5/5
I woke up today feeling rather under the weather! I may have been a bit over served last night at the bar, and might potentially had a case of the brown bottle flu. I’m glad this is a very rare occurrence!
5/6
So I woke up with a lot of ideas throughout the night! About the different ankle brace and support, and just many thoughts about running!
Therapy was great today, as I was able to get on the treadmill for the first bout for 18min! And then rounded the whole time out on there for 25min! I was pretty tired afterwards! Melissa and I had never done that before, and I was pretty impressed with how my legs responded!
5/7
So, I woke up to my alarm, and I had to stop and think. I spend much time throughout the night thinking about my legs. Thinking about them being straight, and thinking about them running! I really am able to run through so many different situations in my head where I am able to get my legs to run!
I am thinking now, and I realize that it’s been quite some time that I have taken time to write in the morning. I realize too, that it’s been quite a long time that I have had to realize that it’s not about if I feel in my legs, but what I am feeling IN my legs! I wake up and feel them completely! I just really am trying to differentiate between the different feelings of engagement they have.
I got to sleep with the pulse oximeter that I got from the “lung” ologist! It was kinda a pain because it was a little bulky, and it made my middle finger sweat, that wasn’t fun. I am not sure what to think of the results that come in, I hope I am getting enough oxygen? I have a pulmonary test today, and I am curious to see how my lungs are doing. Just as I’m trying to get my legs working, I am working on getting the lungs to function better as well!
I haven’t been to the gym in a while, and I think that the time I spend down on the floor substitutes my time needed in the gym, but if I can try to swing it, I really should do both!!
So one really amazing thing I noticed yesterday is that my right quad muscle, my vastus medalis is coming in! He’s been missing I feel like quite some time! It’s like an old friend that’s returned, and it makes me so incredibly happy! I have been noticing how my right quad is easier and more able to get myself straight, vs my left. His hamstring, the one on my left, has been overpowering the one on my right.
It’s weird, this is a type of Asymmetry that I haven’t experienced before. I know that any and all changes are good! So this is exciting my right leg is cooperating so well!
I’m going to have to incorporate doing some Hero Squats when I’m on the floor as well! I think I can do them! I messaged Anthony and sent him the video of me crawling, and that was some of his feedback for me!
I also noticed how my abs are really coming back! Both my left and right side are, and it’s pretty interesting to be able to see both sides really be recruited! I do think, it’s all coming back! I can also take fuller breaths thru my diaphragm as well! There is still a lot of tightness, but I am trying to think differently about it all!
Wow wow wow! My right calf is actually engaging!!!?! This is the first time I’ve ever even FELT the spasms really going down there!!!
I made it to the Pulmonary Function test, and it turns out I have 52% lung capacity. That’s fun.
Also, I went to the SICU (Surgical ICU) today, this was really interesting because I hadn’t been there since I was released from there to go to the rehab hospital. I spent 3 weeks there (26 days), just trying to be alive. I really don’t have hardly any recollection of this except for the feeling of nylon straps in my teeth as I tried to tear the “mittens” or hand wraps, in my teeth. I had to wear those because I kept trying to tear out the breathing and feeding tubes.
I still can’t believe that this happened, and I wanted to take a moment and say thank you to the staff on the floor I was on. 3rd floor, Room 9. “C” was one of the nurses that attended to me while I was there, and she was there! I got to “finally” meet her, and tell her thank you! It was surreal, to see the room that I had spent so many days in, and I have no recollection of. It’s spooky. It gives me chills just thinking about it.
But I was able to say thank you to the staff up there! They told me that this never happens up there! I can’t believe this either because they work so diligently to help the people that are there! They have someone from the nursing staff dedicated to a room 24hrs. At least 1 nurse per room. I hadn’t seen anything like this, and by now, I’ve spent a lot of time in hospital settings to get a feel for it all.
It was a lot, a lot to take in, and a lot to think about. I was glad to be able to thank them in person, and although there were more nurses there that helped me that I did not get a chance to meet, I was glad to still have made it. I am pretty lucky to have had a staff like them that were able to help me, and I really needed them. For that, I am so very thankful.
5/8
So, i really don’t understand why I end up being thrown into so much pain sometimes. I just had to go to the bathroom, and it makes this one of the most miserable experiences ever. My body aches, my back is tight, I can barely move and get myself on the toilet, but I still move to get myself there. If I don’t, I’ll just end up hurting so bad. It’s so weird. At least it gives me some relief!
I don’t understand why this happens, but I guess it is a form of body telling me something. For that, I’m grateful. It’s wild to think how capable my body is of telling me so much these days. There was a time he wasn’t. But he’s getting better everyday.
It was cool, I got down on the floor today. I did 3 sets of forwards and backwards crawling, with probably close to 20-30 steps each! Callie helped me on the backwards walk, and then I was able to move forward on my own! Each time! The whole way! I can’t believe it!
5/9
One of the physical therapists at the rehab hospital I was in said to me when I was struggling to pick my leg up and trying to manage my legs said,” oh don’t worry, your legs will get lighter and you will get stronger” and she said it in such a way that she thought that was supposed to make me feel better?
I still think about this thought almost every day. And how much stronger my legs are getting each day! Like, I can seriously see them coming in and getting bigger, one day at a time! It’s amazing! I really get sad about the fact that they never got me up standing at all, when I was there. It was hard seeing other people doing things with their legs, and I was struggling to hold myself up. I know that I had a lot of ground to make up, based on how rough shape I was in, but still! I would have really liked to have been put in a situation where I was up on my feet, even if it was only once then.
So I’m thinking about all of this, and thinking about the progress I’m making each day! I am really feeling my legs engaged, and it’s really not a question at all anymore about if I’m feeling a particular spot in my legs, but what muscles are actually contracting, and how much!
I was really feeling my lower back engaging so much earlier today, and I had to reach around to touch my back, and it was so easy to feel them contracting!
5/10
Saw the ENT! My legs tried to hit the gas and brake pedals!
5/11
I wake up everyday with my legs feeling more and more!
It’s crazy, the book I’m reading, and how it wasn’t even about spinal cord injuries, and how much I am taking away from it, is astounding. I can only bring to try and describe how I’m feeling and thinking right now because I’m learning so much. It’s astonishing. Like, the ideas of telling myself that I am not paralyzed, and how important of an idea this is to my overall recovery, because it helps my brain create the appropriate maps to help try and send signals to the part of my body to help try and control my legs!
Seriously, I’m thinking about the section on pg. 228 , and it says,”During in WWII Rene Spitz studied infants reared by their own mothers in prison, comparing them with those reared in a foundling home, where one nurse was responsible for seven infants. The foundling infants stopped developing intellectually, were unable to control their emotions, and instead rocked endlesly back and forth, or made strange hand movements. They also entered “turned-of” states and were indifferent to the world, unresponsive to people who tried to hold and comfort them. In photographs these infants have a haunting, faraway look in their eyes. The turmed off or “paralytic” states occur when children give up all hope of finding their lost parent again. But how could Mr. L., who entered similar state, have registered such early experiences in his memory?”
How does this not sound at all familiar with the ideas of spinal cord injuries, and telling people that they can’t feel ANYTHING at all? How is this not so different? If people are told that they are paralyzed, that word has seemingly different connotations to almost everybody who uses that word. Be it a doctor, physical therapist, patient, or family member, this word can have a very different meaning. And just because that the patient or the family doesn’t think of it in purely scientific terms, does that make the meaning any less true? Or mean anything less? Because, what’s most important to the person is the definition that they assign to it, not what the doctors are thinking. Both are true and important.
If a patient thinks and believes that the definition of paralyzed means they can’t feel or move anything ever again, then why would they ever even try?
I JUST CRAWLED 180ft!!!!!!!! I can’t believe it! I was able to crawl outside to the volleyball court, and back! I definitely had to stop 5-7 times for a rest, but I was able to make 50-60 consecutive steps in a row! This was just wild. I can’t believe it!! I really was glad to have Callie cheering me on and helping me count my steps! I really am moving these legs! Plus, getting in the grass today was amazing! I haven’t got to feel the feeling of grass in my hands in such a long time!
The Astronaut on Earth 
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