6/15
I guess, days like this are bittersweet and very hard. There is so much my body needs, and it’s so hard. It’s so hard, mentally and physically. And I really need to keep moving. Today was a slower day for movement. I really don’t know what to say about that, except I know my body needs rest too sometimes. I just have the hardest time ever with days where I don’t move a lot. I wish I got in the pool.
My legs need to be straight, my knees need to be able to get into extension. All those muscles need to work together to get these movements coordinated!
I don’t know how this happens, but getting a couple weeks behind my blog posts seems so odd to me. I don’t understand how time slips by so fast, and without any regard. Having to be so busy is truly a very interesting place to be when you look back at the time, and see how significant of a gap it’s been between then and now. I’m not sure why this happens like this, but I guess I have just really been busy. I’m really working hard to get the exoskeleton, and things at work have been so busy too. I’m cooked. I’m going to need to be careful with how I manage all these weekends with so much to do in them. I guess I need to be careful, with what I’m eating and drinking. It’s hard. All the opportunities for “fun”, but really I want to be on my feet so bad. It’s not even funny.
Callie and I sat in the car, we held each other after we drove home, and I cried. “Keep Yourself Warm” came on, and when I had my eyes closed, I was just seeing myself and Callie holding one another, her head in my shoulder, as we were dancing on our feet, and me standing tall. I was spinning her, and leading her. All things I want so badly back in my life. My body can, and I feel how much more significant my legs feel with each passing day.
“I hear the music in my ears, my feet beneath me, on the floor. They’re moving to the beat of the song, pulling Callie and gently gliding across the floor, in a fluid and strong manner. My legs are following me with each step, and directing her and I exactly where I want us to go on the dance floor. They feel strong. With no resistance but the floor beneath me. I know how capable they are.
I feel them, wanting and keeping me pushing to continue to get them back where they need to be. They are powerful, and I know I can make this happen. Just one day at a time.”
This was all so hard, because when I have to slow down and think about it sometimes, it really does make me sad. It is all so bittersweet. But that’s why I’m working hard everyday. To regain as much of my life back and build a great one with the woman I love.
6/16
Okay when Therese was talking about “the crease” and I didn’t really think my legs were going to click and all of a sudden and get this idea over night?! Last night my legs and I were really getting connected. with how they should be moving along the crease! I’m pretty sure the time in the other chair yesterday was super helpful for all this! My legs are feeling fired up and ready to go right now, with my hip sockets really getting it!
I just purchased an in the doorway pull up bar, and some straps. I’m really excited to use them, because I think that doing pull ups, horizontal rows, and ab work in the pull up position is really going to help my body getting acclimatized to being vertical, and it will help me learn to support my legs and core in the vertical position, without support! I’m really thinking this is going to be a great next step! Plus, I’m thinking I’m going to get to use this to help me go from half kneeling, to upright, because I can reposition the pull up bar let’s say halfway up the doorframe, and when I’m kneeling, I get still grab on and pull myself up! Just like how an infant would pull themselves up from a half kneel! I’m not sure what it is, but I believe this “pulling up” as opposed to pushing down into a walker, is a more natural movement, and I think it’s activating my posterior chain way more! I need to look into this a little more! But I feel like I will slowly and slowly keep progressing and getting my body taller and taller!
6/17
Knowing how much of our brain is being externalised is really important. I think if we don’t think about how all the new gadgets and devices are being used in our lives, we can get trapped into allowing ourselves to be taken away, a bit. We really have to keep these ideas in check, because if we have too many areas of our life taken over or automated, where do we actually fall with ourselves? Who are we then? I really like writing as a way for us to externalize our thoughts, but too much connection on the internet and social medias seems to be maybe less than ideal? It’s interesting thinking about how connected we all are, but I still think it’s important for us to keep a part of ourselves, and give ourselves the time and space to work through issues, on our own.
You know, they don’t ever talk to you about how to handle a body that’s in an in-between state like mine. Of walking – not walking. Or how to manage all the actual muscles that are coming back, need constant care and development, and rest. I have to get so creative with how I implement movement. It’s crazy. Honestly right now in the standing frame my body is just activating so much on my right side, it’s insane. My back is active constantly throughout the day, as are my hips, outer/ upper glutes, and my abs are so out of whack, it’s not even funny. They’re trying to fire better each day, and I’m contracting them better each day, but it’s honestly just a lot. I realize the mental load for tacking on so many new voluntary muscle contractions can be a lot sometimes!
So, I’ve had this moment, thinking about sadness. Thinking about its connection and place in our world. I’m almost not even sure how I came about this set of information, if I’m being honest. I think it all started from me searching the word, “sadness” in Wikipedia. I love that encyclopedia of information! When I got down to the ‘Cultural Explorations’ section, my eyes went right to the section, as below:
“In The Lord of the Rings, sadness is distinguished from unhappiness,[35] to exemplify J. R. R. Tolkien’s preference for a sad, but settled determination, as opposed to what he saw as the shallower temptations of either despair or hope.” What’s wild is how I’ve never heard of anyone talk about sadness in this way, let alone despair or hope?! I got into wondering where he developed this idea from. I have the book, “The Road to Middle Earth” on order, where this idea is expanded upon. I guess when have you heard of anyone talk about sadness in a positive connotation? To me, this idea was really novel, and I would like to learn more.
Here’s some of the info that I turned up, it’s quite fascinating;
“This idea—that sadness is distinct from unhappiness, and that Tolkien preferred a sad but resolute determination over either despair or shallow hope—is one of the most profound emotional and moral undercurrents in The Lord of the Rings. It reflects Tolkien’s deeply Catholic worldview, his experience in war, and his philosophical commitment to what he called “eucatastrophe”—a sudden, joyous turn that comes through suffering, not in spite of it.
1. Sadness vs. Unhappiness:
Tolkien saw sadness not as something negative in itself, but as a natural and even noble response to the passing of things, to the weight of mortality, or to acts of great sacrifice. It is not despair, nor is it a denial of meaning—it can exist alongside joy, love, and beauty. Unhappiness, on the other hand, might reflect a deeper spiritual disorder—bitterness, resentment, or despair.
Think of the Elves, especially characters like Galadriel or Elrond. There is a sadness in their bearing, a sorrow tied to the passage of time and the loss of ancient beauty, but they are not unhappy. They still live with dignity, clarity, and strength.
“I will diminish, and go into the West, and remain Galadriel.”
– Galadriel’s refusal of the Ring
This is a moment of great sadness, and yet also a triumph of character.
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2. A Settled Determination:
Tolkien had a deep moral admiration for steadfastness, even when no victory seems likely. In many of his letters and essays (notably in Letters of J.R.R. Tolkien), he often critiques what he calls the “false hopes” of modernity—the idea that things will inevitably get better, that utopias can be built, or that human progress can solve all suffering.
Instead, Tolkien admired the heroism of persistence. This is why characters like Frodo, Sam, Faramir, and Aragorn are so central: they do not chase glory, and they don’t even expect to survive. But they do not yield.
“I am glad you are here with me. Here at the end of all things, Sam.”
– Frodo, in Mount Doom
This is not hopeful in the modern, optimistic sense—but it is not despair either. It is a clear-eyed, sorrowful courage, willing to walk into darkness for the sake of what is right.
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3. The Shallowness of Despair or Hope:
Tolkien distrusted both extremes:
• Despair he saw as a sin—the refusal to believe in the possibility of redemption, of grace, or of goodness in the world. In his Catholic view, despair is a kind of pride: deciding the world is beyond saving, or that one’s own suffering is the final word.
• But naive hope—believing things will work out simply because one wishes it—he also saw as sentimentality, which he disdained. He writes of this in his commentary on fairy tales, rejecting the idea that stories should always be consoling or happy.
Instead, Tolkien coined the term eucatastrophe:
“The eucatastrophic tale is the true form of fairy-tale, and its highest function.”
(On Fairy-Stories)
A eucatastrophe is a moment of grace, not inevitability. It comes only after sorrow, after sacrifice, and even then, it may come at great personal cost.
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4. Tolkien’s Personal View (from his letters):
In Letter #195 (to Father Robert Murray), Tolkien discusses how the “long defeat” is a recurring theme in his work. Even victories are often temporary, and all good things pass away in the world. But this is not cause for despair:
“I am a Christian, and indeed a Roman Catholic, so that I do not expect ‘history’ to be anything but a ‘long defeat’—though it contains (and in a legend may contain more clearly and movingly) some samples or glimpses of final victory.”
This is key. The sadness of Middle-earth is not meaningless. It is a refined sorrow that teaches endurance, humility, and reverence for what is good, even in the face of loss.
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Summary:
Tolkien preferred sorrowful resilience to despairing collapse or naive optimism. In his view, to grieve without giving up, to persist through darkness without demanding that the world reward you, is one of the highest virtues. His characters, especially the humble and un-heroic ones, embody this.
Tolkien’s sadness is beautiful, not bleak. It’s the sadness of standing at the end of an age, watching the twilight fall—but still choosing to sing.”
My legs right now, are feeling fuller than they have ever felt post-accident. It’s crazy. I’m just constantly trying to get my body more and more vertical, and it turns out, I actually am! I’m glad this setup at home is working! It’s almost like KNOULDERING round 2! I’m really glad it’s progressing!
6/18
Am I only feeling the tingling below my knees??! This is amazing! It’s really interesting to see how much more mass and engagement my legs have this morning. I’m really glad that I got done on the floor yesterday. Well, I shouldn’t even say yesterday, last night. Because I was cooked beat and tired. Callie thinks I’m leaking cerebral spinal fluid from the sinus surgery. I have no idea, but I’m definitely leaking stuff out of my nose which I know it’s not ideal. It doesn’t really remind me of having a stuffy nose, so I’m not really sure. Period period. My entire body is feeling so much more engaged.
So yeah, it’s really interesting how the tingling activation of my legs are almost inversely related to one another. I think it’s interesting how the tingling above my knees is so much less prevalent like it’s like not even there but below my knees? Yep it’s there. I just haven’t been able to get caught back up from this weekend. It’s really tough. I don’t know how I can avoid that in the future.
I really need to keep up my pull to stands and tall kneeling work! My lower legs are activating so much! My legs are feeling so full from today! I really proud of them!
6/19
What is it about self initiated movement? Why is it so important? It literally feels like my legs respond so much more and produce more movement if I initiate and do almost the entire movement, entirely myself. They response so much better that is and I don’t know why that is?
I’m sitting here right now And my legs feel so much different than they did yesterday morning? I did movements on Tuesday (the day before) completely by myself, and yesterday with PT. Sometimes I feel like I just never get enough sleep which, that might be true sometimes. I thought about this yesterday, ‘steadfastness’ and being consistent. There’s definitely something that I need to make sure that I am constantly doing for myself And that’s gonna hold true for this weekend as well. But it was interesting to feel how much more the self initiated movements helped the tingling subside, and at PT I only did tall sitting stuff?
my hips this past night were really active. my left hip in particular. I don’t know the cause, sometimes I had a quick thought about how maybe it was due to the fact that I didn’t crawl as much? But honestly, that might be true. I did a bunch of tall kneeling stuff at PT, I just didn’t move my legs as much. Hmm, maybe there is something also to that, the idea of movement as in translation movement? Also, what is it about writing out thoughts and ideas that is easier for me to process, as opposed to talking about them? I’ve noticed over these past 2 years how intrinsic it is for me to write. Write my ideas before I talk about them? What is that?
It was Callie’s birthday yesterday, and I took her to her favorite sub shop, chocolate factory, and we ate in the car in the rain, while listening to our playlist, while “An Otherwise Disappointing Life” came on. It was honestly really sweet and yet also heartbreaking. I love her so much. I Cried hard yesterday in the car. I was thinking about how important Callie is to me. How much I love her. There is a strange coincidence of timing of the song we were listening to, and the thought and reading excerpt from Tolkien. It’s just so odd how sadness plays a role in our lives. I told Callie I am going to be working hard every day, and will do everything in my power to be there for her. I promised that to her. I love her so dearly, she has stuck with me through the bitter ends that I’ve been through, and she’s helped me so much. I cannot imagine having to do this without her.
Wait! YES! I was sitting here, and literally kicked my right leg forward with no hand help here on the toilet to reposition my leg!!!! That was amazing!
We made it to Michigan! This trip took longer than expected, but here we are! I love being able to spend time with the family, and I’m glad we made it safe!
6/20
Well I got on the floor for quite a bit! Spent some time with Julia on the floor, and observing her! It was really great to see everyone after we got over to Michigan! It was nice everyone took time out of their days to come over and do some visits with us! So much driving really takes it out of you!
I cut the grass today! This was wild, because I wasn’t sure how it was going to go, how well I was going to hold myself up, and how stable I was going to be! Turns out I cut the whole 2 acre yard! It was wild, how being on the mower really took me back. I could see the yard the same way that it was 10+ years ago, the trees, the sheds, how the yard has been changed so drastically over the years. It was honestly really cool, being able to have done that, and take some time out of my busy schedule to actually help out too.
6/21
So, this morning, I got up to use the bathroom, and made my way back to bed, because I know some of my best sleep is after I get to relieve myself in the morning. And I believe that was true this morning as well. I really need to make sure I get some rest! I fell asleep so without even a thought a 7:30 yesterday before Paul came over, so I got a quick half an hour of rest! But holy smokes was I tired!
I need to be mindful of my body today. I have to make sure that I’m taking care of him, because there really are so many distractions for me throughout the day, it’s really a hard time sometimes.
I am feeling so much! What’s interesting, is how my legs and hips are responding after that grass cutting session! Honestly it was like a vibration plate, core workout, leg stabilizing workout all in one! Which was really great! My legs too, are not enjoying laying on one side for too long in bed, my body is getting better and better at letting me know when I need to reposition! It’s interesting, I need to almost think of it like I am, rebuilding my autonomic responses.
We had a great time at John’s bachelor party! We stayed up too late, had lots of fun conversations, saw a lot of folks, and had a blast! I hope John had fun!! He’s come such a long way, with him and Jill, and now Julia! They are building quite the beautiful life together, I love watching it unfold! We had a great time, let’s see how everyone is going to be feeling tomorrow morning!
The Astronaut on Earth 
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