Jan 10th
Goodness it’s been a few days! I just sent a letter to a Doctor about getting his mental training routine! Also got a theragun and have been loving to use it not only on my arms and back, but also my legs for sensation!
The amount of mental rehearsal i do has been incredible, watching atheletes and young people like myself work on my legs and walking, is really what I need. Not trying to fill my brain with Geriatric or infantile imagery does really help me with these ideas of what I need to be thinking about!
Not writing for a couple days is incredible how powerful of a task this really has been. I truly love it. It makes me sharper and more focused.
My quads right now are really engaging and contracting and trying to get myself moving!
Getting my lists together, taking things one day at a time, reviewing my expenses daily, and giving myself time to read and write is really important. These are the daily checks I have to do for myself to help!
I liked the idea of mental rehearsal and trying to focus more on what’s good, and not on the bad! Like, that makes a lot of sense to be able to do that!
Gotta just do small things everyday to hit your goals!
I had a really good call with Brain Alfonsi yesterday. He’s a smart dude, with a lot of good ideas and it was great to be able to catch up with him.
Also, I need to do my own version of My Name Is Earl, and I really gotta focus!
What’s wild is how angry my younger brother had got with my this morning over such a simple comment. He gets so charged up. Not engaging or engaging in those conversations is always the issue!
What’s wild is I know that is what I need to do. Working on doing more sit to stands is the goal. Working on lifting my legs is the goal. That’s where I’m at in my training, and that’s where I gotta start! That’s okay, don’t be afraid. It’s okay.
Jan 12th
So it’s wild how quickly these feelings are able to come back. The unpleasant uneasiness in my abdomen, and sharp angry hot knives in my side. it is really lame because you think that youre in the clear, and then feelings like thus come back.
Being in a shitty mood and not feeling well really makes for a strong duo of feelings. Everything that you don’t want to be amplified, is. And then everything that could be better, is not. It’s a really hard time.
I had some really tight legs today, and really am feeling my quads and my glutes. When I say that, it’s not to say I’m not feeling in my lower legs, but it’s just a more significant set of feelings.
I’ve sat in the shower now for the past 45min and haven’t hardly dried myself off. I’m really not in it all to win anything today. I had to tell Callie that a day like today would have been a day in the past that I would have loved to have gotten outside, go for a run with max, XC ski, run down by the lake, and then top it all off with some snowboarding.
It’s really frustrating to me, because I was pretty good at all those things. And to think that I can’t do them, at least right now, feels awful. Not many people really want to get out in the snow on days like today. And I think a big part of why I’m so sad is that I loved/ still love the snow. The cold doesn’t really bother me. It’s this dumbass fucking wheelchair that’s limiting me. I’m sad cuz this would have been a day I would have gotten really excited for! Now I don’t even have snowpants or clothes to try to even get out there.
To have so. Many. Things. Taken. Away. In your life is really fucking hard. It is so truly difficult because you also see everyone around you being able to do whatever it is that they want to do.
Like, we live in a society in America where everyone who is an adult almost basically gets to do said things. The amount of actual obligations that someone has is trivial in the sense that all the basic things take so little time, they are able to complete them in a timeframe that really doesn’t make a dent in their day.
I better get up cuz my back hurts. Also, it’s interesting how my sternum is kinda sore? Also, I definitely felt myself do a fart! Oof!
Thinking about what the therapist said yesterday, about how I had so much extra trauma and inflammation from all the other issues that it really does make sense that my spinal cord hasn’t gotten a chance to heal up the way that everyone thinks of. They said my injury was probably more incomplete than what was discussed!
I hate the confines of this chair. It’s awful. Yeah, on the other hand you could think of it as being freeing, and allowing me to live a life, but at the same time, it’s not.
I’m really grateful for still being alive, but I really do get frustrated so much by this chair. It doesn’t allow me to do almost everything or anything that I could do before this accident. This wasn’t my fault.
I know that these are really difficult mindsets and moments to be in, and I’m really not looking forward to all the other struggles I’m going to have to go thru, but I know that I can do it. It just is an extremely difficult time for me when this is happening.
Jan 13th
Trying to understand why things happens is so freaking hard. You will probably lose your mind wondering all the what if’s, and what about. But what we can think about, is where do we go from here.
Where I’m at is understanding all the things, all the small things each day I can do to help! Straight legs, tum time, time on legs, stretching, theragun, you name it!
My mother is the sweetest dang lady.
The Astronaut on Earth 
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