at each tree, each trial, each rise
I decided to write that one morning. Makes me really think about my time climbing trees as a kid. I miss it. I want that back so dearly. So one day at a time I work on my legs and body, to get myself strong enough to do it again.
My legs have been so active and so engaged and firm this morning! It’s been really interesting. I’m telling you those springs at Pilates really are the muscles on the outside of our body and they really do wake things up because my legs and I woke up this morning. Also woke something up with them! I think I need to buy some springs and bring it to PT!
It’s crazy too, how little sleep I get. I woke up this morning and I know I’m not rested.
I’m really happy with how engaged my legs have been and were when I woke up this morning!! All this stepping at Pilates is really helping out with this!!! It’s pretty incredible! I just know how far behind I am with sleep and rest, so I need to get caught up on that, kinda soon.
8/30
Okay so I woke up this morning with my left leg straighter than ever before! I can really feel my left glute activating! I really needed that rest day yesterday, I know those days are hard for me, but I still need to rest. Like this morning. Even though it’s 6am on a Saturday, I still need to get up, do my business. Maybe I can approach today and this morning slightly different?
MY LEFT LEG IS SO STRAIGHT! I can seriously feel my abdomen and low back working in unison to get my leg extended! Just like what Therese has been trying to teach and tell me!
I need to work on moving my legs while seated, side to side. I know how helpful that would be, I’m trying to think what would be good for this?
Why is it that my hips, knees, toes, and ankles are all feeling so much more after this last round of rest? I’m feeling my left hip and knee soo much! My toes are coming online, same thing with the beds of my feet! It’s almost as if my joints are feeling some amount of tightness right now?! I’ve been so pleasantly surprised by how my lower abdomen is pushing my legs down and out, and how my left glute is feeling so much more charged up and online! It’s amazing!
Why does it always feel like September goes by so fast? Ever since I was little, it seems to just fly by. Maybe I can try to make this one seem a little longer?
Working out inhibitory system isn’t ever really talked too much about, I feel. I’m spending time right now laying supine, on my back, and working on my breath. It’s almost like I’m doing reps for “inhibition” trying to get my body to relax. I know this is important to get my body up straight, because if I can’t get my body to send both excitatory and inhibitory signals at the same time, then I have an issue. Slow, deep breaths, and focusing on having these legs not spasm are the reps I’m doing.
So I took a chance and tried to give myself a bit of rest this early afternoon. All was fine and dandy until I was awoken. This was startling! I had the oddest dream, where I was with some of the guys from the Equipment Team, in a shop that was also connected to a firefighters hall? So odd, and as I traversed through this, it came a point where everyone from work suddenly had left? it was weird too, because I was in an in-between state of walking, upright, and not fully walking. So I remember being up where the sleep quarters were, and it became more and more difficult for me to see, like if you were to close your eyes and start squinting? That type of blurry vision. I could feel my body faltering fast. So with that, I had asked one of the firefighters for some help, and to help get me a bite to eat, and some water, but then I was awoken from my sleep very suddenly. From here, my bladder was full, and I looked down, and I could see my legs and pants damp from something. Sweat, pee, a mix? Not sure but I needed out. I tried to give my body some rest, it’s just hard to do. My muscles don’t know the difference yet between inhibition and excitatory, so I’m working through all that, virtually all the time with them. They are getting better! I could feel after this nap, how much more active they were than before the nap! How odd? How can such a short time frame generate such interesting results?
So Callie and I kept to the easy, restful day attitude, and picked up some Culver’s. Turns out, I feel like I’ve been duped for so long, getting a deluxe double, when really, we only need a single! It’s so interesting, the single has lots of what you already need, why do we need to overindulge constantly? It’s very interesting, because I never quite thought about this till now! Too silly!
We went to Humboldt to go do some real-life movement too. I know that I’m always apprehensive to get out and about in the chair. But Callie and I went for a walk! Yeah, made it up a big hill (for me in the chair!) and then just strolled back to the car. Small steps, just baby steps for everything, even movement in this chair. I’m trying. I didn’t like that I got frustrated with Cal, but I wanted to try something new! And needed her help! I’ll slow down next time, and explain a bit better.
Made it back home, up in the standing frame, wrote some more, and used the IdealKnee for some reciprocal motion. I’m tired, trying to use this day to catch up on some rest. You know, everything and everyone is going so fast around us, it’s no wonder we all feel so overwhelmed. Busy for having fun, and work. Sometimes we have to just slow down. Trying to work on that sometimes. But it sure is tough! Let’s see what tomorrow brings, let’s give these legs a chance to really work!
Okay, last thing for the day. Callie rubbed my belly kinda fast and vigorous, and all of a sudden, my legs start to extend!? This is amazing! Okay all done for today! 4hrs of notes and journaling is enough! Bed time.
Works Cited
- Heisenberg, Werner. Physics & Philosophy: The Revolution in Modern Science. HarperPerennial, 2007.
The Astronaut on Earth 
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