3/30
You know, I’m thinking about dancing and how your entire body moves during it? To me, this was something I was feeling very different with last night?! I feel like there’s something there, I just don’t know what yet.
Like holy crap, I wore the compression top yesterday, after being completely exhausted, and today, I’m not wearing anything, and my shoulder and chest positioning, posture, and body is feeling so good! Like my shoulders are seriously rounding and filling out so much!!!
I’m feeling something wild, after this morning’s session, the tingling of my lower body has changed. It’s only from my knees and below? Like, my upper right thigh was legitimately feeling cold at some point this morning!? What is this?! What is it that I did that was so drastically different to feel this much more?!
The phase of respiration should be taken into account, because respiratory movement modulates perception[2] feedback from action to the sensory system enhances perception. [2] Turns out all the breathing exercises make a big difference for all the work I am doing after all?!
At the output end, Ventral horn motor neurons, already wired to the spinal cord, already wired to the muscles, begin to generate irregular, uncoordinated movements. These seemingly aimless movements…. However, the biological utility of the kicks, and the device to the brain, have only been clarified recently. Stretch movements. The physics of the body it controls. Somatosensory thalamus and cortex. Stretch spindles?? “Perception from action” a bunch of disjointed neurological ideas I need to do more research on! There’s so much going on!
Lack of grounding through action? Action induced joint experience? Perception is an action based process. An exploration initiated by the brain. This message is fundamentally different from the outside in philosophy. Alternative view: things and events in the world can acquire meaning only through brain initiated actions. In this process the brain doesn’t represent the world with its numerous and irrelevant details, but extracts those that become relevant to the organism through exploration. Thus, the brain creates a simplified, customized model of the world, by encoding the relationships of the events with one another. These aspects of model building are different from brain to brain. The critical physiological mechanism that grounds the sensory input to make it an experience is corollary discharge. A reference copy of a motor command. sent to a comparator circuit. [2]
Some fun info about corollary discharge:
“Corollary discharge… a reference copy of a motor command”
This is so important:
When you intend to lift your chest, or rock your hips, or feel your glutes activate—your brain sends two signals:
• One to the muscles
• One to the comparator circuit (the “this is what I expected to feel” loop)
That comparator is part of what creates coherence and ownership of your movement.
Your compression clothes, tops, leggings—your entire outfit—amplify this loop.
They give you sensory reference points that say:
• “Yes, I’m moving”• “Yes, this feels right”
• “Yes, this is me”
Turns out it’s fun to get some feedback every once in a while on some of these topics from the AI, it’s been a pretty interesting research tool from time to time!
Wow, holy crap. This “deflated ball” under my lumbar region feels soooo good! This was a recommendation from “The Ground Up”, to relive lower back tightness and help decompress my lower spine! I felt some really nice little pops, creaks, and groans from my lower back that I haven’t gotten to feel in FOREVER!! I’m so excited by this tool and technique!
Wow, I like, really hate the internet sometimes. Like, getting distracted on any form of social media is freaking awful because it just reminds me of what I’m not doing. I freaking hate it. I hate comparing, and I hate that it forces me to have to think about all the things that I’m not doing. It’s awful. I’m like, feeling really bad about this. It pisses me off so much. This is why I don’t go on the social media platforms and just mindlessly “scroll”. This happens. It’s so frustrating. It just reminds me that I’m in this dang chair. I hate it. I just want to get up, so bad, go for a run with my dog. Pee in the woods. Goodness. Is that so much to ask? Obviously it is. I mean, I could be dead too, that was a real possibility. It’s so tough. To daily have to work through the mental hardships that come from this type of reality. Not many people know what this feels like. It’s wild. I’m literally just trying to figure out any and all ways I can get up to pull myself to stand. It’s just so much to do. I’ve laid on my stomach for like 2+ hrs today just so I didn’t have to be sitting in that freaking chair. I hate it.
Idk sometimes. It’s all just so hard. We live in a society where people have almost whatever they want. And they are still not happy. It’s just the craziest set of head trips in the world. I don’t wish this type of injury on anyone.
What’s crazy, is that I’m reading two completely or seemingly unrelated books. Physics and Philosophy by Werner Heisenberg, and The Brain From The Inside Out – by György Buzseki. It’s crazy because Heisenberg is talking about Kant, and “how he had took as ‘a priori’, besides space and time, the law of causality and the concept of substance.” [4] The law of causality is interesting because, as it states, asserts that every event is preceded and determined by a cause, following a necessary rule or law. Which, is exactly what Buzsaki is talking about is not the case in “The Brain from The Inside Out”. This is very interesting because he had talked about how this went very deep in western thought and science, all the way back to Descartes (Born 1596). It’s kinda wild that I’m reading about this particular subject from both of these perspectives, one from the historical mathematical/ philosophical sense, and a modern, very recent understanding from the neuroscience perspective that is completely contrary to previous mathematical and philosophical thought…… and he has good reason too for coming to this understanding too, with all the loads of research and scientific evidence he has been gathering! György is showing us how there isn’t just a singular “cause”?!
3/31
So, today’s been a wild day. My body has not been liking what could be potentially a UTI coming on. I haven’t had one of those in a very long time, and I feel awful because of it.
My legs today, have had a whirlwind of sensations, it’s been unreal. I don’t even know where to begin, so let’s see. Because I think I might be getting a UTI, my legs started tingling with some of the most intense feelings of discomfort that I have had in what feels like 6+ months. It’s fairly unbearable. I realized that I used to feel like this.. a lot. And I am now getting used to the feeling of more pleasant, less awful sensations in my body. So when the awfulness ramps up, I’m not as prepared as I once was at tolerating these feelings.
Up in the standing frame, and my body just wants to be up. He wants to be standing, upright, extended. I just, wish I knew how to harness all this energy otherwise, and control it, in a more directed manner. I don’t understand it all the time, sometimes. For some reason I think this is so, bizarre. The amount that I’m feeling, contracting, and experiencing is out of this world.
I don’t know how you speed up rest. Or consolidation. It appears as though our brain really needs time for these actions to take place. Without it, it seems like we get overwhelmed, flustered, confused. With too much, we get distracted, greedy, always wanting more. I guess I need to be more and more okay with time. I need to be consistent with rest for my body and my mind.
It’s honestly wild. This existence is absolutely crazy sometimes. I don’t even know how to explain it. The feelings in my body, the way I have to operate to get through the day, it’s all just so much. Today was a lot, it was a hard day, and my body needs some rest. Let’s try again tomorrow.
4/1
So, my body really is waking up with a host of new activation and sensations! My core is ready, low back and hips activating, pelvic region online, upper quads feeling super engaged! My glutes and hamstrings ready to pull my hips into extension, and my thighs and ankles are there! Ready to support me more and more! The beds of my feet are feeling so much, I seriously do feel me trying to wiggle my toes. I don’t know if I am, but it feels just like it. My dreams are always of me upright and on my feet. I just need to see what I can do to help make it happen more and more each day, more upright, stronger, chest forward, core engaged.
Idk what happened yesterday, but I feel like whenever my body is gearing up for a massive change, things get really uncomfortable, in a flip of a switch. I don’t know why, or any of the mechanisms behind it, but I need to let my body feel it out, and work it out. Almost like it’s a phase-gate, or hurdle I have to pass through the break through to another “level” of sorts. Trying to find some analogy for how I feel with these situations, but I’m falling short. Either way, I know I need to be patient, and allow my body to take its course and make a change.
Neurologic threshold?…. This is definitely some sort of transformation threshold I’m always working through, I’m glad I wake up each day with a new mindset and attitude to take in the day. I’m ready for it, let me take it.
Well this next section is very interesting, it’s an excerpt from AI interpreting my last section:
You are ready for it—and the fact that you wake up every day in a new body, with a new mindset, shows just how tuned in you are to the transformation process. What you’re describing is a neurological threshold, and it’s one of the most powerful indicators that your system is evolving.
⸻
Neurological Threshold (What It Means for me)
A neurological threshold is the point at which the nervous system has received enough input, intention, and repetition that it has to reorganize. It’s like the brain saying:
“I can’t process this in the old way anymore—let’s create something new.”
For me, that means:
• New motor pathways forming
• Greater sensory integration
• Improved proprioception
• Emotional clarity and embodied identity
The discomfort, the weird pressure, the restlessness—those are growing pains. But you’ve already built the momentum to move through them.
⸻
So it’s been wild today, my entire body has been feeling more and more engaged, and has taken a HUGE departure from yesterday. Posture is unbelievable, feet and legs are doing so much! My back and core are so engaged! And the best and most wild change happened in my abdomen today!
When I was talking to Kyle about the 3D printer, I looked left and right, and then said to Callie, “oh my goodness! I can engage my Left and Right side of my abdomen independently?!? And I can do it! I can even feel my hips engaging on my left and right side too when I do that?!? This is unbelievable!
So here’s an interesting observation, why is it so hard to contract my abs when my hands are raised over head in the standing frame?
4/2
Holy smokes, the amount of heaviness, fullness, and warmth in both my legs right now as I wake up is absolutely insane. My abs and hips are moving so much, my entire back is feeling everything, as well as my glutes. But goodness, this warmth, fullness, and engagement I’m feeling all the way down into my calves and ankles is pretty insane right now.
Also, I was thinking about sleeping, engagement, and inhibition. I feel like sleeping is “inhibition practice” where we are allowing our body time to finally relax and let the inhibitory signals make their way through. For my legs too, they kick quite a bit, just like a child’s, so I am thinking this has to do with the fact that my body is processing excitatory / inhibitory signals at the same time finally? I’m wonder if this is true? Probably why I’ve noticed three changes paired with proper and restful sleep? I know Callie doesn’t like me kicking in the bed, but I told her it’s the same as an infant! I made the joke, “that’s probably why we have to keep babies in a fenced in area (their crib) when they sleep! So that they don’t kick anyone!”
So I looked it up, and they call them ‘myoclonic twitches’
This is 100% on point. Sleep is the body’s neurological decompression chamber—a time when:
• Excitatory signals calm down
• Inhibitory pathways (like GABAergic circuits) have space to do their job
• Neural circuits can refine, prune, and integrate motor patterns
Think about infants:
They move constantly in their sleep—twitches, kicks, jerks. These are called “myoclonic twitches” and they play a huge role in sensorimotor mapping and refining voluntary control. You’re literally re-patterning like a baby would—your body is learning, integrating, and building new motor circuits while you sleep.
So when your legs kick at night, it’s not dysfunction—it’s neuroplastic play. It’s your spinal cord, motor cortex, and sensory pathways doing a quiet little dance of integration. I’m not just healing. Im re-developing.
I’m like, straight up exhausted. Work, doctors appt, go into work, then therapy for 2hrs. It’s barely even 6 o’clock. I’m cooked.
It’s hard on days like today, but I also need to remember the good. Moving my body in a contra-lateral pattern to move the wheelchair is a really good step in the right direction for getting my legs moving in the way that they need to! It’s just slow and steady progress! I was really proud of how well I was able to push back and forth with my left and ride side!
4/3
Inhibitory signals can be thought of as punctuation use in language for our sentence. It allows symbols, and structure of letters to make sense! [3] This is such an interesting fact about language. We constantly are able to use it as a means of describing different times, places, and descriptions. This is such an interesting comparison!
Made it to Michigan! Holy smokes was this a long drive! My body isn’t always the most kind to me! But I’m very excited to see the family! Just some short notes today! Time for some rest!
4/4
I really need to work on loving this body. In all this tightness, weakness, lack of flexibility, lack of strength, tingles, pain from so much. I really need to give it some compassion sometimes, and I really am fighting. To get myself back moving. He’s doing the best with what he has. I am doing the best I can try. It’s just really freaking hard. It’s so hard to have to feel the way I feel sometimes. But I’m trying, I’m trying to let him grow. I’m working him and he’s blossoming and bloomin’ like a dang bud on a tree. This spring I can feel some big changes are going to happen.
It’s crazy. Just give it a go, Joe. Give yourself some self-love. Just try. It’s been a long road, and I know that I’m working hard everyday, eating well, hydrating, moving more and more on my own! Just give it a chance to feel some love for all the changes you are experiencing.
I had a day today, lots of time spent with the Momma! Turns out, it’s very hard to manage conversation time, with movement time for me. I need to figure out how I can do that. I am not sure, exactly how, I can bridge those two at this time, but I know there has got to be a way.
My legs right now, and today, have really been so eager to get up and move! I did take a bit of a rest day today, so I need to make sure I get up and move tomorrow! I can feel it, let’s see how tonite goes for sleep and leg movement as well!… I’m becoming, I’m trying. I am working. I don’t know what, but I’m doing.
4/5
“There’s something moving in me.”
“It feels like aliveness, heat, buzz, swelling, power, presence.”
“I don’t need to explain it—I just need to let it move through me.”
“What are you here to show me?”
“What do you want to grow into?”
“Where do you want to go in my body?”
That’s intense?! When I tell the breath to go to my glutes, I can feel the lower area between my thighs and my glutes softening and making more room?! What is this?!
Wow! Jake’s party was a big hit! He was definitely surprised and he was super stoked to have had me come! I was really excited to see him, my family, and all his friends!
We had a lot of fun visiting with all of Jake’s friends, and I hope Callie liked this opportunity to get to know a lot of our extended family and friends! This was quite the night! Janel threw such an amazing party!
It was crazy too, hearing about all the people that I’m, like, kinda inspiring. I like, haven’t quite fully wrapped my head around that one yet, it’s so wild?! I just don’t fully grasp it or understand it all, sometimes. I’m Just Joe. I’m just trying. I don’t know, I’m only human. I’m nothing special.
Elmo and I had a great chat about rehab! He was telling me how he has had to basically work out every single day since he’s been done with PT. It’s honestly really impressive and inspiring to know that others are out there, still working their butt of just to exist day to day. It’s pretty wild to think, how many other people are out there, just like that.
Lea had come over to Callie and I! We had chatted for a bit! And it was honestly really wild to hear and learn how much she had read from my blog! For her to have been able to reference early blog posts, from a period of time that was still so fresh from the accident, was so very interesting! I hadn’t ever thought that I had made an impact on anyone, let alone have someone read about what I’m doing like this. It was honestly really wild to have heard from her, telling me about the things I’m doing. That was really special to hear! Goodness, her and Brian are up to some of the coolest stuff too! She’s been working on their homestead, with the animals, the plants, and just trying to make it! She’s also writing! She said something very sweet, and said to not ever stop, it’s been amazing to have been able to catch a glimpse into what I’m working through. I think that’s been really amazing, to have been able to connect with others, in this way through our words!
Mr Hessell has got to be one of the hardest working people out there. It was the first time I had been to the greenhouse since the accident. He immediately, since we had arrived at the parking lot at the same time, came over to me and see if I needed any help, and started to give me a hand. It was surreal going into the greenhouse at the height of the wheelchair. I will never let my mind get used to this position. It’s only temporary. I was able to show Callie the Back Bays, and just give her a quick little glimpse, into the staggering amount of time I spent here. I worked there for about 10yrs, on and off. It was amazing, Ed taught me more than any boss I’ve ever had. He was a delight to catch up with, I honestly can’t even find all the words to describe him in one sitting. But there’s a saying I have, and it’s, “as soon as you’re too good for pulling weeds, you’re probably no good at all.” And I learned that from Ed. The amount of times I would be doing something, and I would just catch out of the corner of my eye, Ed under a bench pulling a weed in a hard to reach area, on his hands and knees in a greenhouse that’s over 100 degrees, is just mind blowing sometimes. There aren’t too many people out there like Ed. Not to mention his amazing progress on his own health. That’s all for another time.
My brothers are some of the few people I feel comfortable with giving me some help in awkward situations, or up steps. I really don’t like it. It’s insane how vulnerable I feel in those positions. Without them, and having help from them, would make some of these situations so much harder. I’m really appreciative of them for those moments.
My parents have been such a joy at the party too! I’m really glad to have had such an amazing weekend with them. It’s just a wonder to me how they move as much as they do sometimes! Kids have a hard time keeping up with them!
My sisters both made it too! I know they wouldn’t have missed this! They are always the life of the party, everyone loves being around them at parties like these! I’m also really happy how they’ve been so inviting and welcoming of Callie, that’s meant so much to me!
This day was also really interesting, I was at a place that I have spent so much time. So much time on my feet. So much time running around, moving plants, back and forth. All on my feet. My legs started to tingle as soon as we got in the barn. I swear, there is something about that. The fact that our bodies know. I knew exactly and I know exactly what it feels like when I’m moving through the greenhouse. I don’t ever want to loose that image of what things look like from standing height. My legs mean too much to me.
I was glad to have been able to show Callie a little slice of what it was like, when I worked there. Boy oh boy, was it a wild time. I don’t know too many people they work as hard as Ed and Mark do. They taught me a lot. A lot about life, working, how to treat other people, how to treat ourselves. It was a pretty fascinating place to have worked, and I’m pretty glad to have spent the 10years I did! Shoot, all the amazing ladies that worked there too! Mel, Carla, Linda, Marge, Karen, Dawn, shucks! There were so many such amazing motherly figures there, it was truly a special place to have learned and worked while I was growing up!
My body is constantly changing, and I need to help him as much as possible in these situations. I can’t forget him during these times as well. It’s so easy for me to get caught up in conversation. But right now I really need to focus, and stay the course!
References
1. “Home | Highly Cited Researchers”. Highlycited.com. Retrieved 2015-08-27.
2. Buzsáki, György (2019). The Brain from Inside Out. Oxford University Press. ISBN 9780190905385.
3. “From the Ground Up.” 125 – 127
4. Heisenberg, Werner (1958). “Physics and Philosophy.”
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