May 12th – May 18th 2024: “Try and Fail, but Always Try!”

5/13

So, everytime I go to the gym after a longer break, I start to feel such different feelings from day to day. My lower back lately has been feeling so much! I can really feel him contracting!

5/14

It’s hard. Having to get up and try to do something, and then go at it for close to 40min with no results, is pretty frustrating. I’m just thinking about how if the first line therapy for most patients is medication, why is it that I didn’t even get to try any of this? Why am I the one who is reaching out to try? How come I wasn’t able to at least try and fail before I even got a chance? I’d really like to be able to use my body with the hardware that it currently has. It just needs the right connections and connectivity!

Wow, oof. Shoot. Yuck. Ugh. Ow. Ugh. Yep. This totally sucks right now. I get it. I understand why people don’t want to try to do something different to their bodies to get things to change, and to get things better. Because you have to go thru some pretty weird and unbearable sensations to be able to come out on feeling better and different. I totally get that nothing is easy, but in moments like I’m feeling right now, you just want it all to go away. To feel good, to not have to think of anything (wait) to be able to think of whatever it is that you want, and not the discomfort that you are currently experiencing. I’m shivering, and thinking about all this, and how much I want this to stop, but I know I need to work on my breathing. Slowing down, closing my eyes, working through this. It’s so weird, what our body and mind is capable of doing. I am not sure if it’s my mind messing with my mind, or my body messing with my mind? Or is it all in my head? Which one is it? Could be a little bit of both.

I am stressed. I can feel it. It’s really hard working on these GI issues and urinary tract issues, this would help my quality of life and standard of living so much! I really want this!

5/15

So, this has been a freaking awful morning. I have been trying to get myself to go on the toilet, to try and go pee and poop, but it’s been going terribly. This isn’t working and I am not sure what to do, I’m at my wits end, and it doesn’t feel like it’s getting better. This unfortunately is all I have to say today.

5/16

I keep waking up at around 6am. I think it’s time I finally get up at this time. I think I might be ready. That might help me get to doing all the things I need to do throughout the day.

Yesterday was a pretty crappy day. I felt completely overwhelmed with all of the intense feelings in my abdomen, and wetting my pants, and not feeling understood. I really need to make sure that I’m getting back on track today, because I really don’t like what happened at all yesterday. It was so tough. I just felt so misunderstood, and Callie felt like I wasn’t listening. When I was upset and full of pain, I even yelled a bit, which I don’t usually do. She told me she had never heard me yell like that. And I didn’t like that. Not one shred of me wanted to feel that way.

It’s really hard, being in this situation and not being understood fully. When your body is fighting you tooth and nail, it becomes so hard to keep your head on straight. But slowing down, checking my baseline, and trying to put everything in perspective does begin to help.

I am not perfect, and no body is. And I always want to be seeing progress in myself, but sometimes we do have bad days. And it can be really hard in those moments to realize that you are just having one of those bad days.

5/17

Got down to crawl, finished the book, and crawled again! It’s been a day, and trying to make better of it all, let’s get some rest!

5/18

Wow. Just wow. This is just a bittersweet day. Not only have I had one of the craziest past years in my entire existence, it has simultaneously been one of the best and one of the worst years ever. I tried to explain my thoughts to Callie when I was laying awake in the middle of the night, and it went something like this.

I have already talked in quite some detail about what I was thinking in this day, and I really am glad I’m still here. It’s hard, and I’m not going to deny that, but I’m ever so glad that I am working on getting myself back walking and getting my life back every day!

It’s hard, but it’s a lot harder when we are so hard on ourselves we don’t even give ourselves a chance to try. That’s where I am, I’m trying. I’m making efforts and strides everyday to regain portions of my body and life. I’m pretty grateful for what I still have, and what I’m getting back and working on every day.

We ended up having a really great party, and such a wonderful day! I’m really glad everyone was able to make it, and we had so much fun! I think the electrical stimulation was a hit! Even the food and drinks were great! What was really silly was the fact that I probably got (definitely got) way tipsier than I ever should have! Goodness gracious! I’m glad to have turned this day into a celebration and commitment to one another, and not a day of sadness, which i felt like it could have been…..

I’m really thankful for the folks who came, and I am glad that I can still try to have some fun still. Plus looking at the lake didn’t hurt things at all either! John and Jill even made the long a treacherous journey all the way from Metro Detroit! I’m so stinking happy for those two! I don’t know what I would do without them! And on top of it all, they are both some of the busiest folks that I know! And they still made the long trip!! We had a blast, and I’m glad we were able to share with everyone a life achievement that we are both so happy to share, Callie and I!