10/6
I woke up this morning and my legs are going through some changes! I don’t know what! But I’ll tell ya what, I’m feeling something changing! I do think though too, that the alcohol I had last night didn’t help anything.
I was really feeling the contractions in my lower legs!!
Had a wonderful visit this long weekend with the family! We always have a great time catching up, and spending time with one another. Now I just need to figure out how to do that more often! We had a nice start to the day, had visits with Laura and Jess, and Mom & Dad sent us off!
10/7
So today was the drive back to Milwaukee, and boy am I tired. I drove three quarters of the way, but I’ll tell ya what, I’m exhausted. I’m in the standing frame right now, and it feels like the first time I’ve been able to take notes all weekend! Maybe a short note here and there, but finally a chance to sit down (stand up?) and take some notes!
I really need to transition and incorporate tall kneeling exercises into my floor routine! This was something I finally am realizing and also have a new motivation for! This weekend, I asked Dad a question. This was about my ability to help him with John’s floors. I really want to, and I know that since it’s on the floor, I might have a chance to help! So what happened was, is I asked him, “Hey Dad, would I be able to help you guys out with the floor, or would I just get in the way?” And his response shocked me, because it wasn’t an immediate no. He said, “if you can get on your knees and hold yourself up, that’s how you would have to be in position to use the nailer, and it’s also a lot of back and forth too.” So after he said that, I was in shock! I said to myself in my head, “challenge accepted”. I now knew what my next functional goal is! It’s to get into tall kneeling on my own and independently! If I can support myself on my knees, I could be useful! So here we go! I need to see if I can do this!
I’m feeling my quads engaging, my glutes engaging, my entire core and lower back, plus my hips really engaging! And now, I can feel something new to focus on as well! And that’s my calves/ shins! This past weekend I think was the first time I was really feeling them and noticing them activating! I know that it’s just a start, but even Schmüle was able to feel my calf muscle engaging just a little bit on my right leg!! I’m really excited to see how this progression goes!
Holy smokes…. THAT WAS A HUGE TOOT!!?!? It’s been really interesting in the standing frame, working through the different muscle groups, and also the different sensations! I just was trying to contract my glutes and core a bit, and also work through some of the tension in my gut. It was at that time I FELT such a significant flatulence! That’s a really significant sign because it helps reinforce that signals are getting all the way down to my sacral area in my spinal cord, and that changes are happening! I’m really glad to have felt that! Sounds silly but it feels great to know with a lot of time, patience, and diligence, my hard work is paying off! One silly toot at a time!
That was interesting, only my left leg got sweaty!
10/8
Wow, days like this I end up getting pretty whooped. It’s always interesting to have to go through my day, feel so much of my body, and also have to continue on with my day. Like right now, I’m just in the car with no music playing or podcast on or book on and I’m just trying to think. Trying to use this time to just help. Keep my head in a good place because it really does get overwhelming sometimes with everything that’s going on.
it’s really interesting thinking about how words that we say really are the thoughts that we have, and the words that we say are the words up in our heads. I know this is recursive, but I’ll explain sometime soon!
10/9
Feeling my “under-butt” more and more! Ha ha! It’s silly to say, but I really notice how much more I can feel that engaging! Also, my shins and calves! And, my hip flexors are really kicking, if I’m being honest, they are dangerously strong sometimes, but I need to get them more coordinated! My body really needs to listen to me! So, I said to Callie as well, everyday I need to work on my tall kneeling!
Okay, just got done with therapy. This was awesome! Great session on the treadmill and bike, and what’s also interesting is the sensation difference between my right and left leg! My right leg feels warm, and isn’t hardly tingly at all. My left leg, on the other hand, is cool, and also tingling more. I’m putting my hands on my legs and I can feel the drastic difference?!
I’m realizing more and more, how I really need to focus on not just singular areas in my legs, but my whole legs! And how they relate to the rest of my body! I really have to maintain this level of focus. I’m feeling my legs get more and more signals being sent to them! After I got out of therapy today, I had an interesting new sensation on my inner right thigh, it was wild! It was very sensitive?! When I was lifting my leg over the bike and getting off, my leg had really kicked in and helped kick off! It was really cool! There’s more and more moments like this happening throughout the day!
Just moments ago, I was brushing my teeth, and I leaned over to grab the brush and toothpaste. Usually when I do that, I need to put a hand down on the counter to help support myself, but not anymore! I’m holding myself up better and better!
I’m feeling so much through my right leg, the upper and outer parts of my thigh are changing so drastically. I can feel it in my left leg in similar areas, but a little bit less. My knees are getting so much more sensation, and my low back is fighting all the tightness in my abdomen currently. It’s weird!
10/10
Okay, somehow we are already 10 days into October. Feels crazy, because I feel like September was just a day ago. I’m not very happy when I don’t get to be in the standing frame until 7 o’clock at night. It’s pretty depressing and it doesn’t feel good, and that’s a huge understatement.
I’m at the gym and it’s 8:36pm. My legs feel freaking crazy. Very engaged during these bent over rows! I’m still in such an ambivalent mood though. It’s so tough. I’m all over the place. I’m up, I’m down. I feel so many feelings right now, it’s really really tough to get them all out. Work is stressing me out, therapy and doing enough is stressing me out. Doing workouts at home is as well.
10/11
So I’m feeling my knees, calves, shins, toes, so much more than I usually do! It was really cool, and some point during the night, I swear I was feeling the warmth in my legs?! that was incredible! Let’s make sure you make some time to get on the floor today, and move around! Enough is enough!
Last night was crazy. I really was laying flat, as in my legs were stretched out flat in the bed when I was laying supine. It was really nice being able to do that, with so little discomfort!
I had a pretty good day today. I stayed focused, got a few things done, and didn’t end up putting my body in a situation where I was super uncomfortable! It’s always hard when I do that, so I’m glad I was able to keep my body functions under wraps!
We had a fun evening with Joey and Kaitlyn! We always have a fun time with those two! It was even interesting, putting my mind before my body! Trying to keep him in control! Not sure what to make of all the pain sometimes, but I really working to fight all this dysfunction in my autonomic system. If it’s not being regulated automatically, I’m going to try to do that manually! Sounds weird, but I’m slowly chipping away at it.
10/12
So this morning, I got up to go #1, and i decided to deviate from my typical routine of doing the second part as well. In an effort to gain control of my body, regulate parts that are unregulated, I’m going to hold it. And what’s interesting is all the tingling and discomfort this brings, but also, my legs were jumping (yes literally jumping) all over the place this morning? If I’m causing some change to occur with this series of events, maybe I’m on to something? There’s a lot of discomfort right now, but I’m almost self inducing this. I know that if I go it will relieve a lot of discomfort. Not sure what to make of all this?
Maybe it has something to do with my parasympathetic nervous system, the “rest and digest” system? I know I’ve been working to help that side of me out more and more, so I’m wondering if there is something to learn about this experience? Focusing in on all these sensations, without judgement, is what I’m going to do.
Why do I have to live like this? Why is it that this happened to me? Why do I have to constantly struggle? Why is it that everything is hard? How come me? Why? These are all questions that I get, from time to time. Because it’s hard. It’s really hard. It almost feels different than just “accepting reality” because I’ve done that. I realized this happened. It’s still so hard to have to deal with these consequences of someone else’s dumb mistake every single day. That makes this harder than I can fathom. To have been put in this situation by no fault of my own makes all of this so difficult. I’m lying in bed, just sulking because I had to have this thought earlier. It wasn’t cool.
When I have to pull myself up (literally and figuratively) every time I want to get out of bed or out of a funk, it wears on you. I know I am getting stronger, but it doesn’t take away from the fact that this all still takes so long. I miss running with my dog. Riding my bikes. Working on things. Now, these days, I’m working on my body, and trying to stay alive.
I realize too, that I have so many helpful people in my life. Callie, my family. But it feels hopelessly hopeless sometimes. When you go from being a strong and independent person, to now needing so much help. With everything. Makes things really hard. I know I’ve come a long way in the help department, but still. There are things I cannot do that makes for a very hard time.
It really is weird, how I can relate to newborns, infants, and toddlers. How they get uncomfortable, squeamish, disjointed. All around uncomfortable. My body does this exact same thing. The progress I’ve been making these last couple weeks is overshadowed by the fact that I’m stressed from work. Which makes it difficult. Ugh.
I don’t know. All this time spent thinking only opens my eyes to all the ideas I don’t know, and all the progress I still need to make. It’s tough. I’m sad. I can just see and feel myself getting out of this bed on my feet, stretching my entire body out, hands outreached overhead, and with an inhale, curve my back and feel the tension leave my body. Meanwhile, my legs are tangled and bent on the bed, without my feet covered because I can’t adjust the blankets right, tense, goosebumps, and tingly. I want that. I want something as simple as that right now. I want to walk over to my dog, pet him, feel his soft fur against my legs. Instead, he’s 300 miles away.
Ugh. What’s it all worth? All the money and riches in the world? But if you can’t use your body the way you should? To me, it’s a no brainer. This perspective is so hard because I don’t know how I can ever get away from that.
It feels like I can only muster up some sleep. I hate this. I feel the part of me needing/ wanting to end this note on a positive note, and it’s hard. To muster up the energy for that right now, makes it tough. I know I’ve come a long way, and I haven’t stopped yet. I don’t know where I’m headed, but I just know that I need to keep moving. I know my body is capable of so much! I really was feeling some very interesting sets of feelings this morning, that I didn’t get to touch on!
I know how hard this life I’m living is, and it gets very hard not to get a break every once in a while .
Alright, at the gym right now shaking off this funky mood. And what I’m feeling right now is amazing! What’s really interesting, is when I incorporate a new workout into the routine, I can really feel my heart rate rise! Which is cool too! My feelings in my low back and glutes are off the charts! As is my abdomen, legs, and everything for that matter!
What’s really interesting, is how my body responds to all this different stimulus? Every time I do another set, my body handles the weight I am attempting to lift so much better! 20lb single hand curls aren’t too bad! I’m really making some progress!
Took a shower and helped rid me of all the stank. Turns out sitting this much creates a swampy effect and area in the nether regions like none other. It’s awful. I’m working everyday just to keep that area clean and dry. Just another one of those fun things I have to deal with now these days. Fun!
The Astronaut on Earth 
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