11/24
I’m feeling so much engagement in my body. Right now though, i would really like them all to relax. I’m finally laying on my tum, and my hip flexors and hamstrings gotta chill out. They can relax now.
Finally got in the standing frame, and my legs really needed that. They really needed to be stretched out. More and more I need them to get used to that position! I was doing some arm “jumping jacks” to get my body more comfortable in this position as well, those were interesting!
I’m noticing too, that this isn’t just muscle “tone”. It’s my muscles coming back. Albeit very slowly. I’m working on with each movement of arms out stretched, reaching to grab something, to not use my other hand to hold me up, but also to push through my feet, balance, and hold myself up. It’s been going really well, and I feel my right quad engaging more than my left, but they’re both going! I’m really noticing my abdomen engaging more and more when I’m out moving around too! Which is great!
It’s also interesting, I think a lot about how there are situations in our lives that we have absolutely no control over. At least it doesn’t feel that way. Yes, we make decisions each day that affect the next, but still then, some things are out of our control. It’s really strange, to have to think that such significant changes can occur because of situations that you have such little control over. It’s hard. It just makes me think.
I’ve been thinking about the world, how significant my life changed, and how it can happen to any one of us. My giant shift in perspective is surreal. I couldn’t even fathom having done this, the things I’m doing, what I am working on, or where I am today. It all just feels like the craziest dream in existence.
It’s so hard sometimes, and I don’t know how to make sense of it all. It really is a crazy time, and a crazy time to be alive.
I really am noticing more and more how the “tightness” I am always am talking about, is my muscles natural inclination to want to be used. I think that’s just an intrinsic part of our body and muscles? More to learn on this!
11/25
So this was a great day. I was able to use my legs more and more, and it felt great! Therapy was only an hour, but I got on the ground, and was really doing some great tall kneeling exercises today!! It felt amazing! And then, to top it all off, these were some of my best sit to stands to date! I honestly felt like my hip flexors relaxed so much, that I was going to fall backward! I felt so relaxed through my mid section, I was doing the best cat-cow stretches I have done with these silly rods in me!
Made it to the gym, and ended up doing some great workouts in between helping Callie. I am really proud of the 45lb bent over rows! I’m exhausted. I’m trying to take notes right now, and I’m wiped out.
Relax. I’m working on getting my left hip flexor to relax. He’s really trying to go right now, and I know that I’m tired. This isn’t the time for him to be working right now. Okay, he’s relaxing. It definitely takes some time. Slowly with relaxed breathing my abdomen, obliques, hip flexors are all slowly relaxing a bit. They definitely are tight.
11/26
Every day I wake up, and every day my legs are filling out. My toes are feeling so different, the beds of my feet feel like they are in a warm squishy sand mixture, and my shins and calves are also filling out! What’s interesting is how stable they were on my bathroom trip last night. Knees are feeling so much. And then my thighs, quads are closing in, reconnecting, growing, and doing so much more! I legitimately think everything I’m doing throughout the day has really been helping! Then my outer thighs are reconnecting and filling in. My hip flexors are relaxing, and my abdomen is as well! My glutes I can feel where I’m laying on them, poor guys. Always getting the most seat time throughout the day. My abdomen is able to expand significantly from my lower abdomen now! Good thing I was doing those two handed shrugs with 25lbs last night! Those were interesting because I was required to lower them down on each side, engaging my side core. Those went really well!
My low back, it’s trying so hard, he’s just caught between a rock and a hard place. Unfortunately they don’t get the range they used to, but they are working so hard! I’m always thinking of ways to adapt my motion throughout the day to help them out as well. My breaths are seriously filling out so much. Hamstrings are relaxing. All this prone work, tall kneeling work at therapy and home is making such a significant difference!! Will have to get a hand at home this week to do some of that!
Better get up, and get ready for the day. It’s always interesting to see what the day brings. Every day is a challenge, and every day I’m trying. One day at a time.
I heard Country Roads, Take Me Home just a bit ago. It made me cry. It made me think about home. I don’t know why I seem to be so emotional these days, but music really seems to help let it all go. I just feel so much, and I guess this carries over to music as well.
I notice too, how my mind wanders when I’m alone, it seems to be a really interesting phenomenon? Not sure what to make of this?
Also, on the toilet, feet on the floor, and I’m leaning over and pushing myself up with no hands!! These legs are going!
I also know how important it is for me to talk out loud, and about the people and things I love. This seems to be such a relevant idea for my recovery. Without all of my documentation, this would all be so hard for me to keep track of!
11/27
Wow, so many spasms and so many feelings. My legs are really activating!!! Now to work on the control!
We finally made it to my folks! I drove the whole way! This really wasn’t a bad drive at all! And we made it in a good amount of time!
Okay, so silly putty is great. So great, that I was able to help keep my three nephews entertained by playing a game of monkey in the middle, or pickle in the middle with them! They were really fascinated with how dang hard they could bounce it! We had a lot of fun playing around with it, man oh man is it fun seeing these guys play!
11/28
My legs are feeling more and more full each day! What’s also really cool is how my right side of my abdomen is really feeling so much! The area under the lobectomy in the past couple days has been waking up!
This great Thanksgiving day turned into a horrific night, full of trips out to the bathroom…. This was unexpected and a twist of events completely unexpected. I hope nearly have no idea what it was that I could have ate! Most probably is from the multitudes of food consumed in a few days period. There were a lot.
I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. This was not good. Just a lot of chaos later into the night. I was not expecting this. All this food really messed me up. I don’t know if it was any one food in particular, but it was not a super pleasant time. I do not want my thanksgiving to end like this next year, oof.
It’s a rough night when your this burnt out and whooped, you have to shower as well. That’s when you know it’s bad.
11/29
So my toes are cool? My legs are feeling more and more engaged every morning! I’m contracting my quads when I want to, my glutes when I want to, my hamstrings? Kinda. And then my calves! I really feel like they’ve stepped up yesterday as well!
So while I was in my broken state last night, I was talking to Schmüle. We talked about all the things going on in both our lives. I also had a really hard time wanting to look at anyone as well. It’s tough when I come home, I’m doing so well, and these are some of the toughest moments I have, when I’m back here traveling. And it’s unfortunate that is what they get to see. So we were talking about the process. About enjoying it while I’m on my journey back walking. And at the time it was a really hard thing to hear. But at the same time, I think it was the right thing, and what I needed to hear.
Do I or do I not believe in myself to get back walking? Well, I’m working everyday to get back to it. I’m trying new things for my legs, new situations, and always thinking about how they feel. Do I believe in getting myself back walking? I have to. I need to. I do! I really do! It’s hard. This is so hard. But I wouldn’t have gotten my legs this far if I hadn’t. Also, I wouldn’t be continuing to get them to progress if I didn’t. The future was unclear. No one told me I was or was not going to get back walking. I did actually have therapists who did tell me I was! I just didn’t have any doctors who could tell me one way or the other.
I think this question, is something I need to revisit and remind myself of often. I do believe in getting myself back walking. I believe in myself. I know that this is the hardest project I will ever work on. I also know that there will be ups and downs (like last night) along the way. How do I remember this idea? How do I still laugh?
How do I make light of shitty situations? Especially when I’m cleaning up myself after a rough night on the porcelain crown? How do I do that?
Without a goal in mind, it is hard to keep yourself “on track”, so of course you are going to make mistakes. I think this is precisely where I am. This is what I need to be thinking about. Getting good rest, working out, eating right, integrating more and more techniques and movements for my legs. Getting myself in uncomfortable positions. Think about this. This is important. Keep these things in mind.
My legs really needed that nap today. I sure was tuckered out today. It was a much needed 3hr nap.
11/30
Edison’s “I have not failed 10,000 times—I’ve successfully found 10,000 ways that will not work” is an idea I have been finding all too relevant these days. Without trying and attempting a task, situation, creation, we really have no idea how it will turn out. Good or bad. It’s reframing that question in your head, putting a twist on your own words, so you understand yourself better! This is one of the most important tools we can give ourselves. Being more compassionate with ourselves, we give ourselves hope. To try again another day. Without that, it’s hard to make progress.
Each day we have an opportunity, to wake up, and try. Each day. This is a gift we give ourselves every day. I know I am doing that. I’m trying. I really am. It’s tough. I’m being honest and hopeful.
The exercises and activities I do throughout the day are not always full, or complete movements. But I have to start somewhere! So even any improvement in range of motion, is a huge improvement from the day before! Phew. One day. One day at a time. We can only do some much in a day, time for some rest.
The Astronaut on Earth 
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