10/20
You know how when you want to wake up, and try to lay in the bed for a bit, and just talk to your significant other? Yeah, nope. I shouldn’t have done that. I ended up with too full of a bladder, and piss all over my pants and bed. My nether-regions have been suffering this past week or so from all the “accidents”. From therapy, the gym, this morning. Great. I’m just ecstatic right now. Really flippin happy to have to deal with this. It’s hard enough. But then to deal with this whole potential skin issue.
Trying to summarize an issue into a paragraph sometimes feels difficult. Why is that? Trying to find the words of frustration is always difficult, and it’s always a wonder how it ends up working in the end. I’m just always thinking about this writing, and how it affects me. It’s really been an interesting thought experiment I’m doing on myself, I guess.
I’m glad I’m on the floor right now. This morning has been not so great. Having to just stack up and pile on all these issues I have to deal with gets very overwhelming. Not fun.
I’m feeling though, so much through my legs. The straps from the knee pads, I am very aware of! I’m also doing some resistance band exercises for my shoulders while I’m down here, and those are going well, as well. Step by step. Crawl by crawl. I’m gaining on it. I’m not going to give up on these legs, even if it’s the last thing I do. They’ve really been there for me in the past, and they mean the world to me.
Just thinking about how much I want to accomplish in life, and how much I want to do on these two feet, helps keep me going every day. Because when I have days with all of this nonsense, it can be really overwhelming. Let’s work these legs right now till they’re exhausted. They want to move more and more, and let’s help them get there!
Made it back home. 8:31pm. Standing frame. And boy are my legs really ready to stand and get up! I really need to make sure I’m readjusting myself after I’m in the standing frame. I’m really beginning to notice the small nuances in my legs position when I’m up, and how it’s not right sometimes. Just now, I was feeling how I was all crooked and sideways. Sure enough, when I started to lower myself down, my whole body, legs, everything was rotated to my right. Which, isn’t great if I’m trying to at a there for a prolonged period of time.
I’m doing some focused breathing, and working through the tightness in my abdomen. I’m trying to stay away from simply calling it “tightness” because I think that there is more going on here. Its engagement. It’s my legs turning on. I just can’t shut them off. And I think if I try to focus in more on coordinating these efforts, the turn on/ shut off, I could really make some progress?
I’m really feeling my low back and glutes right now! My quads, and gastroc’s are really also feeling it! My arms right now are sweating?! Both are?! Huh, not sure what to make of this yet!
It’s really hard getting sad. I know how hard it is for me, and for the people around me. What’s really interesting is taking some time right now to acknowledge this, because I hope, that with all these efforts, I can hopefully make a dent in how I am when I’m sad. Lately, I just have been having a hard time with my progress. It’s a hard place to be, with an unknown path, and a known destination. I know how badly I want and am working to get back on my feet, but there is so many unknowns.
I haven’t really given myself a chance to think about this, because I’ve been so busy with everything else lately. By not giving myself this time to think about what I’m doing, it’s really easy to fall in our old ways, not reflect back on this past week, and make adjustments. The sadness I really do think it comes from “not doing”. That “not doing” in my life right now is working on my body, and thinking and planning out the future. I have things that need to be done, and I need to keep up with it!
I know how sad I get from not moving and using my body. Sometimes it’s as simple as not moving around for a couple hours! I know I can slip in time with the standing frame, the floor, the gym, etc. I should even incorporate the walker and braces again, just the salience if doing all these things I think is going to have some wonderful effects!
Wow, I feel like with my abdomen and lower back control, I can almost make a “wave” with my abs! 101,044. Those are the published words I’ve gotten so far. Seems crazy to think.
10/21
So, todays been a good day so far. I’ve gotten in the standing frame twice, to therapy, the FES bike, and to the gym all before 6PM. It’s been a day!
Implicit learning, this was an interesting topic that Charles brought up! I’m really interested to learn more about this! He mentioned how this was when you learn something without conscious awareness or intentional effort. I think this idea is cool, because as we discussed, I think that the Trike and the crawling have been great examples of this!
Therapy! FES bike, Charles conversation, working with Ashley, tall standing updates! I was able to get in the parallel bars after the session on the treadmill, and I was able to hold myself up with no hip support for almost 30 seconds! That was incredible! I’ve never done any standing exercises before when the therapist was able to let the hip strap go, and my torso was held up by none other than me! Let’s see what I can do with this on Wednesday!
It feels really good being at the gym right now! And my body is so stable with the movements! My right lat and area where the lobectomy is, is feeling so much better! The feelings through my toes is incredibly different. I’m feeling a “Woosh” and a sense of sloshing water in them? It’s interesting, and it’s definitely not tingling. Although they do tingle, it’s at specific times.
What’s really interesting is how cable face pulls got my heart rate up to 140bpm? It’s interesting, because this very much isn’t a cardio workout? Okay 150? Huh. I mean, it was the lightest weight I could have used too? My body is really trying!
Today was cool. I really am feeling my quads and glutes coming back with so much steam! They are really trying! I can feel it! Ow! Shoot! Yep, that’s my back, along where my scar is at. It’s weird, I’ve never really felt that area before! Hmm I’ll have to try and let the area experience what it is, so I can feel more later!
10/22
Electrolytes in The morning? Yes please! I changed things up by adding some electrolytes to my water bottle first thing in the morning, and drinking most of it. This turned out to be a great idea, because it truly did help me feel much more relaxed, and my legs in control more so than previously before!
So, at the gym. Doing chest workouts, and my abdomen is really firing up today! My legs are firing so dang much right now! Honestly, it’s my whole body who’s working so hard! I’m really noticing how much they are activating while doing some different variations on the cable machine with my chest workouts. Just a little bit of variation each time, really helps!
I’ve kinda just realized/ just had this realization how little I like to ask for help. And how that hasn’t changed even in this state of having to be in this chair at the moment. It’s tough. It’s hard to ask for help. But asking for the right help allows us all to be more capable human beings. If you are struggling through a math problem, instead of asking for the answer, trying the problem first, figuring out what you know and don’t know, and then asking for more specific help, allows us to truly learn. If we don’t ever try, fail, and ask for help for what we did, we may never know what we are truly capable of.
I’m so tired right now. You could say, I’m exhausted. I really want to just get some good rest. My legs are feeling pooped! They are tired all over, and I’m truly noticing how all the muscle groups are really firing! I was petting Stella, and turns out the front of my shins are were really engaging during this move! Sweet!
10/23
So I was doing a thing this past night, I was marching my legs in place lying down? This was really interesting because I was able to tone down the muscle spasms enough so they kinda stopped and I fell asleep!
Today was a pretty good day. I was able to get in the standing frame a couple times today before therapy. This helps me use my leg muscles, and relaxes them so much. It’s interesting, it really is helping them get in the habit of being up and down and up and down. They really need this. little more each day! I was noticing how significant my legs were moving themselves when I would just give them the slightest assistance moving them off the footplate, or into the shower, etc. they are doing this so much better and requires me to use my hands even less!
So therapy today went really well, treadmill session was good, and then we followed it up with some standing exercises! I did some stands in the parallel bars, without my butt/ hips supported, for over a minute! 3 times! Bridget and I were really excited about this progress! There was even one moment I saw her kinda drop the strap on accident because she completely let off the pressure on my hips, and I was still up! Which was great!
I followed this up with the Trike with Joni! This was amazing and I did what I’m pretty sure is a fair amount more distance traveled in the same amount of time! Which is amazing! I was really feeling the reciprocal motion of my legs, my quads and hamstrings getting more and more in sync with one another, firing at the right times, and shutting off at the right time as well! But boy oh boy was I tired when I got done! I could really feel as I was going for longer, the entire fatigue set in over my entire body. It was intense, and I like it! I really like getting these opportunities to get my entire body engaged, because when I am on the bike, I feel my entire upper body, back, core, legs engaging! It’s much more intense than on the treadmill, so that’s wild.
I really need some rest. It’s 8:20pm, and I’m just feeling it. I’m feeling how much energy I spent today, and these last couple days, just really hitting it.
My shins and calves are waking up and really engaging! Same thing with my feet?! It’s interesting because I feel like the past 2 days, the tingling in my feet have really been dying down! So much so that I feel like they are submerged in a couple of squishy wet jelly sacks, full of warm water most of the time now. Which is a heck of a lot better than the tingling I’ve had for so long!
I need to lay down, and get some rest. It was a good day, full day, and going to see how this sleep goes.
10/24
Wow. Today went by! It was quite a busy day. It’s 7:31pm and I’m finally at the gym. Oof. My body is really feeling strong today! Everything is feeling so very engaged! These legs are seriously firing so dang much. Im doing lateral raises, and they are helping stabilize me so much!
Im absolutely, positively exhausted. There’s nothing left in me tonite. I’m pooped.
10/25
The fullness in my legs continues to increase! I’m feeling the fullness travel down my thighs, my shins, and around my feet! My feet too, yesterday, I had noticed how they were cold? Which was crazy because it was definitely a change in temperature of something!
Muscle overflow. That’s been an interesting idea I feel like has been relevant to me. Since I’ve been going to the gym so consistently, I really feel my muscles engaging in the chair, that you might not always be thinking are getting engaged!
So here’s what I found:
Muscle overflow, also known as irradiation or overflow effect, is when engaging one muscle group inadvertently activates or “spills over” into surrounding or related muscle groups, even if those muscles aren’t the primary target. This can happen naturally when performing intense or high-resistance exercises and is often used in rehabilitation and strength training to enhance muscle activation or stimulate weak muscles.
How Muscle Overflow Works:
• When a muscle contracts with high intensity or is under heavy load, the neural signals from the brain can “overflow” to nearby muscles or even to muscles in the opposite limb.
• This happens because the nervous system recruits extra motor units (nerve-muscle connections) to meet the demand for stability, strength, or support.
Examples of Muscle Overflow:
1. Grip Strength Overflow:
• Squeezing a fist or gripping a weight tightly can increase muscle activation in the upper arm (e.g., biceps) or shoulder due to overflow.
2. Core Activation Overflow:
• Contracting the core intensely during certain exercises (like planks) may enhance muscle activation in the legs or arms, improving overall stability.
3. Rehabilitation Use:
• Muscle overflow is used in physical therapy to help patients activate weaker or injured muscles by engaging stronger surrounding muscles. For example, a patient might engage their core to help stimulate leg muscles.
Benefits and Uses:
• Improves Stability: Overflow can help stabilize the body during exercises by activating surrounding muscles.
• Boosts Muscle Activation: It allows other muscles to join in, potentially leading to more strength and hypertrophy gains.
• Enhances Rehabilitation: Therapists use overflow to stimulate muscle groups that are difficult to engage directly due to weakness or injury.
Seems to me that what I’m feeling, is just a common idea that people are familiar with? Also, I’m STARVING! It’s 6:26am and I woke up FAMISHED! I better get a move on so I can eat something in a bit!
THERE’S PRETZELS IN THE MICROWAVE!!! This was a silly dream I had, where Paul and John were over here at the apartment with me. We were working on some sort of projects, and Paul was welding up a fixture made of Tortillas and Beans? And it was going to be used for holding and fixturing gearboxes? But this was all made from food? So I turn, and look at the microwave on the counter, and there it is…. FULL OF PRETZELS!!!
So at the gym, I’m doing some bicep curls, and tricep overhead curls, and I’m at the lowest setting on the cable machine. It’s been a while since I’ve done something at the lowest weight. But I figure, if I can’t even do this at the lowest setting, I need to do it. I got some work to do!
Oof, sometimes it’s hard doing these movements. I’m trying to do a curl, and it’s hard holding myself up. I was at therapy today, and was on the RTI bike today! It’s great getting my legs moving. After therapy my core was stable! A lot more so than it usually is.
Wow. Uh. Wow. So, these tricep push downs, I had the weight set at 25lbs on the cable machine, and they are HARD. The overflow into the rest of my body is really feeling it!
Navigating the sidewalks during a construction zone tear up is not so fun… I had quite the journey into and out of therapy this week!
10/26
It took a village to get me back to functioning order. It literally took a substantial team, of trained experts that comprised this village, to do so. I had 24hr nurse attendance around the clock, to ensure that I was going to be stable. From everything it sounds like, it was really scary. It was bleak. Before I talk too much about that, the point I was making was it took a team. Once I got out of there, I got a new team in the rehab hospital. And from there, a new team at my parents house. My family all stepped in, my mother, father, brothers, sisters, to help me. I showered at the local gym for goodness sakes, and my brothers helped me. We would go lift weights, and I would get my weekly shower. They would carry in the shower chair, my clothes, and help me with the non-ada doors.
This is what I woke up to, thinking about. I have a tear rolling down my face as I’m writing this out because it truly does take a village. There were so many individuals that were and are there for me. My mother especially too. She helped me so much, and we are now closer than ever.
I still remember the first 5 days I was back from the rehab hospital. That’s when I had a plural effusion, and ended back up in the hospital. My Sister Jess stayed with my for most of the first morning when I was in such terrible pain. That was so hard. But just being able to talk with her made it so much better.
Weird, how just having others around, makes such a difference. It really is important, and I am oh so very grateful for them. All of them.
My legs, hips, and abdomen are constantly on the up and up. Going to the gym yesterday, had my body feeling good! I’m laying in bed right now and the feelings of tingling are there only because I have to go pee. The other feelings are this sense of cool rush that comes over them.
It’s so hard sometimes, to have to see so many things change around me. I am working hard everyday to get back on these two feet, but it doesn’t mean that I can stop living life too, all of a sudden. It’s so hard, and it makes for such a tough time. Sometimes, just the smallest of things can make me so upset. Which makes it that much more difficult to do the already difficult tasks required to just live a life. It stacks up and gets to a point that is just hard to bear.
I’m going to have to get up and move around, because that seems to always help. Sigh. I just feel exasperated sometimes. I know that with time, all things pass. Just like us. Which, I know is a pretty sad way to think about all of this. I have to just get it out, and on the table like this. Without just letting it out, it builds up inside me. Sigh. Trying to get some deep breaths in, helps too.
The frustration of living this life in this chair is incessant. I work hard every day, and there are still things that are seemingly just as difficult as the day before. “Walk down memory lane – Max 3yrs ago”. These are the types of notifications and reminders I have constantly to work through. I love that pup. I miss him so much. I don’t know how to figure out how to live a life with him in it. It’s so hard. He’s such a sweet boy. That dog has gone through so much now.
I’m getting intense feelings of tightness that are this constant reminder to get myself moving. Better get out of this towel and into some real clothes. Ugh. That laborious process of getting dressed. Something that is still such a difficult process. I do it, everyday obviously, but I can’t help but have so much time to think about how slow it is.
Floor crawl to help get me moving, and trying to get into a better mood! It really does help! I know there is something intrinsically tied to our mental state and movement, I just don’t know yet!
Dinner at Birch! We had such an amazing evening with Bruce and Luis! They are awfully sweet and amazing people. Callie and I have a lot to learn from them! It was so nice getting to go out to eat at a nice place, and get to know some people we see in passing so much better! Everyone has such interesting stories! And I was lucky to have been able to explore more with them! This is just the beginning! Who knows what’s in store for all of us! Wood fired oven’s do for such a great time. I’m really glad for this evening, moments like these help make the hard times not so hard. Let’s see what tomorrow brings!
The Astronaut on Earth 
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