Dec 3rd – Dec 9th: Pep Talk

Dec 5

What’s interesting is realizing that the doctors originally said you had 21 health conditions that you suffered. What’s also interesting is knowing that the internet doesn’t have hardly any information on the exact nature of your injuries. So what I’ve been given is one of the most difficult assignments ever to try and navigate what all this means.

What’s wild is the feelings I consistently get after eating, not great. Feels like I’m just barely getting by. and the motivation to describe how I’m feeling is also low. Why oh why is it this way. Why I have to be this mentally strong is really freaking tough. My body wants to get up, go to the bathroom, take a quick shower, grab some food, go for a run, go to work. But I can’t. It will take me close to 3 hrs to do that, and I wouldn’t even get a run in. I feel so bad about having to just “be” sometimes. I have such a hard time rolling over, sitting up, picking things up, reaching things. It’s so stinking hard. Sometimes I even wonder what I’m doing all this for. What’s this all mean, why should I be doing this? Who cares? It’s incredibly rough. I can’t even piss or poop or use my dangus. The only normal thing it seems is my brain. And it’s hard. And it’s hard to write this because I know this isn’t how I always feel. I know this isn’t what this is all for. It’s just having to do this day in and day out and try so hard each day makes for such a rough go at it. I can’t be like this forever. I can’t stay in that chair. I feel the life slowly being sucked out of me. When the doctor says you have 21 chronic health issues, and you work so hard to negate all of them, it’s just so tough to deal with it like this. It’s so hard to ask for this much help. I know that I’m gonna get up and keep trucking thru this and keep on trying, but gosh darnit, it’s hard.

What I said yesterday about trying to just listen and trying to understand what others are going thru sometimes does make our problems hopefully feel more manageable. At this point, i feel like I understand these thoughts, the ideas to not compare problems. Are these thoughts productive? No, they’re sad. It’s hard to even put them on paper. I want them gone from my head. Having to deal with all these struggles and then be thinking these thoughts of negativity will kill you. I just can’t do that.

I know I’ve been able to get thru moments like these by being so grateful. By really realizing how good and how far I’ve made it. And how much I’ve been graced by still being here. I’ll tell you what, no one is thinking,” I’m so grateful to still be alive” when all they can think about is pain and suffering and all the anguish that makes up the simplest things in life. But I’m trying to. Shoot, I really am! I know how many days I’ve had these thoughts and still trudged thru. And I know that it isn’t always like this.

I’m never going to understand why. I’m never going to be able to turn the clock back and not get ran over. It already happened. All I have is this moment, and the future.

I can at least say I spent a good session on the PEMF mat, and some time on my tum. The day isn’t over yet, so you still can do some things!

It’s tough getting up and out. You need to keep focusing on the ways to strengthen your legs, get more therapy, and gain more independence. Shoot, you really need to just focus on a couple things right now. Legs, standing, strength, eating. Done. Do those things. And don’t be an idiot. Don’t be an idiot to all the amazing people you have, and the amazing woman in your life.

When I have moments like these, I know it’s hard, and I NEED to do everything possible to not allow these feelings and moments to persist. You’re gonna be walking. You’re gonna not be in pain. It’s just taking you a lot longer than well, everyone. This is a lot. You got a lot left in you. Slow down, get up, and keep moving.

Having these moments and getting thru them isn’t always easy, but starting and getting moving is the first step. I feel like you leave that out a lot. Every day starts with conscious decisions to do things. Not everyone can say that, they are operating on autopilot mostly. You can’t do that, that would leave you in bed all day. Not too shabby to say you can do all of this, with so little automatic functions going on. Literally my whole day is thought out.

It’s really hard and is getting easier, but I’ll tell you what, not having moments where you can literally just,” run on autopilot” that feeling of going for a run, and letting your body take over, is something I want so bad. I’m gonna work so hard to get that back. Our bodies are capable of so much, and I am going to prove that to myself. My body. And to anyone who doesn’t think so.

Dec 6th

I woke up feeling so much in my legs! And it wasn’t all unpleasantry’s! Which is welcomed! I could legitimately feel all my toes pressing up against one another! Which I still feel right now!

ASK FOR THE RIGHT KIND OF HELP

So you can do the things and practice the things you need to work on!

You honestly got the best Lady ever. She’s so stinking sweet.

Dec 8th

Well, it’s interesting how much I am feeling, and how much I feel when I’m using the roller I have lol it’s called “The Stick” and it’s one of those marshmallow fella that you roll up and down your muscles.

What’s interesting is the more feedback, so a mirror, while doing an exercise helps, it’s like getting another site and view of yourself doing an action

Have 3 or more senses giving you input into your life and about your surroundings is extremely useful to help you understand and make sense of all the experiences and feelings we have in our life

Mirrors during working out?

The electric dynamo to charge battery while in chair?

Visualization is extremely important. Seeing yourself doing the things that you want to be doing is incredibly important and a powerful tool to allow you to visualize what it is that you want to do. It lets you rerun and plan what that’s going to look like in your own head

Being home alone for the first time ever has been wild.

Dec 8th

So, today has been interesting as well. Forgetting, or not thinking about the basic functions, or trying to forget them, while just laying in bed, can make for a pretty gnasty time when you are trying to get up. But does it have to be like this? is this how you have to think about how you feel?

When you do actually slow down, take a breath, and think about those feelings, it really does help you make sense of it all. When you give yourself moments to actually collect and release your thoughts, it truly

Makes a difference in how you feel.

Even with what you were saying to Callie today, my body is that much more susceptible to these changes, and is able to recognize that things do definitely change, because my body is much more susceptible and responsive to these actions.