Rehab Hospital | June – July 2023

This is when my memories started to form again. This is when I remember walking up, looking over to the right, and saying to mom, “where am I and why can’t I feel my legs?” This is when I knew something bad had happened.

This was a very, very difficult time.

I’ve been coming back to these notes, as these months have passed by. I hadn’t had the chance to take notes myself while I was here, as I was really just struggling to make sense of it all. A lot of restless nights, drugs, intense therapy sessions all were a recipe for a busy schedule and not a lot of free time. Plus, I really hadn’t thought about taking notes at this time. So a lot of these are from memories, recollections, and accounts from the folks that were there with me during this time.

On one early morning, I remember being fatigued from even lifting my head up. I couldn’t even lifting my head off the bed. This is also when I was in a bed that could adjust in all positions, plus it had air chambers to prevent bed sores. Something I knew nothing about just yet. It was wild. When I could barely lift my head. It took me a while to realize how bad I was until much later.

And that’s when it happened. Someone came in to straight cath me.. This was awful, and I honestly had no idea what this was, where I was, or why I had to do anything like this. I was in shock. I couldn’t even fathom why I had to learn this word, “straight cath” let alone having this done on me. Not something anyone takes lightly.

I remember just barely my time in the ICU, mom tells me I was moved to another floor before I was moved here. Mom comes in every morning just about at 8, stays with me all day. She almost never left my sight. She wouldn’t leave until just before she had to go to bed. It was honestly pretty amazing, to see the devotion and dedication my mother had to me during this time.

Thoughts about my mother, “I still can’t believe you were with me every day in the rehab hospital, and how you came in as soon as you woke up, and left when you had to go to bed. I can’t even fathom what was going through your head at this time. And I can’t believe I was so lucky to have you by my side.”

I really don’t know how I would have managed through that entire hospital stint if it weren’t for my mother. She’s absolutely amazing and I can’t think of a single person more selfless than her. She means so much to me, and I know all my siblings would say the same.

It was hard. Hard sleeping. I couldn’t get much sleep at all. But I was on a healthy amount of prescription drugs to manage that. So now that I think of it, I did sleep, okay. Definitely not something that I could always say.

6/21

I finally got my phone back from the cops. I also almost felt like I died in the shower trying to get in and out taking a shower today. I haven’t had one this whole period of time, and I just sat in there. Letting all the water come down on me. Running water is crazy. Never thought about it like this before. I did almost faint/ knock myself out in the shower, which I’m not sure what that was about? I honestly cannot even begin to explain how good the running water did feel though. It also felt extremely weird not feeling all of my back up against the back rest, that was a bit unnerving, but still great to feel that water, nonetheless. Man, you never think about how good this stuff feels until you are bucket bathing for such a long period of time, you kinda forget what the shower is all about. Glad to get in there and wash my hair.

Therapy has been kicking my butt, this back brace has not been kind to my ribs. Turns out I’m going to need to wear this for 3 months. It’s pretty hard to put on, and I was really glad when they said I could start putting the brace on when I’m sitting up, as opposed to laying down and putting it on. Thank goodness.

6/22

My Momma somehow did the unthinkable. I can’t believe she did this. Somehow, in a hotel kitchenette, with no time to spare, she literally made me goulash. I can’t believe it! I haven’t had a good meal in what felt like months!

(Truth be told, I hadn’t….. I wasn’t on food yet in the ICU, and the hospital food has been nothing but….. well I’ll let you think of how good hospital food could be.) she’s always able to stun me. I love her to death. My mother. Goodness. She’s amazing.

I feel like this is the only thing that I have to look forward to, food, and mom. Seems to be the only things I have at this time. I was awfully nervous to see the nieces. It was awfully sweet of Jess to bring em, but boy was it hard. The memories I have of them, is of us playing freeze tag, running around, playing. Ava would go, “Joe Joe, you’re it!” And then I would be stuck chasing all 6 of the nieces and nephews around! Fortunately, I’m pretty fast, so I could chase most all of them, tag em all, and they would all be froze at the same time! I actually did do that a couple times! Ha! But now, I’m afraid that this is how they will see me. In this chair, skinny, frail. We played some corn hole (or was it ring toss?) and got some fresh air, which was good. I definitely didn’t like being seen this way in the chair.

The cop dropped off my bag, riding jacket, and my belongings as well. I didn’t have my phone this entire time, I think they had it for over a month. The time I didn’t have a phone, I remember laying in the bed, unable to really move, staring at the ceilings, the window and top of the yard and neighbors house outside. Just wondering what was in their backyard, or what was in the garage I could only see the top half of. Even from the chair, I couldn’t really see over the window to be able to tell what it all was.

Thinking about the first shower that Katie helped me with, holy crap. One, was it hard. I couldn’t feel my back so it was really hard to keep myself up and balanced, but two, the running water felt sooooo good! I don’t think I ever felt this good in a shower. I didn’t want it to end. I feel like this was some of the only relief I had gotten this whole time. The bucket baths are necessary, but not super glamorous.

My days always begin during the week with Katie showing up for OT. That’s Occupational Therapy. Bathing, dressing, (mostly dressing) is what we work on in the bed. Getting cleaned up, dressed, and then figuring out how to get in the chair are the first things we are working on. It’s hard. I’m weak, my legs are tight, my body aches. It’s a lot of rolling and flopping, twisting and turning to try to get myself in a shirt, shorts, pants. It’s a lot of work, and I feel like I could use a break after we are done, but then it’s on our way to physical therapy. I usually worked with Corrine.

We would transfer to the mat, and we did alot of sitting balance work. I would look around the therapy room, and wish that I was working on walking. It pained me to have to watch. But we worked on the upper body. And boy was I weak. I feel like these 1 & 2lb weights are surprisingly heavy, it’s nuts. Talk about humbling, I’m using the lightest weights possible. Goodness how am I going to be able to do anything.

6/24

My brothers all came to visit, as did Dad, and Justin. Dad has tried to be with me and mom as much as he could, but he only had so much time off now at this point. I can tell, that has been bugging him. It’s a lot of back and forth for him.

I was really excited to see John and Paul. These dudes. They’re my best friends. I was so shocked when I saw Paul. He was so tan! And I was so pale. It was crazy, I don’t think that I have ever been less tan than him, it’s crazy. Also holding up our arms, I’ve never seen my arms this skinny before in my life. It’s like when I reached my hand over my shoulder for the first time in the bed, and felt my shoulder blades. That was insane.

It’s sad. They are moving me out of Cramer St. I didn’t even get to say goodbye. I loved that place. Max and I had so much fun there. I feel so bad for Max. He probably wondered what the heck happened to me, and why I didn’t come home that night. I miss that pup. So dang much. Him and I, we did so much together! Running, biking, working on the truck, working on the bikes, cleaning, poopin’, showering, you name it. He came everywhere with me. I miss that pup.

So it’s wild that I had to let my friends and family clean up and move me out of the apartment. It feels crazy, and I feel so helpless. My whole life is getting packed up, by other people, without me even getting a say in it all. I feel so helpless.

6/27

PT was hard today. I had to make sure I took some rest before the guys come over and people come to visit. Everything wears me out to a degree I’ve never been before.

Mom saved the day again! She got me lasagna from down the street! It feels so good to eat real food! These breakfasts have all been so bad.

They’ve been getting me up to go to the little floor cafeteria to eat, and mingle with some of the other people on the floor. I haven’t been super eager to talk to other folks. It’s usually at about this time that momma shows up for the day! She always comes in and looks so beautiful. Goodness, I don’t know how she does it. That smile on her face really brightened up my days.

The fellas, Corey, Ian, Evan, & John all came to visit me. And they brought Vanguard! Even Heidi & Danny left a note for me! I freaking loved these brats, this was soooo good!

6/29

First car ride was really bumpy and awful on my ribs. I took an OxyContin to try to help manage the pain being in the car ride. I had an awful nights sleep because I can’t roll over on my own, so I lay on one side until someone can roll me over.

Evan and mom came with me to the art museum, it was wild going out in public again after being away from it all for a month or two. Really surreal and also not fun being at half height.

What was funny though, was I went down my first ramp/ incline in the museum. I was headed into the exhibit, when I started to go down the ramp. In an effort not to loose any momentum, I decide to let the chair free spin, and I pick up a little speed. What was interesting though was there was someone checking tickets. So, I wave my ticket up and by them, and I yell, “see ya!” And zoom right by. They hollered at me and said I needed to slow down and get my ticket checked, but I wanted to keep moving, plus I didn’t really know how to stop either! That was silly. It was nice and also interesting going out in public. That was a first for that.

6/30

One day, my leg decided to balloon up. Like, my right leg grew what looked like almost twice the size as my left leg. What’s wild, is how quickly it seemed that my legs lost all their muscle mass. They got so skinny so quick. So seeing my right leg swell up at first had me excited for a second, because he looked bigger! But I figure this might not be good.

Turns out I have to get in an ambulance to get an X-Ray for my leg…. I’m really not excited about this. The ultrasound didn’t tell or show anything, so they want me to get an X-ray, just in case. I’m not really excited about getting in an ambulance.

I get in the stretcher and I’m not excited to have to be here. Seemed really surreal. Wasn’t a fan. it was also pretty hard getting on the X-Ray machine too. Oof what a day. This isn’t fun.

Dang. Today was the day I had tickets to go see King Gizzard & The Lizard Wizard. I was supposed to go with Joe & Hammel. I’m so freaking bummed. Evan told me he reached out to them! And they sent a message back to him wishing me well!

7/1

Momma got me lasagna again! Thank goodness! These hospital meals are so bad!

7/4 – 4th of July

Andy came to visit, and he brought some food! He brought a bunch of smoked meats, corn bread, you name it! And it was sooo good!

This was also the first day that I saw something for the first time. I saw the metal in my back. And It kinda disgusted me. I can’t even believe it. I honestly needed some time to process what was in there. There’s no way. I know my backs stiff, but there’s no way that’s back there. Goodness, I don’t even know what to say, I’m just in shock even knowing that’s in me. Is it coming out? When do I get it out? Is this permanent? These are all questions I’m asking in my head. It’s got my head spinning in ways I cannot even get out in words.

7/5

Wow. That dang resident doctor in training was in again. I feel like he talks to me in such a demeaning way. I asked him about a week or two ago about all the injuries I sustained. He couldn’t even tell me. So this time, he printed off a list. This again made my jaw drop. This list was huge. I can’t even believe it sometimes. All this happened to me???

This… this list is…. Well… wow. I’m not even sure where to start or being. I guess that makes sense for all the sore ribs and mid section, I guess.

7/5

July 6th

I saw the news report today on the Internet. Goodness. I don’t even want to know.

July 8th

Turns out, I have been seeing a speech therapist for quite some time up until this point. Using the Inspirometer, and the incentive spirometer tool as well, these were some of the devices I was using daily to help my lung strength get back to some point. I am having a hard time in general with breathing, and any additional movements of my chest are pretty painful at this time. Don’t even ask me about yawning, coughing, or sneezing. Awful.

It’s all been alot of work, just getting my body into any sort of operational state. I still take a lot of naps. I do what I can, but boy is it tiring.

July 9th

It’s a bummer to have to see all of your belongings that you know and loved packed away into a storage unit. Until next time.

July 11th

This was such a hard time, because I felt like i wasn’t ready to leave. They had to have multiple discussions about when to let me go, and they finally decided that they could give me another week in the hospital. I was scared. I didn’t know what Michigan was going to bring, and although I love my family, it just feels so hard to have to leave my life in Wisconsin, Milwaukee, my home in Cramer st, and Max.

We had a little get together in the parking lot with friends from work to see me off. It was all so bittersweet, leaving the only life I knew put this point.

Other Thoughts

It’s so weird, having been in this place. Inside a hospital, and hospital walls for such a significant period of time. It was so weird going out for the first time. So weird going back home. I didn’t know what happened to my place, or my dog. I could barely move. It was just my mom, the nurses Annetta & Abby, therapists, and I. My family came, and some were not able to. Looking at the house that was outside my window made me paint an entire life for the folks I thought had lived there. It was so weird. Thinking about what they do, where they do everyday, what’s in the rest of their backyard that I cannot see. There was so much else going on out there, but I couldn’t stand up, walk outside, and see.

We practiced curbs, practiced getting in and out of cars, showering, and how to get back as close as possible to daily living. I had a lot of apprehension for going back to my parents home. Because I’ve had soo many memories, one could say a lifetime, of good memories there. I didn’t want to have to fill my head of memories in the chair. I was also scared for leaving the new found comforts of having the nurses, OT’s to help, and PTs to help work me and my body. It was unnerving thinking that I would have to do this on my own, with my folks. It was a lot to have to think about. I also didn’t feel like my body was ready either. Everything was constantly in pain, I was barely off the harder and stronger pain killers before I left, and I hadn’t gotten to work on my legs. Those things too, pained me.

John came to help me and mom drive back, I really appreciated it was him who came. I love that dude. It was a hard time leaving, it was all kinda bittersweet. I guess we will have to see what all comes next. But at the same time I guess it was good too, to get out of the hospital. Here we go.