8/17
This was a rough night. Okay, so I need to reframe how the cyclobenzaprine can help me right now, as opposed to thinking of it like a crutch, because it’s really helping with my lower abdomen spasms, and helping more clean signals go to my legs! My abdomen, upper things, glutes, and feet are getting much cleaner and smoother signals?! That’s got to be a good sign? What’s also interesting is as soon as I go to sit in this chair, the tingly-ness starts to ramp up too? Goodness, there’s something weird about sitting. I don’t like it always. I woke up at 3:37am and my body literally was squeezing me so hard in bed, it was insane.
I’m rather tired of all this, sometimes. All I see and hear is everyone around me vacationing and having a good time, while meanwhile I’m on the floor, crawling and scooting to try to get my body working again. Oof. It’s a slog sometimes, but I’m trying to make the most of it. Slow and steady, that’s all I can say. Big reason to try to avoid too much social media.
So what’s interesting, is laying prone with my arm in flexion overhead, when I go to raise my arm, my glutes fire? Huh interesting?
Infinite toot happened again, I don’t know what to comment on except this was when I was in the standing frame later at night, and I must definitely be all stretched out in the abdomen, and getting my GI tract all working!
Diet is so critical these days, goodness. One bad day really seems to mess me up. It’s awful. I guess it’s good I’m getting a better wrangle on this though?
8/18
My legs really got fired up this morning when I had to go pee and when I was getting out of bed! They really are trying to kick themselves out! Also too, they are becoming warmer? And sensation through my heels and feet is really increasing, to say the least!
Visceral manipulation? Hmm seems like something I should try to explore for my lower left abdomen!
How does a fetus develop its muscles inside a womb? Interesting thought? I guess, kicking? Never looked into this?
I’m going to have to get some time setup with a PT who does Visceral Manipulation! I think there are going to be some massive gains from this type of work! My left abdominal area is so awful, it’s constantly bugging me, preventing me from sleeping, and making everything that much harder. I have a good feeling about this!
I had a dream last night, I was playing soccer on the Carpathia Club main field, it was 6 v 6, I didn’t recognize most of the guys who were playing except Nicholas. It was wild, we were all washed up. I have no idea why 6 v 6 was on the full size pitch?! I could barely even get any power behind any kick, and all of our moves were slow! Ha! It was interesting too, we had put a smaller net inside the main nets as a means to play without a goalie, and there was a lot of long passes, and attempts made to try to avoid the other team. It was funny. I bet comical to watch! I was definitely playing defense, Nick was playing up top. His moves were definitely not as good as I remember, and I just couldn’t seem to clear the ball worth a darn! Wild, wild how these dreams come up in our minds? It’s so crazy to me. Who knows, what if, just WHAT IF, I was able to make this dream a reality? Maybe that’s why I couldn’t clear the ball very well, because it’s me in the future, on my feet, able to play soccer, but just limited in my abilities? Huh, honestly, I wouldn’t even be mad if that’s what this is. Guess that’s why I need to continue working hard every day, these legs are feeling stronger than ever! I swear the other day I literally felt like I was about to just stand up out of the chair?! I need to keep trying, because one of these days, it just might happen!
I need to keep going. My Callie. Goodness. She sure put up with a lot for me this weekend. I love her so dearly. I had a rough day yesterday, and she stuck with me through it. One day at a time. Slowly but surely, I’m progressing. I need to remember this.
I was in the standing frame for 3.5hrs today!!! That was intense!! My legs really are showing up to the party!
So right now, it’s 6:16pm, and I’m back in the standing frame! It’s interesting how my legs respond so quickly to being up in the frame like this! The more I do, the more I NEED to do is what I’m finding out! It’s really interesting. Slowly but surely I’m putting my body back together? It’s so weird, sometimes I don’t even know how all this is happening!
Wow, just wow. I’m pretty astounded with what my legs were up to this evening! Under the pull up bar, my legs were so stable while laying supine! My hip flexor wasn’t freaking out? And then, I was able to do my fire hydrants, and also was adducting my legs as well, very repeatedly! I was tired to start off, but slowly, as I kept moving, more and more life was breathed into me? It’s so fascinating, hard, and kinda weird? I don’t get it. Movement. Seems to me to be the trick to everything. Just need to keep in motion. Shoot! I was also rolling out my shoulders, while laying prone! This worked really well for my tight left shoulder, also too, my chest on my left side did feel tighter than I thought, I didn’t really think it was? But then, when I was finished and wrapping up to then get back into the chair, my legs had a moment. When I went to get myself over center, on top of my heels, I pull myself over, my legs decided to kick in for me! there was 3 separate instances where my legs started to kick in, and on the last one, I felt the sudden jolt and surge! This incredible surge of energy throughout my entire leg, from my heels through to my shin, knees, thighs, where I was feeling my entire body and legs get prepared to sit me up! This was incredible! My legs were really kicking in for me!
I’m so tired now, I need to get this body and mind some rest!
8/19
I said to Callie last night, “I don’t think I’ve ever read a poem before.“ She said, “there’s no way you didn’t do that in English class in high school?“ I told her no, we didn’t. We really didn’t, I think. it wasn’t something that we spent time focusing on don’t ask me why , it just wasn’t? The death of a naturalist was one of the first poems I’ve read in a very, very long time. Not to mention, I don’t know if I’ve ever read a poem? It got me thinking. When did people read poems, if ever? Made me think that people may have been writing poems before the invention of the radio or the phone or portable music? This wasn’t something that I looked up. I just wanted to think about when people may have actually read poems, but this poem is wild because it was weird how much it resonated with me. It resonated with me so much. I’m gonna leave it here.
It’s wild how words work. I never really thought about them this way before the accident. It’s weird they hold so much meaning and build up so much imagery. Our minds are so wild, with what language does. What sort of connection we have to the words in each other, because it always makes me wonder where would we be without language?
Woke up this morning feeling quite a sense that these legs are gonna wanna move today. I gotta spend at least the morning over at the one building where I can’t get up in the standing frame so I gotta make sure I do my stands there. Always trying to figure out working ways to use my legs and keep myself useful. I’m always astonished with how quickly our body is able to change it like last night when I got to the floor it’s very peculiar to be that all the floor work seems to be so significant and makes substantial changes. But now after a long day, I feel dehydrated.
An NMES device for inhibitory signals? Hmm, seems like I may have to do some thinking here and some research?!
I’m always wondering why certain things evoke such harrowing and sometimes odd emotions. I don’t know why it was that song that made me cry. I’ve heard it one other time? Was it because of when I heard it the first time? The rainy/ thunderstorm filled night? It’s interesting to me, to think about this?
I need to now give my body some focus, it’s been a long day in this chair, and I can feel how eager my entire body is to move around!
“Any kind of understanding, scientific or not, depends on our language, on the communication of ideas.” [1] again, Heisenberg astounds me with his thinking and how important language is for our understanding! It’s truly amazing sometimes, when all the ideas we are working on come together!
Okay so this is wild. Up until this point, I didn’t think that you could contract your abs, and use your diaphragm at the same time. I thought they were mutually exclusive?! I just watched someone in a video while they were doing overhead shoulder presses, and when they were breathing in and out, their abdomen was still contracted?! What else am I believing about our bodies that is false/ untrue?
So what’s wild is all this shoulder, chest, pec, and lat work, is really lighting up my legs right now in supine! I’m laying here, and I finally was able to get my left shoulder and arm down on the floor above my head! This was a first! Idk why I’m so tight, but based on how my arms are right now, I’m beginning to suspect that I should not be very surprised.
I’m altogether shocked right now, with how intense the proprioception is in my legs, just about everywhere right now! Goodness, they are seriously feeling so much! Time for some rest!
8/20
Strength at the end range of motion = flexibility. I need to continue to explore this concept!
I’m, not… feeling well. This experience I just had earlier is absolutely demoralizing. To even have to speak about it makes me sick. My entire body right now is shaken up because of it. I am not happy right now.
So, got that cleared up. Time to move on to something different now for the day!
I had 3hrs of PT, OT, then gym with Ian today! Now I’m back up in the standing frame! Goodness today has been packed! I honestly really wonder sometimes about the idea of conservation of energy. That it can neither be created or destroyed. It makes me wonder and think about myself, the universe, and everything in between it. Really is such an interesting idea, and it’s also so interesting that without the use of language, we wouldn’t have any idea how to imagine or create this in our minds. Pretty cool, huh? So weird. I just know that with everything I’m learning, it only more seems to become that much crazier to me, when I try to think about it all. It really does.
I had the most interesting time today while at therapy! After I was done working on different ways to get in the chair from the floor, I got myself into position to get back in the chair in the more typical way I traditionally do it, with me over top my feet in a deep squat, and my legs were kicking in! So we capitalized on this and practiced working on these deep squats from the floor to chair! At the end range of motion!
Holy smokes, this last session in the standing frame has got my legs feeling more full than ever before at this time of night!? Is this what they need? Complete exhaustion? I did a lot for them today, probably the most in a while! They are really responding well, I’ll have to get them some extra rest!!
So I have been trying to keep my abdomen contracted literally, all day today! This has been surprising too, with how well I’ve been able to consciously do this! It’s been hard to consciously do something with my body all day, while also trying to do other tasks throughout the day. Not that I can’t do other things too, it’s just a bit more difficult!
I would really like to make a device, to be able to scan the spinal cord, in addition to the rest of the central nervous system. Seems like there might be something here?
8/21
Yeah, you ever have a night where you sit there wide awake and your left leg wants to be moving a lot and you can’t get comfortable so you know that trying to do that’s useless. Try to do anything else in the middle of the night besides sleep and you have a hard time getting out of bed, so what do you do? So so I just lay there with my eyes closed, and I try not to wake up. I dream of myself that I’m up right now and then my usual alarm time on my phone was going off underneath me in bed. I could hear the alarm going off just barely. I was all tangled up in the sheets and in not really in a great position to try to get out of bed. I’m looking in the mirror and these gotta be some of the biggest bags under my eyes. They’re huge. I’m curious what the watch says I got for sleep. so I’m laying there with my eyes closed. What I do try to do is just lay there still as I can and think. I usually try to do some mental visualization, and so this time I chose to do my morning run, which, I haven’t done this mental visualization in a while and to be honest, it is actually really nice. It’s weird I feel like I almost kinda got some sleep here at the end of the night. It’s pretty hard but I was trying that morning. Running that so many times with Max. I have a perfect image in my head with that entire 4 1/2 mile loop over there on the east side of Milwaukee. It is beautiful. I really like doing that because it was a really great time I had with Max and myself. It’s just weird. Trying not to make too big of a deal out of not getting any sleep. For an 8hr night I got 6hrs 20mins worth of sleep. It is what it is, I guess. Not much we can do about it now. I definitely still feel a bit more charged up. I fell asleep early last night. I needed that. So what’s also interesting is the last hour I was “asleep” it registered on my watch as REM sleep. But I very vividly remember being up, and doing my morning run.
So is this a “thing”? On days when you’re most utterly exhausted, are the days you make the most significant gains? Like blood flow restriction (BFR)? Because it almost sounded like this could be the case from the conversation I was having with Joni today?!
8/22
I may have had a pretty good realization last night. And it’s so weird, because I was doing quite the opposite from what my body might actually have needed. When I was getting up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, I actually may have just been dehydrated… so what’s interesting is almost every time I’ve gotten up to go pee, I always get a drink of water after?! Is this really all I needed? Were my legs spasming more because of dehydration? And not the urge to pee? Because it almost seems that way? I know I have a hard time getting thirsty, and I know that I’m usually needing more water, but how could I know for certain?
Today’s kinda an exciting day! I’m going to the massage therapist for the first time ever. I have never been to one, pre or post accident! He’s going to help me with visceral manipulation! Visceral manipulation, from what I’ve been reading, is the fascia between our organs. This area can store a lot of trauma from anything we experience, and I have a feeling mine is storing a ton of trauma from the accident. I really can feel the tightness in my lower left abdomen, especially! This should be interesting! Then, I’m going to try to get to Pilates afterwards, so let’s see how it goes! I’m excited for this!
Wow, I don’t think I’ve been this loose before! My hips and spine and legs are really moving great! As soon as I sat up from the table, I had to almost catch myself for a moment, because I was so loose! This is a great way to start out the Pilates session!
I’m really glad to have gotten moving at Pilates to wrap up the week! This was a good session and I am completely exhausted!
8/23
Okay so I actually slept through the night?! I didn’t wake up! I made sure to stop drinking water 2hrs before bed, and when I finally woke up this morning, my left leg wasn’t drenched in sweat also!?! This is amazing! I think yesterday was a really good day for hydration, movement, and getting my body to be comfortable in new and different ranges of motion! I need to continue to try to figure out how to get the massage session to last! I have a feeling it has to do with the fact I need to get my body comfortable, and feeling safe, in these end ranges of motion! What’s wild too is how relaxed my left hip flexor was while in supine yesterday after all the visceral and hip work! This was a good activity to try to incorporate into my healing and recovery routine, I’m just so busy, it’s going to be hard to try to fit it all in!
I’m always trying to get more rest. And it’s so hard in this body of mine. It’s so hard to try to participate in society, while also giving my body the time he needs to recoup from such a long week. It’s always playing catch up. It’s very difficult for me. Even now, as I wake up from a nap this afternoon, my left hip flexor and body is so antsy and ready to get moving! My body wants to go so bad. It’s insane. I’m constantly straddling my bodily needs, bodily maintenance, and trying to engage with society. It’s so hard sometimes to keep all these activities and aspects of my life moving at once. But I wake up and just try to keep moving? My toes right now feel cool, that’s kinda interesting?
My stomach and throat feel interesting today, almost like a big lump in the back. I hate waking up from either a nap or a night of sleep and just not feeling rested. It’s awful. It’s so hard. Ugh. I sigh. I try to keep moving. Because apparently that’s just what we do. We try to survive. My abdomen/ stomach/ GI tract has so much gas build up it’s insane. Probably best to use the bathroom and get in the standing frame. Then find dinner.
One of the hardest things for me is to stop talking about what I want to do, what I need, or what I want, and just doing it. Like just now. Got my body taken care of, and up in the standing frame. Check. Good. Done. It’s sometimes what I need to do, just get on with it all. A body in motion for me usually is a lot happier of one. So as long as I can keep moving, in almost any capacity and fashion, the better off I am.
You ever think it’s interesting how people can sometimes prioritize location over people? It’s an interesting phenomena I’m working through, seeing, and realizing. It’s quite interesting. Anyways.
My body needs to keep moving. Simple as that. Let’s try to do a little more of that before the end of today, I think it helps.
Made it to Vanguard! I love that place. Callie and I had a close call getting into the restaurant though, we are really lucky a kind stranger was walking by to step in and give us a hand. After dinner, we made our way back, but we decided to go the street route along the backways, so I avoided the sidewalk, much faster for me. That made for a better time. Then the hill! So turns out, I really wanted to move, like I was saying. And there is a decent hill, with a moderate grade (4%) going up Homer St behind the apartment building. I asked Callie, just let me do it, and cheer me on! It was quite the slog, especially at 10 o’clock at night, but I knew I needed to get my body to do this!
I then got in the standing frame for about half an hour – 45minutes! I just had a feeling I knew I needed to. To get my legs stretched out and active before I try to get into bed. It’s so weird now, I can feel more and more when my body needs to just get and move! I think this evening really helped with that! I just need to shut up, and keep my body moving. It’s really interesting too. The more I do, the more I feel myself needing to do. Which only reinforces the point of just getting up and getting a move on!
Works Cited
- Heisenberg, Werner. Physics & Philosophy: The Revolution in Modern Science. HarperPerennial, 2007.
The Astronaut on Earth 
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