6/16
Okay so my legs are ready. They are ready to do some things today! I need to get moving so they don’t feel so restless today!
It’s interesting how I can take a second and reflect and see all the changes happening in my body. See and feel the changes. It’s really been a blessing to feel the way they are feeling much more recently than ever!
My low back muscles really are feeling engaged! my glutes I’m really trying to! They come in and out of focus! I’m really noticing the changes in my lower back range of motion, as well as how my legs have been changing sensations so abruptly these past two days!
I’m trying to slow down and figure out where to start. Hmm. So, with that being said I’ll just start from the top. So my right abdomen and my entire abdomen has been engaging so much more. Ashley and I discussed how spasms and voluntary motion can both coexist, and that’s what I’m working thru right now, especially in my abdomen.
I need to take a second and clear my head from all the thoughts that are racing thru it right now. It’s interesting how stressed I can get when I go to do something new. I’m really excited to be getting in the pool! But I’m extremely anxious to be doing it with an “audience” per say. I know that everyone thinks I’m doing an okay job, but it’s really hard to get my head in a state that it isn’t constantly worrying about these things right now.
What the heck am I worried about? What is it? That my legs aren’t gonna move as much as I want in the pool? So what? It’s your first time doing this, you know it’s always hardest the first time you do something. What else? Just slipping, scraping myself, not being prepared, feeling under equipped?
After all is said and done, and did okay, not too bad! It was hard getting in and trying to move my legs. It was almost like my legs freaked out and stiffened up? I’m not sure what that was about? But I will be honest I would like to think that it could have gone a lot worse! I could have slipped in the pool or Callie let me go and I almost drowned or something?! It wasn’t too bad overall! The water felt really cool!
6/17
Well, it happened! I wasn’t sure how this was going to go, but I got up all bright and early Monday morning, and we drove in and got ready for this surgery at 7am. It was surreal being back in a hospital setting like this… they even made me put the operating gown on, and it was weird. It really brought me back in time.
Sitting there in the hospital bed with no one around really made me feel like I was back in the hospital, and I didn’t really like that feeling. I spent so much time there before, and it was weird how it was all flushing back in my thoughts and memories.
The surgery went well, and got out of there in a decent time. It was all still weird. Oh and now I can’t move my neck, so this is fun. Very tight. And they don’t want me to move my body around in “strenuous” ways. We will see about that one!
I’m glad this thing doesn’t hurt right now, but man is my neck stiff. Well let’s see how this week goes, idk how this is gonna go with my my stiff neck.
6/18
It’s Callie’s birthday! I’m glad we had heck of a day, I took her out for lunch and dinner, and her gifts came in time! (Sorta!)
I will admit though, my body is getting tight, and I don’t like how this is feeling. I’m gonna need to move much more starting tomorrow, I didn’t sleep much last night, and trying to sleep upright in bed was super uncomfortable and difficult because of how much my legs had spasmed.
6/19
So, recovery is going slow. It feels like I’m just a lump right now. I’m not good for much, and it feels like I can’t do anything. This lump on my neck healing has got me feeling like a useless lump. I know I shouldn’t do the most strenuous stuff, but I need to keep moving. My legs and my body want and need to move. I can’t let myself get caught in this chair.
I really haven’t taken a moment to sit down and write for a bit. It’s weird, because I know I like to write when there is a lot going on, and it helps me make sense of it all. But this time, from this surgery, I for some reason didn’t do that. Probably from being uncomfortable and my body being all over the place. I suppose that doesn’t help.
I probably should have scheduled the surgery for after Callie’s birthday. Going out to eat and everything a day after the surgery seemed like a fine idea looking back at how I viewed this, but turns out it would have been much better I think if I had waited.
I really am antsy, and want to do so much. I know this thing is healing up quick, my neck range of motion is getting so much better, I just did some stretches for my neck just now and it went a lot better. I’ll have to keep up on that.
My legs are sad though. I’m sad because I haven’t crawled around or been to therapy all week, and it’s really messing with my head. I know this isn’t a permanent state, not doing things because of the neck, but it sure doesn’t feel good right now at all. I know I can do more today. I wonder how it’s healing up? They said I shouldn’t taken the bandage off, and to just let it fall off on its own.
I really am feeling so much through my legs! I really am using them more and more to transfer out of the bed and into the chair, and vice versa. I also was doing some mini squats in the standing frame to try and send more signals thru my ever healing nerves! I really do think there’s something to that, and I will have to spend some time exploring that idea. Until then, I’m going to be doing any and every little thing I can to send signals to my legs. I really want my glutes and quads to be firing so well! I really need them to kick it in gear so I can support myself! They really are trying, I’m just wondering want all else I can do!
Mental imagery of standing up, walking, etc is important for helping carry out the action. I am wondering about this, and need to try to make sure that I am doing these mental practice exercises everyday! I can definitely say I need to keep up on these things!
This is an extremely sad day. I don’t even know where to begin. I’m falling apart. I can’t do anything. I don’t feel supported. I feel alone. I feel helpless. I’m laying in bed and I can’t even get out of bed on my own. I’m distraught. This is ridiculous. I’m so sad. I can’t do much of anything right now. I don’t ask for much. I don’t ask for hardly anything. And here we are. I’m sad. I’m feeling hopeless. I know this is a shitty day. I don’t want to move. “Taking care” of myself feels like a fucking joke. I’m falling apart. This isn’t comfortable, my body wants to jump out of itself and be done. This is annoying. Why is this it. Why is this what happened. Who the fuck cares. This is not what life is. I’m not in a good place. I need to move my body. I can’t hardly breathe. I move my body just a little bit and it gets worse. The sound of keys being struck is awful in my ears right now. I’m falling apart. I don’t want to anything right now. I feel as hopeless as I did when I was in that rehab hospital and I couldn’t do much of anything at all.
This isn’t good. I don’t even think I can sleep. My body is failing. I just feel hate.
6/20
I woke up this morning in tears. It was tough. I also can’t move my body right now, otherwise I’ll be in a bunch of pain. This is about all that I can muster without feeling like my life is going to end.
Today needs to be a different day. I need to get moving. I need to help my legs and my body. I feel worse in my legs than I think I have ever felt in literal months. It’s sad.
It’s weird too, because I’m trying to remove myself from this situation and observe what’s going on. I need to slow down. I need to be objective. I need to persevere. This legitimately has been one of the toughest times emotionally, physically, and psychologically I have had to experience.
I’m here though, I am still Joe. But I can feel how much help I really need. I just want to get up and run around and shake all this nasty feeling, tingling, tightness off, and I need help with this right now.
My neck is feeling fine, and I know I am not going to push it.
Ended up having a much better day! Crawled, went and watched a bike race, chatted with Evan and Gordy, and got some decent time on the chess board!
6/21
So, I actually got some sleep this last night! It’s finally Friday after the surgery and last night was the best night of rest I have had all week. It’s been a struggle. I don’t want that to happen again. I’m glad my neck is healing up just fine, and I don’t have to worry about it much (as I’m laying in bed on that side and it’s not super stressed out.)
I got a new book yesterday, “Foundations of Cellular Neurophysiology” by Daniel Johnston. This is an interesting copy because it’s from a professor’s office at UCLA’s department of physiology. I was looking this book up and it appears to be a graduate level book. It’s exciting because I really am fascinated with how our neurological system works, and to gain a better and deeper understanding I figured continuing my journey by learning about the physiological aspects of the nervous system are in order.
Learning about dendrites, axons, and the interworkings of the nervous system at an atomic level has been fascinating! We really are at the forefront in our learning and understanding of these complex features in our body! Dendrites help transmit the electrical signals from other neural cells in our brain and central nervous system, so yes also our spinal cord. The dendrite is like a little root, that branches out from our neural cell bodies, and extending out in our brain matter to other neural cells.
What’s fascinating is that the dendrite has its own small branches, called dendritic spines! Interesting choice of wording, if I may say so! But what’s fascinating about this, is how they branch out, and the research that is going on currently to find out how, why, and for what stimulus and reasons our dendrites are able to form and make new connections.
I was playing around on Google and a local AI, and it was interesting what information I was able to find on Dendrite health, and how to help stimulate growth of the dendrites. I have a deep continuing fascination with exploring these topics not only in reading and research, but within my own body as well! I truly am seeing the potential our central nervous system has to offer! I cannot stop now!
Yesterday my legs were actively standing and engaging when I was transferring on and off the toilet! Like, for 15-30s my legs were engaged and holding me up, causing me to feel very wild about it! They were trying to help me hold myself up and push myself onto the toilet seat! Which has been going more and more on my legs! Just small little steps each day, I think is really the key!
I was also thinking about nerve and electrical signal strengthening, and how I can help that process! So my question to the Google machine was this; “How to independently help build and strengthen the electrical-chemical connections in our brain and synapses for voluntary motor function?” And this is what I found, “To independently help build and strengthen the electrochemical connections in the brain and synapses for voluntary motor function, consider the following strategies:
1. **Physical Exercise**:
– **Aerobic Exercise**: Activities like running, cycling, or swimming improve overall brain health and enhance neuroplasticity, the brain’s ability to form new neural connections.
– **Strength Training**: Weight lifting and resistance exercises also promote brain health by increasing levels of brain-derived neurotrophic factor (BDNF), a protein that supports neuron growth and synaptic plasticity.
– **Motor Skills Training**: Activities requiring coordination and fine motor skills, such as playing a musical instrument, dancing, or practicing sports, help develop and strengthen neural pathways.
2. **Mental Stimulation**:
– **Learning New Skills**: Engaging in new and challenging activities, such as learning a new language, playing an instrument, or solving puzzles, promotes the formation of new synapses and strengthens existing ones.
– **Cognitive Training**: Brain-training programs and games designed to improve memory, attention, and problem-solving skills can help enhance neural connections.
3. **Nutrition**:
– **Omega-3 Fatty Acids**: Found in fish, flaxseeds, and walnuts, omega-3s are essential for maintaining the structure and function of brain cells.
– **Antioxidants**: Foods rich in antioxidants, such as berries, dark chocolate, and green tea, help protect the brain from oxidative stress.
– **Vitamins and Minerals**: Ensure adequate intake of vitamins B6, B12, and folic acid, as they are crucial for brain health and neurogenesis.
4. **Rest and Recovery**:
– **Sleep**: Quality sleep is vital for memory consolidation and the formation of new neural connections. Aim for 7-9 hours per night.
– **Stress Management**: Chronic stress negatively affects brain function. Practices like meditation, yoga, and mindfulness can help reduce stress and promote a healthy brain.
5. **Neuroplasticity Practices**:
– **Mindfulness Meditation**: Regular meditation can increase gray matter density in brain regions involved in learning, memory, and emotional regulation.
– **Neurofeedback**: This technique involves monitoring brain activity and using feedback to learn how to control certain aspects of brain function, potentially enhancing neuroplasticity.
6. **Social Interaction**:
– **Engage Socially**: Interacting with others and participating in social activities can stimulate brain regions involved in social cognition and executive function, promoting synaptic growth and strengthening neural networks.
7. **Consistency and Patience**:
– **Regular Practice**: Consistency is key in any training regimen. Regular practice and gradual increase in difficulty help reinforce and build new neural pathways.
– **Patience**: Building and strengthening neural connections is a gradual process that requires time and persistence. Be patient and stay committed to your activities.
Implementing a combination of these strategies can help enhance the electrochemical connections in your brain, improving voluntary motor function and overall cognitive health.”
So, I think going to the gym, regular crawling, hitting the punching bag, playing chess, and practicing my Spanish and German are all good things I’m trying to be doing to help stimulate my brain! I really am feeling so different with each passing morning!
I really was thinking hard about the “10,000 steps” idea, and I think it’s really fascinating how the repetition of walking is important. So what I did last night, was squeeze my muscles in my glutes and quads when I was standing, for sets of 20-50. I figure, even if I’m just envisioning in my head the act of standing tall, and I can feel the muscles contracting with each rep, I have to be doing something, right? Wake up this morning, and I can feel my glutes and quads contractions so much stronger!
I was feeling my muscles last night and that is when I realized that maybe part of my glutes have good sensation, and good contractions! I definitely was feeling the upper parts of them really squeezing! I need that to continue going down! So I’m going to focus on that too this week!
I feel so much better this morning. I had such a hard go at it early this week. It might have been part anesthesia wearing off, part lack of movement. What it created was a period of time that I was extremely antsy and frustrated with myself, and those around me. I really am feeling better this morning! Let’s hit today off with something good!
6/22
It’s interesting how I call this my recovery journal. I haven’t really thought much about that fact until I have had to recovery (again) from this surgery on Monday. Good thing it appears to be benign. It could have been something much worse, and I know that wouldn’t have been good to be working through on top of everything else.
I know that these harder mental states are times when I need to spend time getting organized. Organized with my thoughts, actions, words, and emotions. I really am realizing that going back to work is going to be a lot, and I need to make sure I’m as prepared as possible for this! So I’m going to be blocking out my days before I go back to make sure I am setting myself up for success. I know it’s going to be hard, but I am working on being as ready as possible.
So I’m really liking how I’m situating myself in the standing frame these days, I realized I can get a better knee placement and foot/ ankle placement if i do a little readjusting prior to jacking the jack up and lifting myself. I’m working through getting a standing frame ready to have while at work, i think that will be good to be getting over there to help myself out during the day!
Well, it’s settled. I’m going to be adding Therapy times to the calendar, as well as my free time obligations as well! Since working on getting back walking is my job, I am going to be serious about this, and block out my days to get the most bang for my buck! Plus, this will help me set reminders for the appropriate times to leave for work and therapy, especially if I am leaving by myself. It will take me an extra 10min on top of drive time to break down the chair and get it back together.
Phew. I’m glad this neck surgery is finally healing up to the point where I can get on the floor and not be distracted by possibly rupturing a blood vessel! The crawl I did this afternoon went really well! Holy cannoli, my hips are really moving and my legs are doing so well in a crawl!
So, with each transfer, each move out of bed, each slide on and off the toilet, I can feel my legs being more engaged, fuller, and more active in my day to day activities! It really has taken me this entire time and focus, concentration and concerted effort, to be able to pick up on the small nuances and changes in sensation. I really have noticed how much more full my hips and upper legs have been, and my torso is really working hard to hold me up while I’m pushing that silly chair.
I have been making really concentrated efforts these past couple days to make myself hold my torso up the entire time I’m pushing this wheelchair, and this morning especially, when we went to go outside to go to the restaurant for breakfast, I could feel myself being able to hold my torso up more easily than the day before. I’ve really been having to slow myself down (even more than the snails pace that is that I move at) and focus in on my body. I really know that these efforts are paying off because with each day, I’m feeling more and more.
I’m really surprised with the fact that today we went to Target, and in the effort to reduce some cardboard clutter in the bathroom, to simplify the bathroom supplies I have to use to go pee (yeah I’m talking the dang catheter boxes) I ended up going from over 21 boxes to 1 nice plastic tote! And it felt good to make some shelf space back again. It really feels like a sad existence sometimes to have to rely so heavily on these fellas. I really need to kick back into gear the direct spinal stimulation, and help continue to explore this method for regaining function down there! Honestly, I’m not going to stop investigating ways to help relieve this neurological issue, because it’s such a constant torment to have to deal with.
In this discussion and effort to get rid of all this, I was doing a little research into when the urological catheter was invented? It ended up being a very interesting topic because it was a lot older than I had expected! These were devices that were used since the Egyptian and Ancient Greek times! What was interesting is how the flexible catheter was invented back in 1752 by none other, than Benjamin Franklin! It’s really interesting how these different research topics seem to come full circle! It’s interesting how he invented this to help his brother, so it’s been interesting being in a position where I am trying to work through these issues, based on necessity. It’s weird, this perspective, but I am in a place where I want to continue to explore where this is going to take me. I don’t ever want to stop, and I don’t think I can. There’s so much to learn and gain, and so many other people out there to help!
The Astronaut on Earth 
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