5/18
Wow. Just wow. This is just a bittersweet day. Not only have I had one of the craziest past years in my entire existence, it has simultaneously been one of the best and one of the worst years ever. I tried to explain my thoughts to Callie when I was laying awake in the middle of the night, and it went something like this.
It’s not that the events that we face, the trauma that we experience, is a gift. It’s also not that they can be a crazy and awful burden either. Someone I call “the fake emperor” had tried to explain that adversity is simply a “gift”, and I think those words underplay what really happens in some of the most life altering situations. I also think that just trying to see what happens in your life as completely and utterly out of your control, is also a pretty hard place to be, because although events may happen in our lives that are out of our control, how we react to them, and how we learn from them and move forward, is still in our control.
What do you call something that you are given that is not a gift? Is it simply Reality? I didn’t Google it, and there might be a really good word out there for that, but I still am thinking about that one. It’s not that we are looking at this as simply a “bad thing”, but this might just be an event, a person, or something that happens, that is completely out of our control. Like getting struck by lightning. I don’t regret to say, that is not a gift. Or getting struck by a tree while driving, and losing your wife, and also suffering a catastrophic injury. These are not gifts, I’m sorry. That is the wrong word, and that’s poor diction to think of it that way.
Unfortunately, these events are the reality that we may be faced with, as I have been. And it’s hard. It’s really tough. It’s not fair to you or your loved ones that have been there for you to underplay the severity of some of these events. It’s not. No way, no doubt, would I ever want to ever downplay what happened to me.
But I still have a chance! I have learned SO much this past year! I have had some of the most helpful people on the planet help rehabilitate me back to life, and one that I am living now essentially on my own! There is no way to underplay these things either! Because, if we don’t wake up each morning with a mindset of what can I do today, to change where I want to be tomorrow, we can seriously get stuck. And that’s not what I’m going to do. I’ve come too far, made too much progress in my body, to just stop now!
It’s so interesting, because the light that is peeking through the blinds at 8:07am in the morning brings back memories for me. It brings me back to not this exact day, but about a month later, in the rehab hospital, where I would get breakfast ordered, and wait for my mother to come and meet me for the day. Probably one of the few things that truly brought me joy when I was just barely able to lift my head off the bed, I couldn’t roll over on my own, go to the bathroom on my own, get out of bed on my own, just this short list of things I was truly dependent on other people for. I could still eat though!
She would come in probably around 8-9am, and I still won’t ever forget that look on her face, that smile she has, and how happy I always was to see her come through that doorway, instead of another nurse to poke me with a needle in the arm. It was every week at least on Monday mornings that I would get poked and blood drawn for sampling. They always had to wake me up, and I was like,” okay, just get it over with”
She would always be there for me, helping me with breakfast, or trying to grab a bite of food that they inevitably would forget or mess up, for when the occupational therapist would come in, and start the day by reaching me how to re-clothe myself, or maybe if I was lucky, to try to get into the shower, you name it. She was there. She really was my light and joy. I still dont know how to be able to thank her for being her, and what she does for our family, except for always just thanking her and continually letting her know. And sometimes I try to get her a few things now and again. She really means the world to me, and I don’t know where I would be without all of her help, constantly, in some of the hardest months of my life. She was there for me when I needed her the most, and I am forever grateful for her. For her cooking, her kindness, our amazing conversations in the morning and at the start of the day! The infinite amount of bucket baths, chill mornings, and the insane amount of discomfort and pain. She helped load that wheelchair up so many times, and I’m forever grateful. She worked her butt off, and so easily transitioned back into “mom mode” for me when I was back with her, it was an amazing sight to have been able to bear witness to! She took me on my first trips back out into public! I remember how shocked and startled I was at the grocery store. The stories and things I’m grateful for from her goes on and on!
I just am so very grateful for how far I have come, my overall health, starting from the top. My mental health has been preserved this whole time, by having such loving people around me. I really need to stop and thank my immensely resolute brothers. I’m seriously crying right now, thinking of how my family is there for me, especially my brothers. John and Jake are always calling me first thing in the morning. Sometimes when I don’t get a call, I call Schmüle, and he without a doubt, always answers, regardless of where he is. On the green, at the farm, you name it. They have called me since I got my phone back from the cops more than a month or two after the accident. We talk almost everyday. I don’t know where my head would be at without being able to bounce ideas off them, hear how their days are to give me a shed of normalcy, reminding me that I used to (and still will!) do real activities throughout the day! These three brothers are honestly, some of the most hardworking men, determined, strong willed, and purposeful people out there. I’m in so many tears right now because I see so so much of myself in them. From the ways they walk, to the ways they talk. Quite literally. The only differences is they are tall and bald, and I am short and have my head of hair still on me! (Hopefully I keep that after all this! It’s going gray so I’m hoping that’s a good sign!) these men not only are some of the best people, but my favorite and best friends I could and will ever hope for.
And then my sisters. Two of the most amazing and fun loving women out there. Two of the most strong, and extremely resilient and helpful people out there. I know that we both have gotten so much closer and so much more in touch with each other than we ever had than before the accident. I unfortunately did not always call them before the accident, as I think we all thought each other was “too busy”. But we all make time for each other now, and I’m so glad that we do. I know they both are also working through some more interesting aspects of life that can make for a trickier time. And for that I am grateful they make time for me, and to hear how I am doing. It’s incredible how close we are now, I always am telling them things and talking to them about any silly goofy thing now, and I love them for that. I loved how much mom would get happy when they would stop over for a visit when I had moved back home, as did I! Those two probably came and visited me more than anyone. And I love how much they love our mother, which is amazing to have been able to bear witness too as well! They seriously work so hard for their families, they sometimes need to be able to put themselves first more often, but I know that they will never do that, as they have too many others depending on them. And I can’t for a minute blame them. I love them so dearly, it’s insane.
And then my father. Whom he and I also have probably never been closer than we are now. We have had to come so far in our abilities to communicate, which has been tough at times, but all so worth it. He cares so much about his family. This past year it has really shown, and there is not a single person that is over at John’s house everyday right now to help me except my dad. He really will give you the shirt off his back or a lending hand to be there for someone close to him. And don’t ever get between him and his family, otherwise you have a force to reckon with, and it’s not always pretty. He has a hard time always being able to express to us how he cares, and I know that isn’t his fault. He’s had a lifetime of having to work though difficulties that you don’t wish on anyone, and he’s always been working his butt off to keep food on the table for his giant family, which he loves so much. Him and I have gotten so much closer to one another I’m really happy how much we both have grown in our understanding of one another and relationship with one another. This has been no small feat, and he’s honestly going to be working harder than anyone I know until he can’t lift up his hand. So I need to make sure I can give him a helping hand soon when my recovery is in better shape.
And last but certainly not least is Callie. Someone who has continually reminded me, been helping encourage me, and always see me as Just Joe. As someone I have continually relied on this entire time to help me make sense of everything. Someone who I cannot live without. She has made such significant strides in her own life, while also simultaneously helping get me to therapy and the multitude of doctors appointments for the past 6 months, and more! She does this simply out of the kindness of her heart, which is probably one of the biggest, and most selfless hearts I have ever bore witness to. I know that one day she will make any or all the children so extremely happy. They would have so much to learn from, from her! Her eyes continually remind me of a place we were before the accident, and a time that I wasn’t in all this constant pain. She has been my unwavering rock, and her and I talk so much about all of weird nuances this life is now showing me. I just need to remember whenever my body isn’t agreeing, that Callie is and will always be there for me. I’m ever so grateful to have had her this entire time, for her never giving up on me, and for our relationship to have grown so much. We really are “on an accelerated schedule” because we have been allowed to spend so much time together, and learn and grow so much from one another. My patience with her ability to constantly shift attention to what’s most important has paired well! I can’t believe I can say that I am patient now, but having to consistently take more than 10min going to the bathroom will do that to you….. more on that later…… I really have been so lucky. I love her ever so dearly.
I really cannot express how grateful I am. For all the people that have reached out to me, sent me their love, admiration, best wishes, support, and all the love and support that they send to my family as well! I have so much to be grateful for, notwithstanding the terrible things that I am also working through. For these I am constantly working on, and are a constant reminder of what I’m working to regain for what I’ve lost.
I’ve had a lot of really special people in my life that I’ve met, and have had the opportunity to make lasting relationships with. The therapists that are still helping me, the ones that gave me faith and help and support when I needed it most. I really have had some teams that are extremely supportive and I cannot for the life of me think where I would be without all of them. It’s also interesting of a dynamic, where I am not so pleased with the physical therapists at the rehab hospital. The entire team there, starting with the nursing staff, and occupational therapists, were so extremely supportive and helpful! But I still am working through the pain I have for the physical therapists I had there. For they didn’t give me any hope, and never even tried to get me up standing. Not even once. They looked the other way and disregarded the fact that I was getting abdominal activation back so soon on! They didn’t have any advice to work on that except “try squeezing them” and moved on. I do understand that my time there was very productive and helpful for me to learn how to navigate life, because I was so extremely weak overall. My body was in a lot of pain, and I was so weak everywhere. I still think it would have done wonders for me if I got up to stand at least once. But alas, no. So, I never have to see them again, unless I go back to tell them to make sure they never give up hope on their patients. I really want to do that walking.
So, I need to get my day started as I’m laying here in the same spot, with the giant urge to go potty still, and get my day going. I’m excited for today! I was unsure how to approach this day, so Callie and I decided to throw a party! And I’m not regretting it at all. It should be a lot of fun! We have quite a few people coming, and Im so glad that John and Jill are driving from Michigan! I love them so much.
Life doesn’t end when something like this happens, and I know that I am not finished, by any means! Things are just getting started. I am the most grateful guy in the world to still be alive, to be there for my family still. This accident has changed me, and by all mighty, I’m going to make it for the better. I gotta. I really can’t think enough about how happy I am to have my head on straight, and to still be alive! I have a long road and a giant journey ahead of me, but I know I have the support I need to get through this. My innerdepence has grown so much. I’m so grateful, and I hope you are too.
The Astronaut on Earth 
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